What does it mean if you are just starting to date someone and you think, "what if he's the one?" but not in an excited, "I think he's the one" kinda way, but more of a "crap! what if he's the one? What if we start dating seriously and I can't find any red flags....? what if we get along and he wants to marry me...? what if I end up marrying him? maybe I should end it now before it's too late" kinda way.
Let's take a little stroll in my brain and analyze for a moment, shall we!? because it is my most favorite past time, of all time! hehehe
Does this mean I don't really want to be in a relationship? Does this mean I'm not ready for a relationship?
Am I afraid of commitment? Am I messed up?
Am I still hurt and haven't fully let go of the past?
Do I just not like him enough? Am I too picky? Will I ever like someone enough to want to marry them?
What if it means that I won't ever be happy with who I'm dating?
Will I always wonder if there is someone else out there for me?
Does it mean that I am subconsciously being too picky and not allowing myself to like anyone?
Will I ever date someone I feel right about marrying?
And if I do ever feel right about marrying someone again, will he want to marry me back?
(that is the one question that keeps me up at night, so to speak...)
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Relationship status: Engaged
When facebook so graciously reminds that another person just got engaged I constantly walk this fine line between being super excited and happy for the engaged person and hating their guts....
The good news it that it's facebook's fault and not the person who changed their relationship status to "engaged" and posted photos of the ring, because you better believe when I get engaged I'm going to post shamelessly about my engagement every day for the ensuing months to come!
with that I shall leave you with an ecard that... well, illustrates my sentiments all too well:
Oh and since I am well past 30 and coming up on 31 I decided to finally change the title heading of this blog from 29 to 30. and maybe next year I will change it to 31. or not..... hahaha!
The good news it that it's facebook's fault and not the person who changed their relationship status to "engaged" and posted photos of the ring, because you better believe when I get engaged I'm going to post shamelessly about my engagement every day for the ensuing months to come!
with that I shall leave you with an ecard that... well, illustrates my sentiments all too well:
Oh and since I am well past 30 and coming up on 31 I decided to finally change the title heading of this blog from 29 to 30. and maybe next year I will change it to 31. or not..... hahaha!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Must find me a gay husband.... And stat!
Apparently it is super hot right now and tres chic.
There are some articles floating around that are getting tons of attention on the interwebs (such as this one found on theweed) and in the LDS community (such as this article in LDSLiving magazine) about mixed orientation marriages. (homosexual man married to a heterosexual woman) And not the kind where he announces after several years of marriage that he is gay, but both husband and wife chose to marry with the full knowledge that he is homosexual. I'm not going to interject my own beliefs or about homosexuality as it is already a main topic of discussion and have nothing new to add to the discussion. Nor am I going to get all political, philosophical etc. All I'm sayin' is, Where do I find me a homosexual husband!?
The two articles mentioned above (and the most popular for the time being) almost paint mixed orientation marriages as ideal. They describe their marriages as more loving and connected than most traditional marriages, for lack of better words. (straight man married to straight woman) They paint this beautiful picture of how there is a deeper emotional connection because the physical lusting and attraction to the other is not there.... because apparently that is bad and gets in the way.... I am assuming the LDS magazine is saying it is advisable or a good idea for homosexual men and women... I'm not sure if this what LDS leaders expect... but these articles and ones similar to them sure paint a perfect picture, much like the one I like to call, the mormon fairy tale, that leads many youth (as I so naively did) to believe that if you get married in the temple you will live happily ever after. I find it very misleading. Marriage is hard enough, why not throw in same sex attraction/ mixed sexual orientation!? It's super cool and noble and popular right now!
Must find me a gay man to marry, as long as he is hot... of course. ;)
Apparently it is super hot right now and tres chic.
There are some articles floating around that are getting tons of attention on the interwebs (such as this one found on theweed) and in the LDS community (such as this article in LDSLiving magazine) about mixed orientation marriages. (homosexual man married to a heterosexual woman) And not the kind where he announces after several years of marriage that he is gay, but both husband and wife chose to marry with the full knowledge that he is homosexual. I'm not going to interject my own beliefs or about homosexuality as it is already a main topic of discussion and have nothing new to add to the discussion. Nor am I going to get all political, philosophical etc. All I'm sayin' is, Where do I find me a homosexual husband!?
The two articles mentioned above (and the most popular for the time being) almost paint mixed orientation marriages as ideal. They describe their marriages as more loving and connected than most traditional marriages, for lack of better words. (straight man married to straight woman) They paint this beautiful picture of how there is a deeper emotional connection because the physical lusting and attraction to the other is not there.... because apparently that is bad and gets in the way.... I am assuming the LDS magazine is saying it is advisable or a good idea for homosexual men and women... I'm not sure if this what LDS leaders expect... but these articles and ones similar to them sure paint a perfect picture, much like the one I like to call, the mormon fairy tale, that leads many youth (as I so naively did) to believe that if you get married in the temple you will live happily ever after. I find it very misleading. Marriage is hard enough, why not throw in same sex attraction/ mixed sexual orientation!? It's super cool and noble and popular right now!
Must find me a gay man to marry, as long as he is hot... of course. ;)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
a real live "happy" marriage
Because I have been to that hell that is a miserable marriage and divorce and back, it is hard not to observe, dissect and scrutinize other marriages and wonder if they are really happy.
I often catch myself doing this messed up thing where I notice people who are seemingly happy and then I try to figure out what it's really like under their "perfect" life... I try to imagine what it's like when they are home. I try to speculate what they could possibly be unhappy about. I try to imagine what their marriage is like. I look for signs that they are unhappy....
hahahah It's sick and wrong really.... but it is true
I know this! the worst was when I was in the family ward right after I found out about my ex's affair. I would sit in church and try to imagine who in that room was cheating on their spouse, and then who had cheated on their spouse in the past and then I would think about how many years it must have taken the spouse to forgive. I would think about who would stay married and who would get divorced and in how many years.
In all my searching for miserable couples and marriages there are some that I stand out to me as "happy". I'm not talking about the kind where they obviously just got married two years ago and are still madly in love with each other and are still excited about their future family and lives. Nor am I talking about the token older couple who has stayed together for over 30 years. I'm talking about a marriage that is alive and active right now, and despite the hard times they have faced, are facing now and have yet to face, I truly do believe they will stay married and happy. I'm not saying they will never be unhappy. Everyone has feelings of unhappiness at some point. But they will still love each other and choose to stay and be happy.
One relationship I admire is that of my little sister and her husband who have been married 9 years.
I just got back from a tip to visit them and their three little kids. They have no idea how much I watch them hahah! it's really creepy. hehe!
I watched him come home from work and roll around on the floor with the kids. I watched them actually talk to each other and joke with each other and take care of each other. She was caring and sweet and he sat and watched a movie with us. They go camping together.... He would say how hot and gorgeous she is when I teased her about her plumber's crack... After all these years, and three kids he is still in love with her and she is still in love with him. The night before we left, while she got her hair dyed by my mom, I went with my brother in law to the grocery store to buy dr. peppers for us on our drive home. he mentioned in our conversation about my divorce how he could never leave her. He explained how he married up and how much he lucked out. He said she could leave him but if he left her everyone would tell him what an idiot he is for leaving such an amazing woman. (not verbatim but you get the point) And whenever I talk to my sister I can tell she is genuinely happy. She would pick up and move with her husband anywhere he wanted to go, and she does. She assures me that the still disagree, and get frustrated with each other but I know enough to know that's expected.
I often catch myself doing this messed up thing where I notice people who are seemingly happy and then I try to figure out what it's really like under their "perfect" life... I try to imagine what it's like when they are home. I try to speculate what they could possibly be unhappy about. I try to imagine what their marriage is like. I look for signs that they are unhappy....
hahahah It's sick and wrong really.... but it is true
I know this! the worst was when I was in the family ward right after I found out about my ex's affair. I would sit in church and try to imagine who in that room was cheating on their spouse, and then who had cheated on their spouse in the past and then I would think about how many years it must have taken the spouse to forgive. I would think about who would stay married and who would get divorced and in how many years.
In all my searching for miserable couples and marriages there are some that I stand out to me as "happy". I'm not talking about the kind where they obviously just got married two years ago and are still madly in love with each other and are still excited about their future family and lives. Nor am I talking about the token older couple who has stayed together for over 30 years. I'm talking about a marriage that is alive and active right now, and despite the hard times they have faced, are facing now and have yet to face, I truly do believe they will stay married and happy. I'm not saying they will never be unhappy. Everyone has feelings of unhappiness at some point. But they will still love each other and choose to stay and be happy.
One relationship I admire is that of my little sister and her husband who have been married 9 years.
I just got back from a tip to visit them and their three little kids. They have no idea how much I watch them hahah! it's really creepy. hehe!
I watched him come home from work and roll around on the floor with the kids. I watched them actually talk to each other and joke with each other and take care of each other. She was caring and sweet and he sat and watched a movie with us. They go camping together.... He would say how hot and gorgeous she is when I teased her about her plumber's crack... After all these years, and three kids he is still in love with her and she is still in love with him. The night before we left, while she got her hair dyed by my mom, I went with my brother in law to the grocery store to buy dr. peppers for us on our drive home. he mentioned in our conversation about my divorce how he could never leave her. He explained how he married up and how much he lucked out. He said she could leave him but if he left her everyone would tell him what an idiot he is for leaving such an amazing woman. (not verbatim but you get the point) And whenever I talk to my sister I can tell she is genuinely happy. She would pick up and move with her husband anywhere he wanted to go, and she does. She assures me that the still disagree, and get frustrated with each other but I know enough to know that's expected.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I received the facebook invite from a super cute girl in my ward, announcing her wedding, to get addresses: "I'm getting married!"
My first thought: "good, now there is one less cute girl to compete with. Maybe if all the cute girls would hurry and get married, maybe I would stand a chance." hahah!
I guess that's a step up from what usually goes through my mind...
"How did she find someone decent?" "Why can't I find someone like that?" and "They have no idea what they are doing. Bless their hearts and I hope it works out for them."
My first thought: "good, now there is one less cute girl to compete with. Maybe if all the cute girls would hurry and get married, maybe I would stand a chance." hahah!
I guess that's a step up from what usually goes through my mind...
"How did she find someone decent?" "Why can't I find someone like that?" and "They have no idea what they are doing. Bless their hearts and I hope it works out for them."
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Times I wish I was married
Times when I wish I was married:
Valentines day this year. I usually prefer being single on valentines day but this year I really wanted to do something special for someone special. I really wanted to buy this card
When Sydney is being especially sassy and naughty it would be nice to have someone back me up and tell her to be nice to her mom. Like a dad... to tackle the parenting world with. (I admit I get envious when I see a husband step in and tell their child to stop arguing with their mother. silly I know.)
Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to take vacations with. I am envious of other family's vacations. hahah! I really want to go camping... but for some reason I think Sydney and I would get so bored with each other.
Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to in the morning. I do miss that ever so much....
Valentines day this year. I usually prefer being single on valentines day but this year I really wanted to do something special for someone special. I really wanted to buy this card
When Sydney is being especially sassy and naughty it would be nice to have someone back me up and tell her to be nice to her mom. Like a dad... to tackle the parenting world with. (I admit I get envious when I see a husband step in and tell their child to stop arguing with their mother. silly I know.)
Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to take vacations with. I am envious of other family's vacations. hahah! I really want to go camping... but for some reason I think Sydney and I would get so bored with each other.
Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to in the morning. I do miss that ever so much....
Monday, February 6, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
I like lists. I love making lists. So here is a list.
Times when I think, "I am so glad I'm not married right now":
1) When I see my brother and his wife arguing about who gets to go on a vacation over a certain weekend. the debate is if he gets to go on a hunting trip or if she gets to go to Las Vegas with her girlfriends.
2) Christmas time. I can't help but think what a relief it is to not have to stress about what to buy my husband for Christmas. Buying gifts for guys is so hard and stressful! I never know what to get.
3) After Christmas shopping with my sister and her husband is not happy about the money she spent. I can spend my own money on whatever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want and not have to feel guilty about what I bought or how much it cost.
4) On Christmas and Thanksgiving after I just stuffed my face full of turkey and all I want to do is sleep. I don't have to worry about going out in the cold and making the trip to someone else's house and I don't have to miss out on playing cards with my family.
5) On nights when all I want to do is be lazy, sit in my jammies, be cozy and watch a chick flick. I totally can! I don't have to watch some guy movie.
Times when I think, "I am so glad I'm not married right now":
1) When I see my brother and his wife arguing about who gets to go on a vacation over a certain weekend. the debate is if he gets to go on a hunting trip or if she gets to go to Las Vegas with her girlfriends.
2) Christmas time. I can't help but think what a relief it is to not have to stress about what to buy my husband for Christmas. Buying gifts for guys is so hard and stressful! I never know what to get.
3) After Christmas shopping with my sister and her husband is not happy about the money she spent. I can spend my own money on whatever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want and not have to feel guilty about what I bought or how much it cost.
4) On Christmas and Thanksgiving after I just stuffed my face full of turkey and all I want to do is sleep. I don't have to worry about going out in the cold and making the trip to someone else's house and I don't have to miss out on playing cards with my family.
5) On nights when all I want to do is be lazy, sit in my jammies, be cozy and watch a chick flick. I totally can! I don't have to watch some guy movie.
the following was a post from November 18. Hahahah! Sometimes I over think things and I can get so dramatic. hehe. I'm almost embarrassed to post this but oh well!
Since then I've decided to go back to school. yay! However, I failed to quit dating... But I have a new resolve to only go on two dates a week, which forces me to make some much needed decisions.
And here it goes. enjoy!
"I guess I'm done. I'm done.
I have been so unhappy lately about the direction my life is going right..... because it is going no where. It's that feeling like I'm trying to move forward but I'm not moving at all. I feel like a duck trying to move up a river. I seem to be just floating on the surface but under that water my feet are paddling a hundred miles per hour and I'm not even going anywhere! I'm done paddling in circles.
I want so badly to have some kind of direction in my life. Of course in my head I'm thinking that direction is getting married and having a family.... but it's not happening. I started thinking I need to just make "myself more available," "put myself out there" more, and "show guys that I'm interested." well I've been doing that..... And I'm exhausted. And I'm discouraged. It's all fun and games at first until someone gets hurt or in this case, exhausted and even more frustrated. (All my own fault... of course) I was going on 4 dates a week and I had some kind of expectation that if I am more open to the possibility I would meet someone that I feel good about dating. well....
Maybe I'm not going in that direction and I am done trying. And it's scary.... because it feels like giving up. I know that if I don't "put myself out there" then I will go back to spending every night at home.... and getting married really won't ever happen and I may get even more depressed... which makes me wonder why do I think I need to get married why do I want it so bad? I like having someone to share my life with, I want someone to love and who loves me. I want kids and a family. I guess I already have all of that.... And I wonder if I got married would I feel the same way as I do now? Just having babies and raising kids and maybe still working part time.... so is that really moving? But apparenly I have to learn to be happy with where I am now before I can move forward. At least that is what I'm told. (not sure if I believe all that crap) And it makes me wonder did everyone who has gotten married really love themselves where they were and were completely happy single before they were married? really?! So i'm not putting myself out there anymore. And I'm done trying.
what I will do with my new free time:
quit my job and focus on my photo business?
really do food photography?
art therapy?
or just another job all together?
culinary school?
Since then I've decided to go back to school. yay! However, I failed to quit dating... But I have a new resolve to only go on two dates a week, which forces me to make some much needed decisions.
And here it goes. enjoy!
"I guess I'm done. I'm done.
I have been so unhappy lately about the direction my life is going right..... because it is going no where. It's that feeling like I'm trying to move forward but I'm not moving at all. I feel like a duck trying to move up a river. I seem to be just floating on the surface but under that water my feet are paddling a hundred miles per hour and I'm not even going anywhere! I'm done paddling in circles.
I want so badly to have some kind of direction in my life. Of course in my head I'm thinking that direction is getting married and having a family.... but it's not happening. I started thinking I need to just make "myself more available," "put myself out there" more, and "show guys that I'm interested." well I've been doing that..... And I'm exhausted. And I'm discouraged. It's all fun and games at first until someone gets hurt or in this case, exhausted and even more frustrated. (All my own fault... of course) I was going on 4 dates a week and I had some kind of expectation that if I am more open to the possibility I would meet someone that I feel good about dating. well....
Maybe I'm not going in that direction and I am done trying. And it's scary.... because it feels like giving up. I know that if I don't "put myself out there" then I will go back to spending every night at home.... and getting married really won't ever happen and I may get even more depressed... which makes me wonder why do I think I need to get married why do I want it so bad? I like having someone to share my life with, I want someone to love and who loves me. I want kids and a family. I guess I already have all of that.... And I wonder if I got married would I feel the same way as I do now? Just having babies and raising kids and maybe still working part time.... so is that really moving? But apparenly I have to learn to be happy with where I am now before I can move forward. At least that is what I'm told. (not sure if I believe all that crap) And it makes me wonder did everyone who has gotten married really love themselves where they were and were completely happy single before they were married? really?! So i'm not putting myself out there anymore. And I'm done trying.
what I will do with my new free time:
quit my job and focus on my photo business?
really do food photography?
art therapy?
or just another job all together?
culinary school?
Monday, December 26, 2011
This is not fact but I am quite certain I am absolutely right on this one. (Until I am proven otherwise... hehehe)
What makes a good, successful, happy marriage?
Time
The only difference between that old happily married couple you regard with wonder and the people who had unhappy marriages and are divorced, is time. Sticking it out, staying together, learning to be there for each other, and learning to love and accept each other just the way they are, and growing together and growing in love in those hard times, because every marriage has them.
I imagine it's a different kind of love from when you are dating or have even been married for a few years.
What makes a good, successful, happy marriage?
Time
The only difference between that old happily married couple you regard with wonder and the people who had unhappy marriages and are divorced, is time. Sticking it out, staying together, learning to be there for each other, and learning to love and accept each other just the way they are, and growing together and growing in love in those hard times, because every marriage has them.
I imagine it's a different kind of love from when you are dating or have even been married for a few years.
This is a post I wrote back on Nov 15th that I completely forgot about until I came across this photo on pinterest and I was reminded of this post. So I decided to share it. I just spent the last two hours looking for the source so I could give due credit, but alas I have been unsuccessful. I say wasting two hours of my life is enough to say I tried!
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