the following was a post from November 18. Hahahah! Sometimes I over think things and I can get so dramatic. hehe. I'm almost embarrassed to post this but oh well!

Since then I've decided to go back to school. yay! However, I failed to quit dating... But I have a new resolve to only go on two dates a week, which forces me to make some much needed decisions.

And here it goes. enjoy!

"I guess I'm done. I'm done.


I have been so unhappy lately about the direction my life is going right..... because it is going no where. It's that feeling like I'm trying to move forward but I'm not moving at all. I feel like a duck trying to move up a river. I seem to be just floating on the surface but under that water my feet are paddling a hundred miles per hour and I'm not even going anywhere! I'm done paddling in circles.


I want so badly to have some kind of direction in my life. Of course in my head I'm thinking that direction is getting married and having a family.... but it's not happening. I started thinking I need to just make "myself more available," "put myself out there" more, and "show guys that I'm interested." well I've been doing that..... And I'm exhausted. And I'm discouraged. It's all fun and games at first until someone gets hurt or in this case, exhausted and even more frustrated. (All my own fault... of course) I was going on 4 dates a week  and I had some kind of expectation that if I am more open to the possibility I would meet someone that I feel good about dating. well....


Maybe I'm not going in that direction and I am done trying. And it's scary.... because it feels like giving up. I know that if I don't "put myself out there" then I will go back to spending every night at home.... and getting married really won't ever happen and I may get even more depressed... which makes me wonder why do I think I need to get married why do I want it so bad? I like having someone to share my life with, I want someone to love and who loves me. I want kids and a family. I guess I already have all of that....  And I wonder if I got married would I feel the same way as I do now?  Just having babies and raising kids and maybe still working part time.... so is that really moving? But apparenly I have to learn to be happy with where I am now before I can move forward. At least that is what I'm told. (not sure if I believe all that crap) And it makes me wonder did everyone who has gotten married really love themselves where they were and were completely happy single before they were married? really?! So i'm not putting myself out there anymore. And I'm done trying.


what I will do with my new free time:
quit my job and focus on my photo business?
really do food photography?
art therapy?
or just another job all together?
culinary school?