This is me every wednesday night.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
The mean girls club
Something has been weighing heavily on my mind lately that I feel I need to write about.
Yesterday sydney came home saying she wants to move to another school....
The source of this desire is not new, but it has escalated so bad that she wants to move. And I want to jump in and move her, to fix it, to make things better. But I know in moving we would just be leaving one bad situation to another.
When most people think of bullying they think of the big, mean boy in fifth grade picking on the little third graders and pushing them over on the bus..... But the type of bullying that so often goes under the radar, the type that President Obama's anti-bullying campaign does not address, the type that is overlooked so often by school teachers principals and counselors, is the kind of bullying that Sydney has become so entangled in. I'm not discounting Pres Obama's efforts to help minorities and underprivileged students, or the countless people who are fighting to stop bullying. But there is so much being done about bullying but no one recognizes the "relational aggression" and "social cruelty" that most girls in school experience. Relational aggression is different from bullying, where children often "use social power to have influence over their peers." ("How to bully proof young girls") And I am one of those guilty of discounting it... Until now.
When Sydney first came to me complaining about the girls in her class being mean I told her ignore them. I later found out that they were her friends, so I told her to just play with other kids, make new friends. I started suspecting that she was being bullied and couldn't understand why she would want to be their friend. But it goes deeper than that...
This is a case of Queen Bees and Wannabes, the mean girls club as seen on the movie, Mean Girls (yeah that hilarious movie back in 2004 about the mean girls club). But sydney is in third grade.... and those are about girls in high school. And the kind of social cruelty that Sydney is involved in is way worse than that shown in the movie.... The movie shows the cruelty that goes on but doesn't bring to light the kind of emotional damage relational aggression does. You can't just solve this problem by gathering all the girls together and having them say you're sorry and sharing little pieces of the homecoming crown, although it did make you feel all warm and fuzzy when watching the movie. It is more complicated than that, more complicated and requires more than even the weekly sessions these girls are attending with the school counselor.
Now that I am learning more about relational aggression I realized this started much earlier than third grade. I clearly remember a conversation I had with Sydney's kindergarten teacher when I addressed some concerns. Her response, all girls go through this where they are just learning the new dynamics of being school with other kids, and finding where they fit in... Yeah! They're learning to navigate the earliest years of the mean girls club and what it takes to fit in!
I wish I could say that Sydney is the innocent one in all of this... But I am only getting her side of the story (hence, why I thought it was a case of basic "bullying"). But after talking to her teacher, I've learned no one is innocent. She is playing her own role as everyday there is a different girl getting her feelings hurt. There is so much "bullying" and social cruelty going on in this group of "friends". And as a parent I feel helpless. I am not there to be like "you girls be nice now!" And like that would ever work! ha!
Well I started reading a book, "Little Girls can be Mean," by Michelle Anthony M.A PhD and Reyna Lindert PhD. I'm hoping to learn what I can do, but I feel hopeless when there is so much going on at school. I know I have to let Sydney learn how to handle each situation as it comes and how to be a good friend and how to influence others for good.
Here is another interesting article on "How Girls Bully" and mentions some of the ways Sydney's group of friends interact from day to day.
Yesterday sydney came home saying she wants to move to another school....
The source of this desire is not new, but it has escalated so bad that she wants to move. And I want to jump in and move her, to fix it, to make things better. But I know in moving we would just be leaving one bad situation to another.
When most people think of bullying they think of the big, mean boy in fifth grade picking on the little third graders and pushing them over on the bus..... But the type of bullying that so often goes under the radar, the type that President Obama's anti-bullying campaign does not address, the type that is overlooked so often by school teachers principals and counselors, is the kind of bullying that Sydney has become so entangled in. I'm not discounting Pres Obama's efforts to help minorities and underprivileged students, or the countless people who are fighting to stop bullying. But there is so much being done about bullying but no one recognizes the "relational aggression" and "social cruelty" that most girls in school experience. Relational aggression is different from bullying, where children often "use social power to have influence over their peers." ("How to bully proof young girls") And I am one of those guilty of discounting it... Until now.
When Sydney first came to me complaining about the girls in her class being mean I told her ignore them. I later found out that they were her friends, so I told her to just play with other kids, make new friends. I started suspecting that she was being bullied and couldn't understand why she would want to be their friend. But it goes deeper than that...
This is a case of Queen Bees and Wannabes, the mean girls club as seen on the movie, Mean Girls (yeah that hilarious movie back in 2004 about the mean girls club). But sydney is in third grade.... and those are about girls in high school. And the kind of social cruelty that Sydney is involved in is way worse than that shown in the movie.... The movie shows the cruelty that goes on but doesn't bring to light the kind of emotional damage relational aggression does. You can't just solve this problem by gathering all the girls together and having them say you're sorry and sharing little pieces of the homecoming crown, although it did make you feel all warm and fuzzy when watching the movie. It is more complicated than that, more complicated and requires more than even the weekly sessions these girls are attending with the school counselor.
Now that I am learning more about relational aggression I realized this started much earlier than third grade. I clearly remember a conversation I had with Sydney's kindergarten teacher when I addressed some concerns. Her response, all girls go through this where they are just learning the new dynamics of being school with other kids, and finding where they fit in... Yeah! They're learning to navigate the earliest years of the mean girls club and what it takes to fit in!
I wish I could say that Sydney is the innocent one in all of this... But I am only getting her side of the story (hence, why I thought it was a case of basic "bullying"). But after talking to her teacher, I've learned no one is innocent. She is playing her own role as everyday there is a different girl getting her feelings hurt. There is so much "bullying" and social cruelty going on in this group of "friends". And as a parent I feel helpless. I am not there to be like "you girls be nice now!" And like that would ever work! ha!
Well I started reading a book, "Little Girls can be Mean," by Michelle Anthony M.A PhD and Reyna Lindert PhD. I'm hoping to learn what I can do, but I feel hopeless when there is so much going on at school. I know I have to let Sydney learn how to handle each situation as it comes and how to be a good friend and how to influence others for good.
Here is another interesting article on "How Girls Bully" and mentions some of the ways Sydney's group of friends interact from day to day.
Monday, February 27, 2012
I had a baby
I love when I have dreams and actually remember them. I rarely remember my dreams so when I do I get really excited.
In my dream last night I had a baby. I had a baby.... Its a weird thought but it felt very natural in my dream. I was struggling to get her out of a car seat because it had like a thousand latches, literally it had like 8 or something but then I turned on the light and it was easy all of a sudden. I held her for a minute, kissed her head and told her she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I remember wondering where I was going to fit a bassinet for her to sleep in. I asked my mom "how do I know if she is too hot or too cold?" And then I wished I would have read that book "What to expect when you are expecting" and thought, maybe my sister, Carly still has hers that I can borrow...
And that was it.
Pretty normal... right? My dreams aren't ever too crazy, just pieces of my life with a little twist. According to a few websites babies signify:
innocence, warmth and new life
something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, and uncorrupted
the need for self-nurturing and taking care of my own inner child
new beginning or phase in your life.
I like to think this is true... Maybe I am approaching a new idea of nurturing myself and my inner child. I have never in my life put a conscious effort in taking care of myself spiritually and emotionally like I have been recently. And considering the main story line of my dream maybe I am still just feeling my way around and learning how to take care of myself. It is so typical of me to think I should read a book to figure out how to do that... hehe. I am new at this self love and self nurturing thing, but I feel hopeful about the peace and inner harmony that I want to have.
In my dream last night I had a baby. I had a baby.... Its a weird thought but it felt very natural in my dream. I was struggling to get her out of a car seat because it had like a thousand latches, literally it had like 8 or something but then I turned on the light and it was easy all of a sudden. I held her for a minute, kissed her head and told her she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I remember wondering where I was going to fit a bassinet for her to sleep in. I asked my mom "how do I know if she is too hot or too cold?" And then I wished I would have read that book "What to expect when you are expecting" and thought, maybe my sister, Carly still has hers that I can borrow...
And that was it.
Pretty normal... right? My dreams aren't ever too crazy, just pieces of my life with a little twist. According to a few websites babies signify:
innocence, warmth and new life
something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, and uncorrupted
the need for self-nurturing and taking care of my own inner child
new beginning or phase in your life.
I like to think this is true... Maybe I am approaching a new idea of nurturing myself and my inner child. I have never in my life put a conscious effort in taking care of myself spiritually and emotionally like I have been recently. And considering the main story line of my dream maybe I am still just feeling my way around and learning how to take care of myself. It is so typical of me to think I should read a book to figure out how to do that... hehe. I am new at this self love and self nurturing thing, but I feel hopeful about the peace and inner harmony that I want to have.
Photo by Alisa Groves Photography
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Jobs I secretly want:
esthetician - so I can pick people's zits. I know you're cringing right now. "ewe!" whatevs. Everyone likes picking their zits.... I'm just willing to admit it. And I'm kinda bitter that my esthetician can pick at my face but she chastises me for picking at my own face.
homemaker - so I can sit at home on my butt, watch soap operas, talk on the phone with my sister and go to lunch with the girls. hahah! no... but really there are times, I admit, that I think it would be so nice to be able to spend more time at home and then I think maybe I could focus on other things that fall to the bottom of my to do list like clean my bathroom... But I know that's not how it really is... hahaha! we all know it's impossible to keep things clean with kids around.
esthetician - so I can pick people's zits. I know you're cringing right now. "ewe!" whatevs. Everyone likes picking their zits.... I'm just willing to admit it. And I'm kinda bitter that my esthetician can pick at my face but she chastises me for picking at my own face.
homemaker - so I can sit at home on my butt, watch soap operas, talk on the phone with my sister and go to lunch with the girls. hahah! no... but really there are times, I admit, that I think it would be so nice to be able to spend more time at home and then I think maybe I could focus on other things that fall to the bottom of my to do list like clean my bathroom... But I know that's not how it really is... hahaha! we all know it's impossible to keep things clean with kids around.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
my hormones hahahahah!
It all started with bad ugly skin. I've had bad acne for 4 years now. I looked like a 14 year old boy in that awkward, going through puberty stage. I've always had decent skin even when I was going through that awkward puberty stage, until I stopped taking birth control.... My skin went out of control. In denial I tried several cleansers, skin treatments, and supplements. Nothing seemed to work. I admit it has taken quite the tole on my self esteem. I had no idea...
Oh this post is going to personal in a girly kinda way... right now....
It wasn't until I started having crazy periods (read: being on my period almost everyday of the month since oct 2011)
I finally saved enough pennies to go see a hormone specialist. (literally any change I had at the end of the day as well as extra cash at the end of a pay check went into a piggy bank) But first I went to a gyno to see if it could be caused by something other than hormones. (I dunno cancer or something crazy scary like that.) She wanted to put me on antidepressants and birth control. No way! I wanted to avoid the birth control at all costs since it feels like that is what got me in this mess in the first place and because I'm a freaky new age hippie that way... And I know I don't have depression.
Anyways back to the hormone specialist. I had never been so excited to go the the dr.....
After spitting into a tube, cracking an egg into a pan, a dash of salt and some chanting to the dark side (jk on the egg, salt and chanting) here are my results. It feels so good to finally know what is wrong with me and what I can do about it.
The culprit:
Chronic stress/Adrenal exhaustion (causing my crazy periods)
Too much testosterone (causing my horrible acne) yeah I was basically turning into a man...
Basically my adrenals are fatigued because I am constantly running on adrenalin. You know that stuff that makes it so zebra's can run from a predator. That's how it's supposed to work... But my adrenals are always working overtime because of "chronic unresolved stress". I'm not running from predators. I'm facing ongoing stress every moment of every day.
Symptoms, What I was experiencing (most of it I didn't know was even related):
anxiety
acne (crazy bad acne!)
irregular periods (long ongoing never ending periods)
hair loss (it was the worst when I was going through my divorce)
depression (i'm always in denial about this one hehe)
mood swings
fatigue
memory lapse
allergies, especially around my dear cat
cold body temperature
sugar cravings
weight gain
Remedy:
sleep (again all signs point to sleep... you'd think I'd start to get more sleep)
reduce stress and stress management
meditation
supplements
natural balancing hormones
healthful diet (less carbs)
exercise
protein before bed
One week later..............
Being realistic about how much I can accomplish (my to do lists are so small now! i feel a little lazy)
What I've experienced:
Tired as hell, even after having had 8 hours of sleep the night before. For three or four days I was so incredibly exhausted. By 6pm I felt like I might fall over. I HAD to sleep, and not just a little nap, deep sleep.
I admit at first I started stressing about how to get rid of stress. hahhahaha!
Falling asleep one page into reading my human development book (before and after I started the new hormone therapy)
Having to let go of some things that I would normally do, like photography
Fighting the urge to start new projects
Dr Scoville warned me that I would feel "tired" in the beginning and to remind myself that, "my adrenals are resting. I'm just resting."
Things I still need/want to do:
Eliminate some stressors that I've been procrastinating. (like filing taxes, wisdom teeth extraction, to name the easiest ones)
Replace stressors with things that make me feel happiest (like the beach, creating art, laughing more, camping, going for walks or jogging)
Yoga
Eating less carbs
Prayer
Get more faith. (Something I have always struggled with. I say "get more" because it's easy to say "have more" but it's another thing to actually do it. how do I have more? where do I get more? how can I find it? where do I get it from? how can I create it? It has to come from somewhere.... how?)
Oh this post is going to personal in a girly kinda way... right now....
It wasn't until I started having crazy periods (read: being on my period almost everyday of the month since oct 2011)
I finally saved enough pennies to go see a hormone specialist. (literally any change I had at the end of the day as well as extra cash at the end of a pay check went into a piggy bank) But first I went to a gyno to see if it could be caused by something other than hormones. (I dunno cancer or something crazy scary like that.) She wanted to put me on antidepressants and birth control. No way! I wanted to avoid the birth control at all costs since it feels like that is what got me in this mess in the first place and because I'm a freaky new age hippie that way... And I know I don't have depression.
Anyways back to the hormone specialist. I had never been so excited to go the the dr.....
After spitting into a tube, cracking an egg into a pan, a dash of salt and some chanting to the dark side (jk on the egg, salt and chanting) here are my results. It feels so good to finally know what is wrong with me and what I can do about it.
The culprit:
Chronic stress/Adrenal exhaustion (causing my crazy periods)
Too much testosterone (causing my horrible acne) yeah I was basically turning into a man...
Basically my adrenals are fatigued because I am constantly running on adrenalin. You know that stuff that makes it so zebra's can run from a predator. That's how it's supposed to work... But my adrenals are always working overtime because of "chronic unresolved stress". I'm not running from predators. I'm facing ongoing stress every moment of every day.
Symptoms, What I was experiencing (most of it I didn't know was even related):
anxiety
acne (crazy bad acne!)
irregular periods (long ongoing never ending periods)
hair loss (it was the worst when I was going through my divorce)
depression (i'm always in denial about this one hehe)
mood swings
fatigue
memory lapse
allergies, especially around my dear cat
cold body temperature
sugar cravings
weight gain
Remedy:
sleep (again all signs point to sleep... you'd think I'd start to get more sleep)
reduce stress and stress management
meditation
supplements
natural balancing hormones
healthful diet (less carbs)
exercise
protein before bed
One week later..............
What I've tried:
Meditation - It's hard to make time for this, and trying to fit it in causes a little stress.
Listening to instrumental music, like an old lady
Going to bed earlier - This still feels impossible for me especially when I'm dating but I went to bed at 11:30 the other night!
Supplements, and prescribed hormones - I'm taking a total of 8 pills every morning with my new stuff and my old multivitamins. It's killing me!
Allowing myself to rest if I feel tired
Being realistic about how much I can accomplish (my to do lists are so small now! i feel a little lazy)
What I've experienced:
Tired as hell, even after having had 8 hours of sleep the night before. For three or four days I was so incredibly exhausted. By 6pm I felt like I might fall over. I HAD to sleep, and not just a little nap, deep sleep.
I admit at first I started stressing about how to get rid of stress. hahhahaha!
Falling asleep one page into reading my human development book (before and after I started the new hormone therapy)
Having to let go of some things that I would normally do, like photography
Fighting the urge to start new projects
Dr Scoville warned me that I would feel "tired" in the beginning and to remind myself that, "my adrenals are resting. I'm just resting."
Things I still need/want to do:
Eliminate some stressors that I've been procrastinating. (like filing taxes, wisdom teeth extraction, to name the easiest ones)
Replace stressors with things that make me feel happiest (like the beach, creating art, laughing more, camping, going for walks or jogging)
Yoga
Eating less carbs
Prayer
Get more faith. (Something I have always struggled with. I say "get more" because it's easy to say "have more" but it's another thing to actually do it. how do I have more? where do I get more? how can I find it? where do I get it from? how can I create it? It has to come from somewhere.... how?)
Monday, February 20, 2012
Book: "The Gifts of Imperfection"
I realized why I love this blog so much.
I just finished "reading a book" (listening to an audiobook) called, "The Gifts of Imperfection Let Go of Who you Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brene Brown. I loved this book. I will probably listen to it again. I started out by taking notes. One saturday morning, as I knelt beside my bed trying to take down the latest nugget of wisdom, I realized that I was never going to get my room cleaned. ever.... if I kept trying to take notes. So I conceded to just listening and hoping the most important parts would sink in, way down deep.
Although this book is about embracing who you are and living a wholehearted life, Dr Brene Brown's research focuses on shame. Her book draws the connection between shame and feelings of imperfection and not being enough. (something I have always struggled with)
here are just a few of my notes:
Practice courage, compassion, connection = worthiness
Steps for shame resilience:
1) name it
2) talk about it
3) own your story
4) share your story
Authenticity = Embracing who we are. Letting go of who we think we should be.
My reasons for this blog are purely selfish and self serving. There is something so therapeutic and healing about sharing your story. It's owning who I really am and embracing myself in all of my imperfections. It's being honest about who I am and my story. It's letting go of the shame that comes with telling others my feelings, fears, what makes me sad, what I want most of all. (that and I think there is a lot of funny stuff that happens in my dating life. hahahah!)
I also think that in embracing and owning who I am, it gives permission to others to cut the crap, stop putting on the front that they are perfect and have perfect lives, and be honest and own who they are. It gives permission to say, "I'm sad today," when someone asks how we are. It's being able to say, "things aren't turning out the way I wanted, but I hope it turns out for the best in the end." It gives permission to say "I'm unhappy in my marriage. I'm scared and I need someone to listen." "I'm frustrated with my kids, and I don't know what to do." It's being able to say, "I have this great opportunity and I'm trying not to get too excited but I really hope it works out." We can have more compassion for ourselves and others and know that we are all doing the best that we know how. It opens up the doorway for deeper connection and compassion and love.
I just finished "reading a book" (listening to an audiobook) called, "The Gifts of Imperfection Let Go of Who you Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brene Brown. I loved this book. I will probably listen to it again. I started out by taking notes. One saturday morning, as I knelt beside my bed trying to take down the latest nugget of wisdom, I realized that I was never going to get my room cleaned. ever.... if I kept trying to take notes. So I conceded to just listening and hoping the most important parts would sink in, way down deep.
Although this book is about embracing who you are and living a wholehearted life, Dr Brene Brown's research focuses on shame. Her book draws the connection between shame and feelings of imperfection and not being enough. (something I have always struggled with)
here are just a few of my notes:
Practice courage, compassion, connection = worthiness
Steps for shame resilience:
1) name it
2) talk about it
3) own your story
4) share your story
Authenticity = Embracing who we are. Letting go of who we think we should be.
My reasons for this blog are purely selfish and self serving. There is something so therapeutic and healing about sharing your story. It's owning who I really am and embracing myself in all of my imperfections. It's being honest about who I am and my story. It's letting go of the shame that comes with telling others my feelings, fears, what makes me sad, what I want most of all. (that and I think there is a lot of funny stuff that happens in my dating life. hahahah!)
I also think that in embracing and owning who I am, it gives permission to others to cut the crap, stop putting on the front that they are perfect and have perfect lives, and be honest and own who they are. It gives permission to say, "I'm sad today," when someone asks how we are. It's being able to say, "things aren't turning out the way I wanted, but I hope it turns out for the best in the end." It gives permission to say "I'm unhappy in my marriage. I'm scared and I need someone to listen." "I'm frustrated with my kids, and I don't know what to do." It's being able to say, "I have this great opportunity and I'm trying not to get too excited but I really hope it works out." We can have more compassion for ourselves and others and know that we are all doing the best that we know how. It opens up the doorway for deeper connection and compassion and love.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
some bitter person in my singles ward posted this on facebook...... I would be curious to see how true it is. There do seem to be a small handful of girls and guys in the singles ward that everyone wants to date...
or is it just that only one percent of the ward is actually dating....
There is a problem with trusting statistics like this... and granted this one is probably made up, it would be interesting to know the real percentages of dating in the singles ward....
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I am seriously questioning my own judgement when it comes to choosing men online.... hahaha
Usually I just wait for guys to contact me. but this one time..... at band camp.... hahah! no really though, one day I was feeling more brave and assertive about online dating. I did a search and sent a few flirts to some guys. I heard back from two of them. yay! right? not really....
After one date I realized I wasn't very good at picking guys I "want" to date. hahahah!
Usually I just wait for guys to contact me. but this one time..... at band camp.... hahah! no really though, one day I was feeling more brave and assertive about online dating. I did a search and sent a few flirts to some guys. I heard back from two of them. yay! right? not really....
After one date I realized I wasn't very good at picking guys I "want" to date. hahahah!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
How singles wards kill hope
I know the singles ward is not intended to be a meat market, rather a place where you can worship, with the added benefit of being around like-minded people who are at the same stage in life. But I can't help but hope that maybe I might make mutual friends and heaven forbid maybe meet someone I could possibly like enough to date and or marry, especially for someone like me where meeting decent single guys is harder.
You would think going to a singles ward would give you more hope in the possibility of marriage, but sometimes what it really does is crush the last ounce of hope you did have.
The sheer number of single girls in a singles ward makes you realize you don't stand a chance. There are a lot more cute girls to compete with than you ever imagined, as compared to the number of guys, and then taking into account all the other factors like age (I'm 29, so the fact that the average age in my ward is 23 narrows my options), level or weirdness (cut the number of eligible guys over the age of 25 in half), the number of attractive guys who are unattached, etc.... It makes you realize there aren't as many options, as far as decent guys to date, as you'd hope. And it brings to light the fact that there are a lot of other single people out there who never get married and you are one of them that may never get married.
Just sayin' sometimes the singles ward makes you realize what a hopeless cause you are. hahahaha!
You would think going to a singles ward would give you more hope in the possibility of marriage, but sometimes what it really does is crush the last ounce of hope you did have.
The sheer number of single girls in a singles ward makes you realize you don't stand a chance. There are a lot more cute girls to compete with than you ever imagined, as compared to the number of guys, and then taking into account all the other factors like age (I'm 29, so the fact that the average age in my ward is 23 narrows my options), level or weirdness (cut the number of eligible guys over the age of 25 in half), the number of attractive guys who are unattached, etc.... It makes you realize there aren't as many options, as far as decent guys to date, as you'd hope. And it brings to light the fact that there are a lot of other single people out there who never get married and you are one of them that may never get married.
Just sayin' sometimes the singles ward makes you realize what a hopeless cause you are. hahahaha!
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