A wise man (my older brother) once said, "it's better to be the person that is less interested in or less into the other person than the other person is into you" or something like that. Basically if you're less into the other person you have all the control.

A wise woman (I'm not sure who. it could have been my friend, Kristina or my sister, because they are both very wise) once said, "in every relationship there are times where one will be more into the other but it all balances out because you take turns being the less interested and more interested one" well that's my version of it.

Another wise woman once said, "a marriage/relationship is not 50/50. It's 100/100. Each person has to give 100%." that was me but I learned that from several people while going through the hardest year of my marriage so I can't take full credit for it. Both people have to give 100% for it to be successful and fulfilling relationship. I struggled with this in my marriage because if I'm giving 100% and the other person is giving 30% then I start to lose the drive to give 100%. Apparently "the highest vibration will be honored" and by living fully and loving freely and giving 100% you will inspire others to give and love fully too..... however there is the possibility that they will choose not to be inspired.... and that is where the other person will step up.... or the relationship will "dissolve".

okay and one last thought: according to Alisa Goodwin Snell, "Utah's dating coach" and author of "Dating game secrets for marrying a good man"(yeah... I read it. Don't judge. Desperate times call for desperate measures and it was actually good), "Men are driven to succeed, face challenges, compete, and conquer... No matter how much a good man may deeply enjoy a woman taking the lead, where there is no challenge, there is no conquest, and he is likely to become bored and start looking for something better within three weeks (because things that seem more challenging seem more rewarding)." she also says, being too available "turns men off because things that are more challenging seem more rewarding to men."

so what's the point of this rambling....? I'm just trying to sort things out in my head between giving 100% in a relationship and  allowing the man I am with to step up and be a man and pursue me. I'm trying to figure out how all of that fits together.... because I do believe all of those things.

Does there come a point in a relationship where you stop the chase and accept that you have each other... and you graciously give of yourselves and the love easily and freely? when is that point? why does pulling back my love and the way I choose to express/show my love feel like I'm holding back? And can you really have a fully connected and fulfilling relationship when one or both are holding back?

ways I'm thinking of pulling back:
not text him to say hi everyday
not leave my nights open when I know he has work off
not leave silly notes for him
not give him little gifts like homemade cookies, chocolate from the store, things for his house, etc
not invite him to social things that I am going to
don't always be available that evening if he calls at the last minute ( find stuff that i "have" to do)

and I'm justifying it by saying that it takes more work for me to hold back and thus that is me giving my 100% and I'm allowing him to step up and take the lead like a man. and as scary as it is.... accept that if he doesn't step up and lean in and it "dissolves" then it wasn't the relationship for me.

we get so many stray cats at my work. Ever since we rescued one and then took in two more, people are always bringing strays in asking if we want one. I'm sure it's because we have so many animal lovers here that we do always find a home for them.Today we actually found two baby kittens out in our bushes.

I've already taken home one kitten that the office manager brought in two months ago, I did consider, for about two seconds, taking one of these.

I am sure if I ever move out and don't get married I will proudly accept the role of the crazy cat lady. Walk around in a house coat and slippers all day taking care of my 8 cats, finally to get dressed around 5:00 pm and put them on a leash and walk them around the neighborhood in my curlers. I will probably take up smoking too, because that's what cat ladies do.

*FMFL

Being 29 in a singles ward makes you feel pretty old, with all the 19 year olds graduating from high school checking out the singles ward.... The new ward is not helping much. Turns out the majority of the time when I meet someone they turn out to be the youngest sister or brother of someone I went to high school with. (now that the wards are organized purely geographically)

Truth be told, my naive, silly self honestly thought that switching the ward boundaries would yield more of the "older population" (25-30) because I wouldn't be going to a "student ward"anymore. silly silly silly....

If being 29  in a Utah singles ward doesn't make you feel old enough as it is.....
Imagine how old I felt when a familiar face walked into sacrament meeting... the face of a boy I used to babysit when I was in Jr high school. I used to walk to their house everyday after school and watch him and his older sister. He used to wrap himself around my leg so I had to drag him around to get anywhere and I vaguely remember bossing him around to do things like do his homework, feed the dogs etc....

apparently he had just gotten off his mission. I have to admit that made me feel older than the new high school grads.

He actually asked a mutual acquaintance about me and said I was cute. It doesn't really make me feel any younger but maybe just a tiny bit less undesirable.



*eff my effing life