my hormones hahahahah!

It all started with bad ugly skin. I've had bad acne for 4 years now. I looked like a 14 year old boy in that awkward, going through puberty stage. I've always had decent skin even when I was going through that awkward puberty stage, until  I stopped taking birth control.... My skin went out of control. In denial I tried several cleansers, skin treatments, and  supplements. Nothing seemed to work.  I admit it has taken quite the tole on my self esteem. I had no idea...

Oh this post is going to personal in a girly kinda way... right now....

It wasn't until I started having crazy periods (read: being on my period almost everyday of the month since oct 2011)

I finally saved enough pennies to go see  a hormone specialist. (literally any change I had at the end of the day as well as extra cash at the end of a pay check went into a piggy bank)  But first I went to a gyno to see if it could be caused by something other than hormones. (I dunno cancer or something crazy scary like that.) She wanted to put me on antidepressants and birth control. No way! I wanted to avoid the birth control at all costs since it feels like that is what got me in this mess in the first place and because I'm a freaky new age hippie that way... And I know I don't have depression.

Anyways back to the hormone specialist. I had never been so excited to go the the dr.....
After spitting into a tube, cracking an egg into a pan, a dash of salt and some chanting to the dark side (jk on the egg, salt and chanting) here are my results.  It feels so good to finally know what is wrong with me and what I can do about it.

The culprit: 
Chronic stress/Adrenal exhaustion (causing my crazy periods)
Too much testosterone (causing my horrible acne) yeah I was basically turning into a man...

Basically my adrenals are fatigued because I am constantly running on adrenalin. You know that stuff that makes it so zebra's can run from a predator. That's how it's supposed to work... But my adrenals are always working overtime because of "chronic unresolved stress".  I'm not running from predators.  I'm facing ongoing stress every moment of every day.

Symptoms, What I was experiencing (most of it I didn't know was even related):
anxiety
acne (crazy bad acne!)
irregular periods (long ongoing never ending periods)
hair loss (it was the worst when I was going through my divorce)
depression (i'm always in denial about this one hehe)
mood swings
fatigue
memory lapse
allergies, especially around my dear cat
cold body temperature
sugar cravings
weight gain

Remedy:
sleep (again all signs point to sleep... you'd think I'd start to get more sleep)
reduce stress and stress management
meditation
supplements
natural balancing hormones
healthful diet (less carbs)
exercise
protein before bed


One week later..............

What I've tried:

Meditation - It's hard to make time for this, and trying to fit it in causes a little stress.

Listening to instrumental music, like an old lady

Going to bed earlier - This still feels impossible for me especially when I'm dating but I went to bed at 11:30 the other night!

Supplements, and prescribed hormones - I'm taking a total of 8 pills every morning with my new stuff and my old multivitamins. It's killing me!

Allowing myself to rest if I feel tired 

Being realistic about how much I can accomplish (my to do lists are so small now! i feel a little lazy)

What I've experienced:
Tired as hell, even after having had 8 hours of sleep the night before. For three or four days I was so incredibly exhausted. By 6pm I felt like I might fall over. I HAD to sleep, and not just a little nap, deep sleep.
I admit at first I started stressing about how to get rid of stress. hahhahaha!
Falling asleep one page into reading my human development book (before and after I started the new hormone therapy)
Having to let go of some things that I would normally do, like photography
Fighting the urge to start new projects

Dr Scoville warned me that I would feel "tired"  in the beginning and to remind myself that, "my adrenals are resting. I'm just resting."

Things I still need/want to do:
Eliminate some stressors that I've been procrastinating. (like filing taxes, wisdom teeth extraction, to name the easiest ones)
Replace stressors with things that make me feel happiest (like the beach, creating art, laughing more, camping, going for walks or jogging)
Yoga
Eating less carbs
Prayer
Get more faith. (Something I have always struggled with. I say "get more" because it's easy to say "have more" but it's another thing to actually do it. how do I have more? where do I get more? how can I find it? where do I get it from? how can I create it? It has to come from somewhere.... how?)

Book: "The Gifts of Imperfection"

I realized why I love this blog so much.

I just finished "reading a book" (listening to an audiobook) called, "The Gifts of Imperfection Let Go of Who you Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brene Brown. I loved this book. I will probably listen to it again. I started out by taking notes. One saturday morning, as I knelt beside my bed trying to take down the latest nugget of wisdom, I realized that I was never going to get my room cleaned. ever.... if I kept trying to take notes. So I conceded to just listening and hoping the most important parts would sink in, way down deep.

Although this book is about embracing who you are and living a wholehearted life, Dr Brene Brown's research focuses on shame. Her book draws the connection between shame and feelings of imperfection and not being enough. (something I have always struggled with)

here are just a few of my notes:

Practice courage, compassion, connection = worthiness
Steps for shame resilience:
1) name it
2) talk about it
3) own your story
4) share your story
Authenticity = Embracing who we are. Letting go of who we think we should be.

My reasons for this blog are purely selfish and self serving. There is something so therapeutic and healing about sharing your story. It's owning who I really am and embracing myself in all of my imperfections. It's being honest about who I am and my story. It's letting go of the shame that comes with telling others my feelings, fears, what makes me sad, what I want most of all. (that and I think there is a lot of funny stuff that happens in my dating life. hahahah!)

I also think that in embracing and owning who I am, it gives permission to others to cut the crap, stop putting on the front that they are perfect and have perfect lives, and be honest and own who they are. It gives permission to say, "I'm sad today," when someone asks how we are. It's being able to say, "things aren't turning out the way I wanted, but I hope it turns out for the best in the end." It gives permission to say "I'm unhappy in my marriage. I'm scared and I need someone to listen." "I'm frustrated with my kids, and I don't know what to do." It's being able to say, "I have this great opportunity and I'm trying not to get too excited but I really hope it works out." We can have more compassion for ourselves and others and know that we are all doing the best that we know how. It opens up the doorway for deeper connection and compassion and love.

Do only beautiful people fall in love? right now it seems that way....
Damn, pinterest! Damn, blogs containing beautiful people in their fake dreamy lives!

some bitter person in my singles ward posted this on facebook...... I would be curious to see how true it is. There do seem to be a small handful of girls and guys in the singles ward that everyone wants to date...

or is it just that only one percent of the ward is actually dating....

There is a problem with trusting statistics like this... and granted this one is probably made up, it would be interesting to know the real percentages of dating in the singles ward....

I am seriously questioning my own judgement when it comes to choosing men online.... hahaha

Usually I just wait for guys to contact me. but this one time..... at band camp.... hahah! no really though, one day I was feeling more brave and assertive about online dating. I did a search and sent a few flirts to some guys. I heard back from two of them. yay! right? not really....
After one date I realized I wasn't very good at picking guys I "want" to date. hahahah!

How singles wards kill hope

I know the singles ward is not intended to be a meat market, rather a place where you can worship, with the added benefit of being around like-minded people who are at the same stage in life. But I can't help but hope that maybe I might make mutual friends and heaven forbid maybe meet someone I could possibly like enough to date and or marry, especially for someone like me where meeting decent single guys is harder.

You would think going to a singles ward would give you more hope in the possibility of marriage, but sometimes what it really does is crush the last ounce of hope you did have.

The sheer number of single girls in a singles ward makes you realize you don't stand a chance. There are a lot more cute girls to compete with than you ever imagined, as compared to the number of guys, and then taking into account all the other factors like age (I'm 29, so the fact that the average age in my ward is 23 narrows my options), level or weirdness (cut the number of eligible guys over the age of 25 in half), the number of attractive guys who are unattached, etc.... It makes you realize there aren't as many options, as far as decent guys to date, as you'd hope. And it brings to light the fact that there are a lot of other single people out there who never get married and you are one of them that may never get married.

Just sayin' sometimes the singles ward makes you realize what a hopeless cause you are. hahahaha!

Conversation between me and my ex husband over text:

him: are you getting married?
me: no. why?
me: are you?
him: maybe