Therapy

My gosh it's been a long time.
update:

I've been dating someone for a few months. he thinks everything is great and actually mentioned the future. I'm confused and wondering what universe he is living in.  (I guess i always thought when I found "the one," whatever that means, it would not feel like a roller coaster and would just flow and work....)

I started my art therapy program. I hate school. but I love the idea of my life moving in a different direction and I find the content interesting.
I still have big fears of finding a job. Although, I made a good decision about which school to go to, I am still unsure it is enough as far as securing my finances.

 Bad photo but it's me at my first residency

I've decided to start seeing a therapist/counselor for two reasons:
1) the relationship stuff is freaking me out and I am realizing I have A LOT of issues centered around marriage and commitment and love and expectations and self acceptance and trust and change and sex and well pretty much everything
2) it is strongly suggested as part of my program that I go to at least 8 sessions. (based on the list above I think I'll need more... hahaha!)

so the timing seems right.
How do you find and choose a counselor/therapist? the only one I've been to just did an exercise, over the course of 4 visits, where we talked about all the good stuff in my life in an attempt to improve my self esteem and have a positive outlook. Mostly it just made me feel bad for feeling bad. hahaha!

google seems like a good place to start. wish me luck!

More eggs

I've spent the day online trying to find a college that offers two psychology classes online at a price that I can possibly afford. The local community college doesn't offer them online. (a must because I can't possibly spend four nights a week in class) and everywhere else I've looked one online class is like $1000+.  To be honest I am feeling a little bit discouraged. anyways...

Brilliant idea! maybe I should donate my eggs!
I have perfectly good ones. I'm not using them. And I could really use the money...
That would probably pay for a whole year of college! This is the best idea I've ever had!

Well I'm sad to report that I only have one more month until I no longer meet the minimum requirements.
Because it is such a lengthy process, that probably won't do...

Doh! *hand to head* Why didn't I think of this before I got so old!? hahah!

I was reading about the differences between women donating eggs and men donating sperm.... If I was a man I would be donating sperm like it was my job! That is some easy money! :)

YES! you finished your paper!

This is me every wednesday night. 

Although it appears as if I have not written a blog post for two weeks, If you were to look at my blog interface you would see that I actually have been writing. I just haven't posted any of them. hahahaha! I start a post and then never finish it or sometimes I like to sleep on what I've written in case I was just writing nonsense at 3 am and want to change my mind. But I will post them.
I am going proceed to post said entries as I finish them. And it will be fun to see what craziness was going on in my head two weeks ago. :)

But today.... I am a mess. I admit it! I am on am emotional roller coaster today, due to lack of sleep, girl stuff, confusion, and this relentless feeling, like being stuck in quick sand, is bearing down on me. I have this amazing coworker, who sometimes feels like my little silent cheerleader. She has this way of looking at a situation and finding the perfection and beauty and hope in it and making things seem possible and okay. She pointed out to me that sometimes it takes feeling this way to get oneself  to move. I am feeling like this because I am not where I am supposed to be, and it's a good thing to feel this way because otherwise I wouldn't do anything about it. I would just be complacent and not do anything to put myself where I am meant to be. She asked me if I could do anything and time and money was not an object what would it be....
I'd go back to school. so I'm going back to school.
I've been obsessing about it  for a few weeks (because that's what I do). Should I do it? Should I not? should I stick with the photography thing? Should I take the raise at my job and work more hours, and stay there? But if money and time were not an issue I would go to school and get a "real" job. No more waiting around for something to happen and for everything to fit perfectly before I take a step.  I just have to take a step or I may drown in sand.