In light of recent events, being asked out by a total hottie that in turn was actually interested in me, later to find out he is not lds, I have been thinking about dating lately. Okay let's call it what it is.  I've been banging my head in frustration.

The majority of guys that ask me out or show any interest are either 1.not lds 2.not active in church or 3.have personal issues they are dealing with (drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc).  Naturally my brain wants to understand in it's entirety why mormon guys don't like me. Not that it would make any difference so I don't know why I want to know so bad. And I'm not talking about any mormon guys because the few mormon guys that do ask me out are usually kinda goobers.... I'm talking about just a normal regular old guy that is lds too.

here is what I've come up with:
-they are more picky than I thought and I'm not skinny enough, namely in the ghetto booty area, or something else along those lines (like my nose is too big or my legs are too white. hahah!)
-I'm not churchy enough. As in I don't aspire to be the next relief society president and despite my efforts we struggle with daily family scripture study, etc.
-I am too old or there are too many other better options, as there are twice as many girls than guys in my singles ward, all under the age of 26
-the fact that I am divorced turns them off
-they don't want to date or marry someone with a kid. (I can't say I don't understand this one, but it does suck because I would hope someone would see some good in my heart and maybe even see it as a positive thing.)

yeah that does seem like a lot of negatives that are against me... haha!

Just sayin' it makes staying committed to dating only lds guys really hard. Normally I would go out with a guy if I like him and in the past have dated a couple guys and later discovered they were inactive or whatever. but I really do want to date someone that is lds, that i like, that likes me back,  that accepts me the way I am, that is patient (a must), we share a connection, doesn't have any addictions, has the same goals as I do in terms of marriage, family and the future. is that so much to ask?! hahahha!

So I decided to get honest with myself about the guys I go out with and find out where they stand on that stuff, so as to avoid getting into a relationship that would lead nowhere, and only date active lds guys. but it has proven to be a little more difficult than I though it would be. apparently I don't appeal to mormon guys...

I will now share a story from my birthday and some thoughts:

I don't really like planning parties for myself so I usually default to going out to dinner. So my parents took me to Red Lobster and I pigged out on crab legs. Yay! That's all I knew I wanted. Of course there are a million things I want but that's all I could think of.

There was a server that was working the table next to us and started talking to us. He seemed pretty nice, really cute (I am a sucker for facial hair I guess) and charming and pretty much perfect and super friendly. :) At one point the thought crossed my mind, "I think he is trying to flirt with me...." It was kind of annoying... I was busy inhaling crab legs!  Because everyone else had finished their meals and were all waiting for me to finish mine, I was trying to eat faster than I already do (which i'm quite sure is impossible). 

Anyways! Back to the flirting..... well my parents were there, so we said goodbye and left...

I went to a Dave Ramsey class that night and on my way home, mustered up the courage to drop off my number to the hostess at the door of Red Lobster. I've never actually done that before but decided "what the heck! It's my birthday and I can do what I want! Besides, I'll never see him again if I was in fact picking up the wrong signals."  It didn't help that she mentioned he gets phone numbers all the time... gahhh! I tried to take my number back but she wouldn't give it to me!

To my surprise, later that night he texts me and then calls and we talk on the phone for three hours. And I like him already. And I think he likes me.... :) It's a miracle! This doesn't happen to me very often! I always say, "it seems like it takes a miracle for two people to actually like each other equally" but I am now quite certain it takes an even bigger miracle for two people to like each other equally and actually be a good match.

let me illustrate for you just a few differences:
I am lds - he is doesn't believe in organized religion
I want kids - he doesn't and can't
I plan to get married in the temple - he doesn't plan on signing any kind of marriage documents
I don't have sex before marriage - he sees it as necessary
I don't drink - he does

still waiting on a huge miracle....

I recently turned 29, a week ago, May 19th to be exact. I have had mixed feelings about turning 29 and haven't really known how to express them. Words aren't really my forte if you haven't noticed.

I started the count down out by saying things like, "I'm turning 29 next month." or "I'll be 29 in one week" any time the subject on age or my birthday came up. You'd think I was a 5 year old anticipating my 6th birthday. Maybe it was to warm myself up to the idea. But really 29 wasn't feeling too bad. I feel the same... hahaha! isn't it funny? when I was younger I thought that i'd magically feel different on my birthday. Like I'd feel older or new. But yeah 29 feels pretty good. I think it is because sometimes I think I might have, sort of, finally figured out who I am, what makes my heart sing and what I want to do with my life.

For some reason birthdays always make me think about marriage.... Maybe because I am so old and I'm not married. hahahah! I wonder if any other single, Mormon girls, over 25 feel that way... Nah! ;)

But I always think about getting married at 21 and how old I thought I was. Now I see how young I was and I didn't know anything about who I was. I think about when I was 25 and just newly divorced and still didn't know who I was even worse than before. I had completely lost myself.

yes. you have to hear this every year. hahahah!

Anyways, the point of all this rambling is I think I am finally starting to feel okay with who I am as person, although I have lapses of doubt and indecisiveness and suspect I always will.

Is there some kind of universal hand signal for "hell no!"

I have this reoccurring experience where some yucky guy tries to hit on me while I sit at a stop light. Today it was a Mexican who waved out of his open window. I usually just do something so they can't see me anymore and I can't see them, like cover my face with the hand closest to them or pull my car forward a few feet and pray for the light to change as I painfully avoid eye contact. But really when I'm just not "in the mood" (as if I'm ever in the mood to be harassed while driving home from work) I just want to display an upward motion of the middle finger....

I was particularly annoyed by the 60+ year man making a kissy face at me as he drove by two days ago. "Are you kidding me?! You're a 60 years old!" I don't have anything against 60 year old's. I think my dad is 60 if not then almost and I love him. I just don't like them coming onto me.

What's that?  I should feel flattered?

Anytime I complain to someone about such incidences they tell me I should feel flattered. what about having a nasty old man coming onto me should make me feel flattered?! It doesn't do anything for my confidence, in fact it has the opposite effect. I'm pretty sure he would take whatever he can get. Give me a hot guy in his 20s or 30s and I'll be flattered. heck! I might even wave back.

This is my personal blog mainly about the part of my life that I do not share on my photo blog. I over think everything and wanted somewhere to express the inner workings of my messed up head and dark heart.
warning: reading this blog may cause any previous positive opinions of me to change.