I like lists. I love making lists. So here is a list.

Times when I think, "I am so glad I'm not married right now":

1) When I see my brother and his wife arguing about who gets to go on a vacation over a certain weekend. the debate is if he gets to go on a hunting trip or if she gets to go to Las Vegas with her girlfriends.

2) Christmas time. I can't help but think what a relief it is to not have to stress about what to buy my husband for Christmas. Buying gifts for guys is so hard and stressful! I never know what to get.

3) After Christmas shopping with my sister and her husband is not happy about the money she spent. I can spend my own money on whatever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want and not have to feel guilty about what I bought or how much it cost.

4) On Christmas and Thanksgiving after I just stuffed my face full of turkey and all I want to do is sleep. I don't have to worry about going out in the cold and making the trip to someone else's house and I don't have to miss out on playing cards with my family.

5) On nights when all I want to do is be lazy, sit in my jammies, be cozy and watch a chick flick. I totally can! I don't have to watch some guy movie.

the following was a post from November 18. Hahahah! Sometimes I over think things and I can get so dramatic. hehe. I'm almost embarrassed to post this but oh well!

Since then I've decided to go back to school. yay! However, I failed to quit dating... But I have a new resolve to only go on two dates a week, which forces me to make some much needed decisions.

And here it goes. enjoy!

"I guess I'm done. I'm done.


I have been so unhappy lately about the direction my life is going right..... because it is going no where. It's that feeling like I'm trying to move forward but I'm not moving at all. I feel like a duck trying to move up a river. I seem to be just floating on the surface but under that water my feet are paddling a hundred miles per hour and I'm not even going anywhere! I'm done paddling in circles.


I want so badly to have some kind of direction in my life. Of course in my head I'm thinking that direction is getting married and having a family.... but it's not happening. I started thinking I need to just make "myself more available," "put myself out there" more, and "show guys that I'm interested." well I've been doing that..... And I'm exhausted. And I'm discouraged. It's all fun and games at first until someone gets hurt or in this case, exhausted and even more frustrated. (All my own fault... of course) I was going on 4 dates a week  and I had some kind of expectation that if I am more open to the possibility I would meet someone that I feel good about dating. well....


Maybe I'm not going in that direction and I am done trying. And it's scary.... because it feels like giving up. I know that if I don't "put myself out there" then I will go back to spending every night at home.... and getting married really won't ever happen and I may get even more depressed... which makes me wonder why do I think I need to get married why do I want it so bad? I like having someone to share my life with, I want someone to love and who loves me. I want kids and a family. I guess I already have all of that....  And I wonder if I got married would I feel the same way as I do now?  Just having babies and raising kids and maybe still working part time.... so is that really moving? But apparenly I have to learn to be happy with where I am now before I can move forward. At least that is what I'm told. (not sure if I believe all that crap) And it makes me wonder did everyone who has gotten married really love themselves where they were and were completely happy single before they were married? really?! So i'm not putting myself out there anymore. And I'm done trying.


what I will do with my new free time:
quit my job and focus on my photo business?
really do food photography?
art therapy?
or just another job all together?
culinary school?

I’m not a skinny girl,

I’ve never been a skinny girl,

I’ll probably never be a skinny girl.

and that's okay

Email of the day from match.com:

"Let's spoil you!"

Really?! that's it....?  No "hi. how are you?"  "hi. my name is..." ?! nothing is more insulting than to have someone minimize who I am as a woman. Okay! There are a lot more insulting things. hahahaha! Just being dramatic... but really?!

He may as well have just said, " I know you are a girl, so you must be dumb and superficial and only care about getting stuff and things.... So rather than waste my time typing a real message and to get to know you, I'm just going to play off your materialistic nature by saying 'let's spoil you.' okay? Now swoon...."

No thank you! Go spoil someone else who doesn't have brain. I'm looking for more than someone to spoil me and you didn't make the cut.

why are beards so sexy? It is unexplainable. but they are. wouldn't you agree? not the super long nasty kind but just a bit of scruff is oh so nice to look at....



http://edwardbennett.tumblr.com/post/13856520303

This is not fact but I am quite certain I am absolutely right on this one. (Until I am proven otherwise... hehehe)
What makes a good, successful, happy marriage?


Time

The only difference between that old happily married couple you regard with wonder and the people who had unhappy marriages and are divorced, is time. Sticking it out, staying together, learning to be there for each other,  and learning to love and accept each other just the way they are, and growing together and growing in love in those hard times, because every marriage has them.
I imagine it's a different kind of love from when you are dating or have even been married for a few years.

This is a post I wrote back on Nov 15th that I completely forgot about until I came across this photo on pinterest and I was reminded of this post. So I decided to share it.  I just spent the last two hours looking for the source so I could give due credit, but alas I have been unsuccessful. I say wasting two hours of my life is enough to say I tried!

I'm sure in every singles ward there is that one guy... that guy that all the girls love, the guy that is always surrounded by a crowd of girls just hoping and praying he might notice them. Everyone knows who he is.Well there is one in my ward, as in every ward, I'm sure.

He's the "complete package": he is very attractive, nice face and clearly in good shape as pointed out when he talks about the physical training he does, he sings (or plays guitar), he does (insert manly job here, such as mining for gold in Alaska), he is "so spiritual," as noted when he bore his testimony on fast sunday.... etc. well I admit those things do seem pretty exciting.... and manly.... hahaha (don't judge me.)

But the hottie patottie in the ward isn't so hot after talking to him. I've had a few occasions to speak with him under different circumstances and I feel like I know everything about his workout routine, his manly job, his music, and his dating life, as every conversation consists of those same topics. But if you asked him, I don't think he could tell you one thing about me. Not that I'm particularly crushed by it. Just saying I don't think Dale Carnegie's rules on "How to Win Friends and Influence People" apply to hot people. Seems like they can get away with talking about only themselves in every conversation and still get every girl in the ward to swoon.

I don't know if I'm more disappointed in him or all the girls who follow him around like love sick puppies.

Me, the cat lady

A recently divorced friend of mine and I were reviewing each other's online dating profiles and giving feedback. He informed me that I should not say anything about how I like cats. hahaha!

Apparently, if a girl says she likes cats, guys get the visual of a crazy cat lady.....  (which I don't deny I secretly aspire to be one day) I don't normally make it a point to mention that I like cats or have a cat. However, some sites have a list of questions that you can answer to be displayed on your profile and I selected the kinds of animals I like, cats. If you select that you have a cat it shows on the profile as, "Has cats" under the pet section.  Notice the plural... CATS. Nothing says cat lady like multiple cats! but it feels dishonest to not mention that I do indeed have a cat....

removed "has cats" from my online dating profile. 

I know this is not on my list of "what not to do on your online dating profile," and I can't even explain why I was so turned off by this photo.....
Pictures with your kids are okay and fine and good. This one just seemed tacky with his baby standing on the bathroom counter while trying to get that sexy bathroom photo/"slimming" side shot. hahahah!

Online dating tips for men

This is my first confession of online dating on this blog. Yes I date online. there. I said it. Okay now that that is out of the way....

I think I could write a book about what not to do when online dating...for guys. If I knew what girls shouldn't be doing, maybe the whole online dating thing would have worked for me by now!

There are the obvious turn offs when it comes to viewing ones profile, like having a bad photo or no photo of yourself or little to no text, etc. But I wanted to share some things that are instant turnoffs. I suspect guys think are helping their case, where in fact it is doing the opposite for me.

ooooo! just got a brilliant idea to share examples.... hmmm.... but then I'd have to actually look through a bunch of horrible profiles. And I just don't want to do that! maybe i'll share as I come across them...

What not to do on your profile:

-Shirtless photo, in the bathroom mirror, using your cel phone
-Lots of shirtless photos of yourself from multiple angles
-Starting your introduction with "I'm that guy who..." and then painting this fairy tale picture of a knight in shining armor who will take me away with all of his chivalry.
-Negativity or bitterness towards girls and obviously have a chip on your shoulder (see here)
-Have tons of girls in your photos (perhaps they want to seem appealing to the opposite sex but really you just look like a player)
-Overselling - stating in the first sentence how big your house is and how much money you make, one pic of yourself and 10 of you house, boat, car, big vacation, etc.

Although it appears as if I have not written a blog post for two weeks, If you were to look at my blog interface you would see that I actually have been writing. I just haven't posted any of them. hahahaha! I start a post and then never finish it or sometimes I like to sleep on what I've written in case I was just writing nonsense at 3 am and want to change my mind. But I will post them.
I am going proceed to post said entries as I finish them. And it will be fun to see what craziness was going on in my head two weeks ago. :)

But today.... I am a mess. I admit it! I am on am emotional roller coaster today, due to lack of sleep, girl stuff, confusion, and this relentless feeling, like being stuck in quick sand, is bearing down on me. I have this amazing coworker, who sometimes feels like my little silent cheerleader. She has this way of looking at a situation and finding the perfection and beauty and hope in it and making things seem possible and okay. She pointed out to me that sometimes it takes feeling this way to get oneself  to move. I am feeling like this because I am not where I am supposed to be, and it's a good thing to feel this way because otherwise I wouldn't do anything about it. I would just be complacent and not do anything to put myself where I am meant to be. She asked me if I could do anything and time and money was not an object what would it be....
I'd go back to school. so I'm going back to school.
I've been obsessing about it  for a few weeks (because that's what I do). Should I do it? Should I not? should I stick with the photography thing? Should I take the raise at my job and work more hours, and stay there? But if money and time were not an issue I would go to school and get a "real" job. No more waiting around for something to happen and for everything to fit perfectly before I take a step.  I just have to take a step or I may drown in sand.

So... I was just thinking about kissing and... dating.... hahah! This is going to be a good one.

Anyways, kissing can be really nice. :)  But also kind of scary.  I'm not talking about the scary, where you might miss and accidentally collide faces or something ultra awkward like that...  (although that is a real fear of mine)

Let me illustrate: ugh! okay basically...  I've gone on some dates with a few guys. They have all been good guys and dates and fun and what not. But I fear I am not ready to date any one of them exclusively (for reasons I am not completely clear on because there may be a few....).  I was wondering, how long can I not kiss someone, for fear that if they catch me at a weak moment and do kiss me, sealing my fate. If I kiss a guy does that automatically mean that I can't date anyone else or does that mean that I just can't kiss anyone else? Or does it just mean that I wanted to let that guy kiss me and so I did?  I don't want to be a lip slut but these lips are just too good to let go to waste. hahaha! kidding!  I am definitely not a lip slut, probably to the extreme...

I know I could just do the "turn your head" move so he kisses my cheek or something like that to avoid said kiss..... It can be tricky to know what to do when you are put in a situation where you're thinking, "I think this person might try to kiss me, and I like him and I might just kiss him back if he tries." That feeling can be completely separate from that other feeling where you think, "I really like this person. I only want to date him and no one else". Anyways I was reminded of a video someone showed me when I was first dating after my divorce. I was all sorts of confused about how to handle the craziness of dating and my friend showed me this video. It sort of fits, minus the part where they are talking about the contract being something else, completely different from the commitment I speak of here. hehehe

Am I right? Or am I right!

Or am I wrong.....?

So this blog started out as my own dirty, secret blog that I would write from the darkest parts of my demented, messed up head and the depths of my hardened, black heart.

But I'm not very good at keeping secrets about myself for too long and I guess I honestly never intended it to never be read. I just didn't think it would happen so soon. Anyways, I digress.... And I know a few people read it. It is on the "interwebs" after all!  So I am just going to proceed writing as I normally do; freely, without any thought of the fact that there may be and probably is a different and healthier way of viewing things, knowing that I am a multifaceted person, that more often than not has several conflicting feelings and thoughts all in the same given moment, and that tomorrow I may feel completely different. I am a girl after all! And I reserve the right to change my mind whenever I want.:) These are just the ramblings from my heart as they are.I am taking this new voice that I have worked so hard to uncover and I am running with it. :) Enjoy. Or don't...

Someone told me today that I should not worry about dating guys who are younger than me. Apparently Joe Schmoe, who is 22, is dating some girl that is 30. So go out with that 23 year old guy this weekend. And go out with him, I will, thank you very much!  I am not completely closed off to the whole idea but I admit I am a teensy bit skeptical...

It's hard to believe that I (who has fallen in love, been married, gone to and finished college, put my husband through college, was the poor newly wedded couple struggling to "make ends meet", experienced the heart break that comes with betrayal of a husband, become an instant mom to a three year old, is raising someone elses child with all their baggage, been divorced, experienced the disappointment of losing the future you spent the last 5 years creating and is failing miserably in the world of dating) will be able to have as much connection with a 22 or 23 year old (who, since high school, has been on a mission and two years of college).

I'm not saying that age is that big of a deal. It's just, honestly, easier to relate with someone who has experienced some of the things life throws at you.

Oh and the previously mentioned 23 year old sent me a text tonight to inform me that he did look me up on facebook and realized I am older than him and wanted to let me know that he is only 23. I left it up to him if he still wanted to go out. And I haven't heard back from him yet.....

Sydney asked if she could take her book to school today.... Imagine my surprise and the secret victory dance that was going on in my head.

Reading has been a constant struggle with Sydney. She has always hated reading. It was a huge feat when reading time went from pure torture with bribery, fighting and crying to something she tolerates. But when she asked if she could keep one of the books from the library longer, and then started reading on her own in the car and now wanting to take it to school... I could hardly contain myself! I tried to conceal my excitement this morning so as not to cause her to change her mind.

So I did the happy dance in my head and reveled in the moment on my own.

I'm not sure of the original source of this image but someone posted it on facebook and I love it! And it's true!
I know I'm not any more super awesome than anyone else, but I do feel like I keep getting more awesome than I was when I was 21 or even 25. Or maybe it's just that I have more confidence in who I am and I have learned so much.

Maybe it's just taking me twice as long to catch up to everyone else who is getting married or pregnant. I'm a slow learner....

This one is short and sweet and simple, really. And it's really not that hard, for hell's sake!

Pick up the phone and call a girl to ask her out. Don't just send a text. I'm not quite sure why guys ask girls out over text.... Also nothing says "you are not worth the effort" like texting that same day asking to hang out that night.  It's like I have nothing better to do than to sit by my phone hoping they will text and ask if I wanna do something in an hour?! And then they act all bent out of shape because I'm not going to drop everything to hang out that night.

It's not like I have some super exciting or extensive social life. But I find ways to fill my time so if a guy really wants to spend time with me then be a man, plan the date and call in advance. Or call and then plan the date. whatever. just call and plan.


Like I said my life isn't super exciting. I guess I am a little annoyed by guys acting like I'm the jerk because I can't drop everything at the last minute or I already have plans on the night they want to go out. And a little advanced notice via a phone call would make me feel like they even put any thought into asking me out.

Ah Halloween, my favorite holiday. Really. It really is. This year was kind of different. My ex husband offered to take sydney trick or treating. At first I was really bummed and didn't want to miss out on trick or treating with her. But I asked her and she said she wanted to go with him and her brothers.... So I was on my own. Being the super cool rocking chic that I am, I got all dressed up and headed to my old bishop's house. hahahahah! Didn't I just say I'm cool?! I am! I hung out with three guys from my old ward, two of which harass me like I'm the little sister they never had. On with my super amazing night.... I decided to continue the Partay at.... wait for it.... a stake dance. hahahah!

I just thought I'd share my response to the question "how was the dance?" asked by a friend on chat today. Pretty much sums up my night.

"the dance was okay.... really packed. i dunno what part are you asking about? the music was okay... when I was there there were too many songs that weren't good for dancing, like they were playing them for a dance competition, which was way too long. As far as who was there.... saw kelly and amber. i miss them. it was weird that our group of friends weren't all there to dance together. they were all over in smaller groups.... if that makes sense. so i mostly floated and danced with different people. and as far as new people I didn't know.... i got hit on by a new RM who was actually cute until I found out how old he was (21). and two guys who looked like they were too old to be there and were acting like players with all their smooth lines, but flirting with every girl there. And then I danced with a short 25 year old with an afro and a nasty mustache and a guy in a wheelchair."

Needless to say the dance wasn't super great but I loved being able to get out on the floor and just dance.

*RM meaning a "returned Missionary" usually referring to the newly returned. And in this case he had just gotten home a month ago.

I broke down and started taking all of my sweaters out of storage for the winter. :( meh!

And I saw a few pairs of my "smaller" pants that don't fit me anymore. I always throw out my larger size pants because when I lose weight I always tell myself, "I will never let myself gain weight again!" But of course I do save my smaller pants! I'm just like that girl who buys clothes a size too small because "I'm going to fit into them someday." hahah! Anyways I thought well I think I've lost some weight maybe some of the bigger ones will fit so I tried them on. Believe it or not two of them actually fit! I was so stinkin' excited. Granted they are only a size ten..... hahahaha! But for a little bit there my bigger pants were pretty tight. As in butt tight! I feared I would have to go shopping for new pants, which I dread.

The point of all this is I actually feel pretty good about my size right now. Not that I don't still have pudgy knees and "rugby calves" (as described by one of my brother's friends in high school) and my boobs have given into gravity.  But I feel healthy. I have come to accept that I will never be a size 6. It's just not in me and that is not who I am. Even when I was in the best shape of my life and working out a ton, getting down to a size 8 was impossible. I also have embraced my curves. I have a ghetto booty and it's not going away. I am curvatious, and I'm pretty sure there are at least a handful of guys out there who will not equate that with being "fat." And if there aren't.... well then.... that's just too bad because I will always have this butt! And that is okay, and fine and good.

In life, as in art, the beautiful moves in curves."

Edward G Bulwer-Lytton

"Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.
Mae West

Take all the time you need

In response to my last post I wanted to share this. I'm not sure where it came from as someone emailed it to me. But I like it.

Also in my search for how to mourn so I can get on with it and move on I found this site with some pretty awesome meditations. I've never really meditated before but I tried a few and I really like it. There is a list of a bunch of different ones and apparently meditation doesn't have to be as hard as I thought. Ya just sit there and listen....easy peasy!

 http://www.meditationoasis.com/podcast/listen-to-podcast/

I am so impatient with myself.

I have been feeling so down about the loss of a relationship and person that I thought would be there forever. It's been three and half weeks. And although I feel a lot better  I still have moments of sadness, emptiness, anger, feelings of rejection, betrayal and hopelessness. I know I seem a little melodramatic. It's not like someone died.... But it was pointed out to me that we have to mourn any loss  and I just have to allow myself  feel it, to go through it, and work through it. My response, "how do I work through it?" hahaha! And then I googled how to grieve. hahah! Okay fine! I'll mourn and feel bad and all that, but how do I do it so I can get it over with it, get back to feeling happy again and move on?

I went on a date today... seems nice enough... decent...

Can I just say there is something that is so attractive about a man who is decisive? Just sayin!
If you ask me out on a date then at least have something you'd like to do in mind, for hell sake! Don't ask me where I want to eat and then what we should do after. It's not like it has to be anything spectacular or expensive or even especially creative, although if it seems like you did put some thought into it then you get bonus points... Just do something! Take some initiative.... Be a man!

Why:
1)It's just so hard to make those kind of decisions, as a girl, when he is paying for the date. (I know in today's day and age I shouldn't assume a guy is paying... well that's for a later post.)

2)Also, if you ask a girl out and you have something in mind it shows you actually thought about the date before you showed up and that helps make you feel important.

3)And lastly, It's just so much more attractive to be assertive than to be indecisive and expect the girl to step up and make all the decisions. It makes a girl (okay I'm not going to speak for all girls) It makes me wonder if that's how you are with other things in your life.  A real man is assertive, knows what he wants and makes it happen.

How:
1)If you are unsure of what to do, options are good. Give some options for her to choose from.
2)Still can't think of anything?  choose something that she likes to do
3)when in doubt Keep It Simple Stupid. Dinner is still a great date!

Maybe I should start a running list of how to be a man. yep! It's decided. See the categories to the right for my ongoing list.
.

Since this is kind of more my pessimistic blog where I piss and moan about dating and talk about all the weird idiosyncrasies of my messed up life and the darkest parts of my black heart, I decided to share this article here.

Luckily I have super understanding friends, even when I am a little neglectful. And they are very good about being patient with me and calling me when they want to talk. 


But I have run into this with dating. Not that the guys I dated, where this was a problem, did not try to understand but I really had a hard time verbalizing why there were days where I just wanted time to be alone or didn't call right when I got a free moment.

I'm reading the "Tao of Dating" yeah when I go through something such as a breakup I tend to try my hardest to learn as much as I can from it so I don't have to experience it again. I am all about learning, growing and moving forward. Also maybe a part of me doesn't like how it feels (depression, emptiness, rejection, missing someone, disappointment, etc) so I try to find other ways to occupy my mind, through reading self help books.
Oh how I love me some self improvement books!

From today's reading: it may sound hokey but whatever!
To be a goddess is to embody beauty, love, radiance, grace.
and I am reminded of a training I attended a few years ago as I was going through the hardest time of my marriage, I was able to connect with my inner goddess of truth and beauty.

And a quote by Marianne Williamson, that I used to not like so much, but I get it. Now I get it and I love it!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

There is this saying in the LDS  church that many people say to "bring comfort" to those sisters in the church that are single.

I've heard it a few times from church leaders, bishops, stake presidents as a promise that "you will be a wife and/or mother, if not in this life then in the next life", as in after we die, in heaven.....

I get the good intentions behind this phrase but honestly it doesn't bring comfort at all!

It just confirms your fears that you will not fall in love with someone, get married and have that family together on this earth... what it does do is make me think that that dream and my heart's desire is not in the cards for me and is just plain depressing.

I received a priesthood blessing a week ago, because I was having a hard time with a breakup with someone that I had prayed about and thought I was really going to marry. Anyways, I asked for a priesthood blessing to hopefully calm my sad heart. And in the blessing he said, "you will be a mother, if not in this life then in the next life" Needless to say this did not calm my weary heart.

I have been feeling so down lately. so here is my list of gratitude. I know my life is pretty awesome and the trials I am going through right now don't matter when you think about it. It won't even matter in a year from now.

I have my health (I am not suffering from cancer, or chronic pain)

I have a sweet wonderful little girl in my life that I get to call my daughter. She tries to cheer me up when I'm sad and brings me breakfast in bed, and she keeps me busy so I am not left alone with my thoughts.

I have awesome sisters who call to make sure i'm okay, to talk and listen and they hang out with me.

I have a wonderful mom who takes me to lunch when I'm down and helps me sew a skirt.

I have a cute niece who goes to the movies with me and brightens my day with her outgoing, crazy personality.

I have learned some amazing lessons: Only date guys who have been divorced at least a year. I learned how so very important communication is to me. I learned there are normal decent guys out there that I will like and are a perfect fit for me. I am just not as picky as I feared. I have learned that I am worthy of the kind of guy and relationship I want. (I have doubted that at times)

I am grateful for the fact that I can be and am so open and honest in my relationships. I create a space for open communication.

I have tools to assist me in clearing negative energy and fear, and in creating what I want.

I am single and have the opportunity to create the relationship I want.

I am so blessed to have other amazing things going on in my life: photography business, a job that is stable, working out and doing P90x, amazing family and friends, my church calling and ways to meet other people.

"A woman in love can't be reasonable - or else she wouldn't be in love."
Mae West

"Don't cry for a man who's left you - the next one may fall for your smile"
Mae West

"If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

It's scary but that is what I've decided. I already screwed everything up. I try so hard to make dating me easy because I know how hard it can be to date me, with a kid, and working and starting a photography business and my church calling, and family, and trying to take care of my body (starting p90x next week... eek!). Also I have this fear that if I am not easy to date they will leave. so.... I train guys not to pursue me.....bleh! But I have to remind myself that I am worth it and I deserve to be with someone that feels I am worth it.

well I'm letting go, because I can't act like I don't care anymore.

Tonight Syd (my eight year old daughter) asked me "what do you do if you like someone?"

Poor girl. If I knew that maybe i'd be married by now. I'm still trying to figure that all out.

"Early love is when you love the way the other person makes you feel. Mature love is when you love the person as he or she is. It is the difference between passionate and compassionate love"

Time Magazine "What is Love"

We've all heard of "man code" including such things listed on askmen.com.
But is there "woman code"? there should be!
K I did find one online here and on a couple facebook pages.

I think we really need one and #1 on the list is you don't try to steal another woman's man.
If you know a man you are interested in has a girlfriend then back the eff down. It's just really sleazy if you are throwing yourself at someone who has made it clear they already have a girlfriend. It is okay to wait and see how things go with said girlfriend and be available once they do breakup but don't try to get him to break up with his girlfriend for you. (that is if you do not know the girlfriend. If you do know the girlfriend, move on and find a new man to chase)

since my last post I had an ah ha moment.
I love when that happens!

I was reminded of a lesson I learned a few years ago. and well.... got to learn it again. oh joy! Learning is like an onion. there are layers and when you have learned a lesson sometimes you get to learn it again... and sometimes again. until you've peeled back all of the layers to truth and light.

a few years ago someone showed me that I have been putting myself in the "bargain basement" and have not owned my worth. (literally they called me "bargain basement," the label that I had subconsciously given myself) And recently Almost four years ago I pulled myself out of the discount box and dusted myself off and put myself back on the shelf with all the other worthy and valuable girls. I recently realized that I had jumped off the shelf and back into the discount box and rolled my self back down those stairs into the "bargain basement." And I don't belong there. That is the big lesson.

It sounds like I am speaking in code. hahahaha! here it is, totally open and honest.

I tend to think that that "happily ever after" is for those "other" girls, the ones that actually get to live happily ever after. I have created a pattern where I think I have to settle for a less when it comes to dating or wake one day to realize I am the other person's 3rd priority. why? because I gave them the message that that's where I belong. Why? because that is where I hold myself. Why? Because I have had this belief that is so deeply rooted within me that I don't deserve something more, that I am not valuable, and that I am not worthy of that great and amazing guy, and that I do not deserve that happily ever after.

But I am. I am worthy, and valuable and lovable. And I do deserve that great amazing guy and I am amazing to have that amazing guy.

And so it is!

A wise man (my older brother) once said, "it's better to be the person that is less interested in or less into the other person than the other person is into you" or something like that. Basically if you're less into the other person you have all the control.

A wise woman (I'm not sure who. it could have been my friend, Kristina or my sister, because they are both very wise) once said, "in every relationship there are times where one will be more into the other but it all balances out because you take turns being the less interested and more interested one" well that's my version of it.

Another wise woman once said, "a marriage/relationship is not 50/50. It's 100/100. Each person has to give 100%." that was me but I learned that from several people while going through the hardest year of my marriage so I can't take full credit for it. Both people have to give 100% for it to be successful and fulfilling relationship. I struggled with this in my marriage because if I'm giving 100% and the other person is giving 30% then I start to lose the drive to give 100%. Apparently "the highest vibration will be honored" and by living fully and loving freely and giving 100% you will inspire others to give and love fully too..... however there is the possibility that they will choose not to be inspired.... and that is where the other person will step up.... or the relationship will "dissolve".

okay and one last thought: according to Alisa Goodwin Snell, "Utah's dating coach" and author of "Dating game secrets for marrying a good man"(yeah... I read it. Don't judge. Desperate times call for desperate measures and it was actually good), "Men are driven to succeed, face challenges, compete, and conquer... No matter how much a good man may deeply enjoy a woman taking the lead, where there is no challenge, there is no conquest, and he is likely to become bored and start looking for something better within three weeks (because things that seem more challenging seem more rewarding)." she also says, being too available "turns men off because things that are more challenging seem more rewarding to men."

so what's the point of this rambling....? I'm just trying to sort things out in my head between giving 100% in a relationship and  allowing the man I am with to step up and be a man and pursue me. I'm trying to figure out how all of that fits together.... because I do believe all of those things.

Does there come a point in a relationship where you stop the chase and accept that you have each other... and you graciously give of yourselves and the love easily and freely? when is that point? why does pulling back my love and the way I choose to express/show my love feel like I'm holding back? And can you really have a fully connected and fulfilling relationship when one or both are holding back?

ways I'm thinking of pulling back:
not text him to say hi everyday
not leave my nights open when I know he has work off
not leave silly notes for him
not give him little gifts like homemade cookies, chocolate from the store, things for his house, etc
not invite him to social things that I am going to
don't always be available that evening if he calls at the last minute ( find stuff that i "have" to do)

and I'm justifying it by saying that it takes more work for me to hold back and thus that is me giving my 100% and I'm allowing him to step up and take the lead like a man. and as scary as it is.... accept that if he doesn't step up and lean in and it "dissolves" then it wasn't the relationship for me.

we get so many stray cats at my work. Ever since we rescued one and then took in two more, people are always bringing strays in asking if we want one. I'm sure it's because we have so many animal lovers here that we do always find a home for them.Today we actually found two baby kittens out in our bushes.

I've already taken home one kitten that the office manager brought in two months ago, I did consider, for about two seconds, taking one of these.

I am sure if I ever move out and don't get married I will proudly accept the role of the crazy cat lady. Walk around in a house coat and slippers all day taking care of my 8 cats, finally to get dressed around 5:00 pm and put them on a leash and walk them around the neighborhood in my curlers. I will probably take up smoking too, because that's what cat ladies do.

*FMFL

Being 29 in a singles ward makes you feel pretty old, with all the 19 year olds graduating from high school checking out the singles ward.... The new ward is not helping much. Turns out the majority of the time when I meet someone they turn out to be the youngest sister or brother of someone I went to high school with. (now that the wards are organized purely geographically)

Truth be told, my naive, silly self honestly thought that switching the ward boundaries would yield more of the "older population" (25-30) because I wouldn't be going to a "student ward"anymore. silly silly silly....

If being 29  in a Utah singles ward doesn't make you feel old enough as it is.....
Imagine how old I felt when a familiar face walked into sacrament meeting... the face of a boy I used to babysit when I was in Jr high school. I used to walk to their house everyday after school and watch him and his older sister. He used to wrap himself around my leg so I had to drag him around to get anywhere and I vaguely remember bossing him around to do things like do his homework, feed the dogs etc....

apparently he had just gotten off his mission. I have to admit that made me feel older than the new high school grads.

He actually asked a mutual acquaintance about me and said I was cute. It doesn't really make me feel any younger but maybe just a tiny bit less undesirable.



*eff my effing life

I think I'm starting to understand a small part of how guys operate (in one situation that is)....

When they still email, text, call, instant message you after you've stated your intentions of not dating them, they are possibly thinking there is still chance that you will become interested. They play the part of "friend" until you tell them you have met someone and you have become that someone's girlfriend then you never hear from them again. They no longer ask how your weekend was and no longer try to tell you about their new job, vacation or their brother's new baby.

I suspect it's because they finally believe me when I say I'm not interested or they realize that I am not going to become interested in time and that I am in fact dating other people. I'm not terribly heart broken over it, just find it curious and a little funny.

eeek! It's been so long. I guess I haven't had a lot to complain about and that's what I usually do here..... hahahaha!

Maybe the other reason I haven't posted recently is because I started dating someone (same guy I mentioned here and here, and prompted this post.) and he found out about this blog! So I don't know how to write when I know others are reading it! oh well. I guess I can still be totally honest until I don't like him anymore and am fretting about ending it... Kidding!

My only thoughts right now are, maybe it is possible....
Possible to meet someone that seems so perfect, possible to like someone enough to want to spend all my time with them, possible to meet someone that accepts me the way I am, possible to meet someone that I feel so comfortable and safe with, possible to feel peace about being with one person.

All things that I always thought were impossible. So many times in dating I've thought, "what am I willing to over look?" Like I had to make a choice between someone who loves and accepts me, or someone who is lds and has integrity and the same values. Never did I think it was possible to have both at the same time...

And there is another part of me, perhaps my ego where my fears live, that is afraid that it will end. Because I know others have felt this way about me and I didn't reciprocate. I feel so at peace with this person and this relationship. Why do I allow myself to doubt that I deserve it, that I could be so lucky?

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Let's be friends..... Can we still be friends....
we've all heard or said it in a break up. breaking up is so hard and the idea of never seeing or talking to that person again at the time seems unbearable.

But I'm not completely convinced this is always such a good idea.... It seems like it would be okay at the time but it always seems to back fire. And it begs the question, how much do I owe an ex? I mean if we are broken up and are no longer together should I feel obligated to tell them when they call and I'm on a date, that I was on a date...? Am I obligated to hang out with them if I don't want to? And when I am dating someone else do I have to tell the ex?

I personally don't think I am obligated to but when it does come out they act all  upset that I didn't tell them.  What am I supposed to do just be like, "guess what I am dating someone?!" out of the blue? I don't even do that with my family or friends!  That just makes me feel like I'm trying to rub it in if I announce it to an ex like it's some kind of job promotion.

It's not like it comes up in conversation often.... "so are you dating anyone?" There is never a good time to tell an ex. So.... I just procrastinate it...... waiting for that "so are you dating anyone?" and it never comes. And I procrastinate it longer until I just break down. so as not to get chewed out later for not saying something sooner, I tell them out of the blue. Awkward.....

Happy kissing day!

Just wanted to post some of the best movie kisses. (IMO)
I couldn't find video of Sixteen Candles, Pride and Prejudice. Go watch em!

I freaking love this show and this part where Romeo and Juliet first meet. It's kind of long but I couldn't find a different one that showed where they meet and the kiss on the elevator. And you have to watch both of those parts. It's all about the buildup anyways.... and the song is pretty perfect too. 

Forgive me..... but this kiss is hot.

I just wish it didn't have the lame part where he flies through the air.... and the part where he's a total creeper who sneaks into girls rooms to watch them sleep.... hahahah!

I used to have the biggest crush on Ethan Embry. Perfect and sweet first kiss from Can't Hardly Wait. I love everything about this kiss and this scene and the whole show. hahaha! Again, amazing song.

Imagine me as a silly high school girl, watching this, dreaming of my first kiss.... Yup! I'm a nerd....

Another lesson in letting go of expectation, control and that "I NEED this and I'll die without it" attitude....

shortly after I deleted my ldssingles.com account (my own way of saying "I'm done with online dating!") and some lamenting about my most current dating frustrations, I got an email from match.com. Here's a little history: a long time ago I created a profile on match hoping I would have a different experience with that site. But I never paid for an active account and so I couldn't receive email from other members, just emails from match.com tempting me to actually pay so I could see said emails from other members. I was never ready to commit because it didn't seem like it would be that different. I digress, I got an email from match, "see today's matches" and I opened it, saw a photos of a guy who, according to match, was a perfect match for me..... so I clicked on his profile. And he did seem like a perfect match, and cute except the one sentence at the beginning that said he was taking a break from the website and was seeing someone.....

Boo! well I decided to just send him a "wink" as that is all I could do because I am too cheap to be able to do anything else. hahhahah! love how complicated I make my life because of my cheapness! Hoping maybe in three months or so he would break up with that other girl and check his account, I hit send. It was a long shot in the dark and seemed pretty unlikely so maybe that's why I didn't ever expect to ever  hear from him and never thought much of it after that. I'm not sure what I ever expected to happen in three months when he broke up with that other girl.... It's not like I could open an email if he ever sent me one. Unless he just so happened to look me up.... which he did! on facebook! and he sent me an email.

I didn't send him the wink and fret over whether he would see my pic, or see that I have a kid, or that I am divorced and be repulsed by me. I just did it, thinking that would be so cool since we seem to have a lot in common, and I let it go. I let go of the expectation and worry, and I need this attitude.

side note: he was no longer seeing that girl but hadn't updated his profile because he didn't renew his subscription when it ended. I had to make sure when I first talked to him because it goes against my own integrity to do that to someone else.

funny how when you want something crazy bad and you might just die if it doesn't happen so you try super hard and it doesn't work out.
a little lesson in letting go of expectation, control and that "I NEED this and I'll die without it" attitude.

I just got home from my food photo conference and towards the end I was so antsy to get home. my plane was scheduled to leave at 2:00 pm.  I was missing sydney like crazy. I wanted to get home earlier so I wouldn't have to spend my entire day flying. I wanted to go to visitor night at girls camp so I could see my old friends on the stake camp board.

So, I tried to get on an earlier flight. looked into standby but turns out I was too cheap to pay to have it changed. Apparently if you fly stand by, you have to take the same route to only have to pay $75. Otherwise you would have to "change" your flight for $150. hmmmm how much is getting home early worth... I seriously considered this. But alas decided not to sink anymore money into this over priced trip.

So I opted for my original time, 2:00pm, just to find out as I was entering the airport that my flight was cancelled. I ended up hanging out at the airport for 3 hours for my next flight. luckily it was a direct flight and only got into salt lake 45 minutes later than my original arrival time. So much for getting home any earlier.
Phew that was a close one! Although I loved Boston I am so glad I didn't have to spend another night there. I just wanted to get home so bad!

Sydney has, quite honestly, been getting on my nerves. lately she has had the worst attitude. as my mom would say, she needs an "attitude adjustment." But mostly she has just been acting very spoiled and ungrateful. which made me think I have been pretty ungrateful lately...

this is my list of gratitude for divorce. this is not to say divorce is so amazing and everyone should go out and get one but I have been so blessed since my divorce and when I think about the trials that come with being single and dating they seem miniscule to the trials I experienced in my marriage.

I am grateful I get  to go to the International Conference on food styling and photography
that I can use my money how i want
doing what I want with my evenings
being in relationship with honest people
I have a second chance to create the relationship I want
I know what I want
kissing
doing spontaneous things
I have learned a lot about myself and what I want
I have learned to love and accept myself
I learned a lot about marriage, divorce and relationships
Spending more time with my family
I get this amazing opportunity to pursue my photography dreams
Sydney still gets to be in my life
I have learned a lot about being a good mom
I get to spend more time with sydney
I get to be in relationship with people who love and accept me for who I am

It's hard not to get your hopes up.... When something great comes up or an amazing opportunity is placed before me, I can't help but get excited.  I know better than to get my hopes up. Then I won't be so disappointed if it doesn't work out.... but shouldn't I be optimistic? And I do love that excited feeling.
I met someone... that seems pretty great.

I have been enlightened on the subject of clingy guys that I referred to in a previous post.
Someone explained to me that when a guy has a purpose and direction and a lot he is working toward in life then girls are clingy but when a guy doesn't and has a lot of free time on his hands he's the clingy one.
I would say that is pretty accurate, however there is one more factor that I have recently considered, the level of "like like" (as Sydney calls it).  Someone can come across as clingy when the other (the receiver of said clingy behavior) is not as interested as the clinger. But there is a line that has to be drawn. There are some things that are not okay, no matter how much you like the other person.

You know you are a clinger if after the first date or two:

- you text right after the date, then first thing next morning, and all day until your eyes shut ("blowing up their phone" with text messages) one text will suffice to let them know you had a good time.

- you ask for a play by play of the receiver's day and what they are doing every night after that

- when the receiver is vague about his or her plans friday night and you ask "what are you doing, who are you going with, where are you going, etc?" (they were vague for a reason)

- you give the receiver a  play by play of your day in full detail without even being asked.

- you try to occupy every night of the receivers week.

- you call, IM, and text message them constantly.

- you start talking cutesy too soon, calling them pet names like babe and hun, and saying things like "I wish you were here cuddling with me right now"

- you constantly write on their facebook wall and comment on all of their photos and posts

i did not take this photo

There is an art to managing expectations in dating. Yesterday at church someone was asking me about a recent date I went on and why I am not going out with the guy that night. My response, "I can't go out with him tonight! I went out with him last night! That is way too soon!" not that I am trying to play some kind of dating game, but I am merely managing expectations. Regardless if I like the guy and really do want to see him the next day, if I go out with him too soon he will start to expect me to hang out with him more and more often. I would be setting a precedent that I cannot keep up with. Likewise, if we talk on the phone after work for three days in a row just because I like talking to him, then when I can't do it every day we have a problem on our hands. I hate having to force myself to pull back but I can't keep up forever....

Gone are the days when a date was just that, a date, when a guy would pick you up around 6 and take you to dinner and a movie and you were were home by 11:30 or 12.

I feel like I'm back in high school where when you went to a dance with someone they made it into an all day event: starting with breakfast, a day activity, then you had that 2 hour break to go home change get ready for the actual dance, next dinner, 3 hours at the dance and then the after activity at someone's house. I like to call this marathon dating.

marathon dating: when a guy turns a date into an all day event by trying to start the date early when setting up the plans of the date or by dragging it out into the late hours of the night.

Okay that was my clean, mormon definition but here is Urban Dictionaries definition of marathon dating:
a date that lasts longer than normal, maybe 2 or 3 days... Usually involving a lot of long lasting tantra sex.

eg: when you are discussing the plans for dinner and a hike he mentions he wants to take you fishing before too... I think that date was like 10 hours and that's without the fishing. How many things can we cram into one date?

eg: when going out for ice cream on his motorcycle turns into a 6 hour drive. In an attempt to keep it short by starting at 8:30, he just drags it out all night.

How do you say "I want to go home now" without sounding rude? I haven't mastered the art of ending a date yet. But I thought "I'm freezing to death" or "I'm am so stinkin tired and should get to bed" on the both occasions would be enough for a guy to think "maybe I should get this girl home". apparently not....

image from http://www.10dailythings.com/tag/marathon/

They say, "just be yourself and the right guy will come along and like you for who you are." or  "Just be yourself and if that's not what they're looking for then you probably wouldn't want to be with them anyway."

Well sometimes being myself seems like a recipe for disaster... (that is if I can ever actually be myself around I guy that I like. I usually get all shy and can't even think of anything to do or say.) Anyways, if I "just be myself" in hopes of someone actually liking who me being myself is, and that it would essentially weed out the rest who aren't interested, then there won't be anyone left. As in there won't be anyone left to like me.... (granted maybe there will be one or two but people tend to forget that a very selfish part of me wants to actually like them back....)
I love this clip from the movie, "He's just not that into you." If I was a movie character this is who I would be. not by choice but just because when it comes to dating this is exactly how I am.

Grrr. I can't get the video to post. so here is a link

K. I get that this blog has kind of turned into more of a dating blog with other random stuff peppered throughout. A blog where I piss and moan about my pathetic dating life... But wahtevs. It's my blog and I can write about what I want. Besides, no one reads it anyways! But it is funny how I write like there is an actual audience. hahahah! It just feels good to get all of my messed up thoughts out of my head and then I can forget about it. Apparently I have a lot of thoughts on dating and relationships.

So I recently changed wards. If you are at all familiar with the goings on of the LDS church you may have heard of the reorganization of the young single adult wards and student wards. Basically they did away with the student wards and stakes, of which I was a member, and combined them with the young single adult wards.

From what it sounds like they anticipate some major missionary work within the newly organized young single adult wards. I actually like my new ward and change is always good when it affects your dating pool. Although, it doesn't seem to be doing much for my dating life as of yet.

Is it bad to think that maybe with the missionary work that they anticipate, there might be some guy who is less active or inactive that might start coming back to church and then might be a tad more open minded about my situation (being a divorced, old lady with a kid)?

I know I shouldn't hope for such things with my new resolve to only date guys who are active and lds and stuff, but I just wonder if they might be more open minded than the typical guys I find at church who have a pretty clear idea of what they want which does not include a divorced woman with an 8 year old.

Not that I want to date someone who is inactive, but I haven't seen any other prospects in my new ward yet. (it's only been like two months in the new ward.. probably less. hahah) I was just thinking if some guy started going to church before I met him and he was already making the effort for himself, maybe I won't worry so much about if he is doing it for me or if his efforts are sincere like I do with guys I meet outside of church who are less active and start going after they meet me. Oh and the whole part about them being open minded to dating someone with a kid and who is divorced.... would be really nice. :)

blehhh! that's a lot of rambling and I don't even know if any of it makes any sense!

just a thought...

Oh! Red Lobster guy sent me a text the other day... He wanted to go to a movie. a movie I have been wanting to see oh so badly. I didn't go. I was sure he had a girlfriend.... He confirmed. she lives in moab and he just wanted someone to go to a movie with. hmmmm....

I like my boobs for the most part, granted they aren't as perky as they once were. i think they are decent size and stuff. Of course in my opinion I think they could stand to be a little bigger, others don't seem to agree but it would be nice just to balance out my curves and make my body a little more proportionate. well I had this dream.... you know how dreams are...pretty random so this is all i remember.

I was hanging out with a bunch of friends and there was this girl who was probably at least younger than 18 and she had really nice boobs... well they were bigger and perkier than mine, from what I could tell at least. anyways! We decided to trade. She wanted smaller boobs and I wanted bigger perkier boobs. Yeah we traded boobs... hahah! it's a dream! okay!? it can be whatever my messed up brain chooses! It must have been super easy to trade breasts because all I remember was having new boobs and thinking yeah these are perfect. Well needless to say at that exact moment I realized they were fake not that she gave me fake boobs. well I guess she did... she had had a breast implants and I was really disappointed to find out that they weren't real and felt a little jipped. Apparently I would rather have my regular 30 year old (there I go again saying I'm older than I am) correction, my 29 year old boobs that are slightly imperfect but perfect for me.

Once in a while I get the opportunity to date guys who have been married before and are now divorced. There are a few things that can be huge turn offs in dating these guys. (not all but some do these things and it just makes them seem so unattractive)

- Guys that bash on their ex's. I get that you don't like each other all the time but there comes a point when you have to grow up, forgive and move on.

- When they don't take accountability for their part in a relationship/marriage or an ongoing argument with the ex.

- Guys who say they have no idea what happened, just one day she said she wanted a divorce. Really?! You were that oblivious in your relationship? And I should want to date you why?

- Still can't seem to manage a "working" relationship with the ex (ie: calling the cops when the ex is late to drop off the kids, name calling, etc. Drama!)

today is a good day.

I did it! I cancelled my LDSsingles.com online dating profile. And it feels great! I feel so liberated! I am so done with trying to make time and get a babysitter to go out with someone I don't even want to go out with, all in the name of trying to be "open minded." I am making room for other things and other guys. Guys I do want to go out with.

I found two rolls of film that I have been looking for for the past two days. Last night just as I was drifting off to sleep the thought occurred to me "maybe I left it in that camera bag that I rented." So I drove to Pictureline this morning and alas both rolls of film were still there!

This morning I got an email from the International Conference on Food Styling and Photography. They decided to let  10 more people into the friday class that was full. when I registered and found out it was full I was so bummed I had to go out to my car and cry to myself a little. I've been beating myself up for days that I didn't register sooner. I am so stinkin' excited I get to go!

I did not take this photo. photo from http://quick-healthy-recipes.com/Healthy_Woman.aspx

I'm contemplating  deleting my ldssingles.com account. I've had it for so long.... well two years. It hasn't always been "active" but it's a safety net when I'm not getting asked out and I actually do feel like dating. I will periodically activate it for a month or two. But when I say delete I mean for realsies not just not renew it but delete my entire profile, never to return.

I was talking to my bishop the other day and he asked why I am going out with a nonmember guy... yeah red lobster guy. We went out... Once....that is all.  anyways! I had a moment of weakness despite my renewed goal to turn down guys who even remotely give a vibe of not being lds, inactive, social drinkers etc.  I expressed my frustration about not getting asked out by other mormon guys and then I got to thinking that more often than not the guys I meet on ldssingles are usually not as LDS as I'm looking for. Oh and not to mention the occasional 45 or 20 year old or the majority of guys which live out of state.

Then again if I delete my online dating profile, then my only means of meeting any guys is through the singles ward, which has proven to be unsuccessful in terms of dates lately.   Then again so has the online dating...  how else does a 29 year old, single, working, mom meet people?

I love when sydney sleeps. I love waiting until she is asleep and going into her room and kissing her sweet face. the best part is she can't deflect my kisses like she does when she is awake. I can't ever sneak in kisses. even when I go in to kiss her forehead she turns her head downs so I end up kissing her hair. :( But sometimes at bedtime she asks me to come in before I go to bed and hug and kiss her. How can I pass that up? And when she's asleep I always get carried away and kiss all over her face and nuzzle her neck.

I thought girls were the clingy ones.... but apparently guys are. Or at least it feels that way to me. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I have been married and am enjoying my freedom, have a child and so I don't have as much free time, and am keeping myself pretty busy with pursuing photography. I just find it interesting that I go on one date with a guy and he wants to text all day the next day and the following week, try to chat with me every time I'm online and talk on the phone every night. it feels overwhelming when they want to spend every night after together , let alone going out again that same week. I'm not saying this is the case with all guys because if it was maybe I would have met and married the one I want to marry by now if all guys were that way. But when one says he wants to date me after one date i wonder how can he even know?! I find dating to be exhausting at times. Sometimes I don't want to go out on Tuesday and then again on Friday and again on Saturday. Not only that but it's hard to justify finding a babysitter twice when I probably already had to get a babysitter other days that week. I don't mind all those things guys do... They just always move so fast. As if I wasn't a commitment-phobe before, I am even worse now since I've been divorced!  I move extremely slow in dating and relationships and even figuring out how I feel about a guy. The pressure just makes me want to pull on the breaks. Can't we just take it slow and keep it light? I wonder if I will ever want to spend every waking moment with someone... and does the fact that I don't want to mean that I don't like them that much? or does it mean I have commitment issues or that I am not ready for a relationship?

In light of recent events, being asked out by a total hottie that in turn was actually interested in me, later to find out he is not lds, I have been thinking about dating lately. Okay let's call it what it is.  I've been banging my head in frustration.

The majority of guys that ask me out or show any interest are either 1.not lds 2.not active in church or 3.have personal issues they are dealing with (drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc).  Naturally my brain wants to understand in it's entirety why mormon guys don't like me. Not that it would make any difference so I don't know why I want to know so bad. And I'm not talking about any mormon guys because the few mormon guys that do ask me out are usually kinda goobers.... I'm talking about just a normal regular old guy that is lds too.

here is what I've come up with:
-they are more picky than I thought and I'm not skinny enough, namely in the ghetto booty area, or something else along those lines (like my nose is too big or my legs are too white. hahah!)
-I'm not churchy enough. As in I don't aspire to be the next relief society president and despite my efforts we struggle with daily family scripture study, etc.
-I am too old or there are too many other better options, as there are twice as many girls than guys in my singles ward, all under the age of 26
-the fact that I am divorced turns them off
-they don't want to date or marry someone with a kid. (I can't say I don't understand this one, but it does suck because I would hope someone would see some good in my heart and maybe even see it as a positive thing.)

yeah that does seem like a lot of negatives that are against me... haha!

Just sayin' it makes staying committed to dating only lds guys really hard. Normally I would go out with a guy if I like him and in the past have dated a couple guys and later discovered they were inactive or whatever. but I really do want to date someone that is lds, that i like, that likes me back,  that accepts me the way I am, that is patient (a must), we share a connection, doesn't have any addictions, has the same goals as I do in terms of marriage, family and the future. is that so much to ask?! hahahha!

So I decided to get honest with myself about the guys I go out with and find out where they stand on that stuff, so as to avoid getting into a relationship that would lead nowhere, and only date active lds guys. but it has proven to be a little more difficult than I though it would be. apparently I don't appeal to mormon guys...

I will now share a story from my birthday and some thoughts:

I don't really like planning parties for myself so I usually default to going out to dinner. So my parents took me to Red Lobster and I pigged out on crab legs. Yay! That's all I knew I wanted. Of course there are a million things I want but that's all I could think of.

There was a server that was working the table next to us and started talking to us. He seemed pretty nice, really cute (I am a sucker for facial hair I guess) and charming and pretty much perfect and super friendly. :) At one point the thought crossed my mind, "I think he is trying to flirt with me...." It was kind of annoying... I was busy inhaling crab legs!  Because everyone else had finished their meals and were all waiting for me to finish mine, I was trying to eat faster than I already do (which i'm quite sure is impossible). 

Anyways! Back to the flirting..... well my parents were there, so we said goodbye and left...

I went to a Dave Ramsey class that night and on my way home, mustered up the courage to drop off my number to the hostess at the door of Red Lobster. I've never actually done that before but decided "what the heck! It's my birthday and I can do what I want! Besides, I'll never see him again if I was in fact picking up the wrong signals."  It didn't help that she mentioned he gets phone numbers all the time... gahhh! I tried to take my number back but she wouldn't give it to me!

To my surprise, later that night he texts me and then calls and we talk on the phone for three hours. And I like him already. And I think he likes me.... :) It's a miracle! This doesn't happen to me very often! I always say, "it seems like it takes a miracle for two people to actually like each other equally" but I am now quite certain it takes an even bigger miracle for two people to like each other equally and actually be a good match.

let me illustrate for you just a few differences:
I am lds - he is doesn't believe in organized religion
I want kids - he doesn't and can't
I plan to get married in the temple - he doesn't plan on signing any kind of marriage documents
I don't have sex before marriage - he sees it as necessary
I don't drink - he does

still waiting on a huge miracle....

I recently turned 29, a week ago, May 19th to be exact. I have had mixed feelings about turning 29 and haven't really known how to express them. Words aren't really my forte if you haven't noticed.

I started the count down out by saying things like, "I'm turning 29 next month." or "I'll be 29 in one week" any time the subject on age or my birthday came up. You'd think I was a 5 year old anticipating my 6th birthday. Maybe it was to warm myself up to the idea. But really 29 wasn't feeling too bad. I feel the same... hahaha! isn't it funny? when I was younger I thought that i'd magically feel different on my birthday. Like I'd feel older or new. But yeah 29 feels pretty good. I think it is because sometimes I think I might have, sort of, finally figured out who I am, what makes my heart sing and what I want to do with my life.

For some reason birthdays always make me think about marriage.... Maybe because I am so old and I'm not married. hahahah! I wonder if any other single, Mormon girls, over 25 feel that way... Nah! ;)

But I always think about getting married at 21 and how old I thought I was. Now I see how young I was and I didn't know anything about who I was. I think about when I was 25 and just newly divorced and still didn't know who I was even worse than before. I had completely lost myself.

yes. you have to hear this every year. hahahah!

Anyways, the point of all this rambling is I think I am finally starting to feel okay with who I am as person, although I have lapses of doubt and indecisiveness and suspect I always will.

Is there some kind of universal hand signal for "hell no!"

I have this reoccurring experience where some yucky guy tries to hit on me while I sit at a stop light. Today it was a Mexican who waved out of his open window. I usually just do something so they can't see me anymore and I can't see them, like cover my face with the hand closest to them or pull my car forward a few feet and pray for the light to change as I painfully avoid eye contact. But really when I'm just not "in the mood" (as if I'm ever in the mood to be harassed while driving home from work) I just want to display an upward motion of the middle finger....

I was particularly annoyed by the 60+ year man making a kissy face at me as he drove by two days ago. "Are you kidding me?! You're a 60 years old!" I don't have anything against 60 year old's. I think my dad is 60 if not then almost and I love him. I just don't like them coming onto me.

What's that?  I should feel flattered?

Anytime I complain to someone about such incidences they tell me I should feel flattered. what about having a nasty old man coming onto me should make me feel flattered?! It doesn't do anything for my confidence, in fact it has the opposite effect. I'm pretty sure he would take whatever he can get. Give me a hot guy in his 20s or 30s and I'll be flattered. heck! I might even wave back.

This is my personal blog mainly about the part of my life that I do not share on my photo blog. I over think everything and wanted somewhere to express the inner workings of my messed up head and dark heart.
warning: reading this blog may cause any previous positive opinions of me to change.