I broke down and started taking all of my sweaters out of storage for the winter. :( meh!

And I saw a few pairs of my "smaller" pants that don't fit me anymore. I always throw out my larger size pants because when I lose weight I always tell myself, "I will never let myself gain weight again!" But of course I do save my smaller pants! I'm just like that girl who buys clothes a size too small because "I'm going to fit into them someday." hahah! Anyways I thought well I think I've lost some weight maybe some of the bigger ones will fit so I tried them on. Believe it or not two of them actually fit! I was so stinkin' excited. Granted they are only a size ten..... hahahaha! But for a little bit there my bigger pants were pretty tight. As in butt tight! I feared I would have to go shopping for new pants, which I dread.

The point of all this is I actually feel pretty good about my size right now. Not that I don't still have pudgy knees and "rugby calves" (as described by one of my brother's friends in high school) and my boobs have given into gravity.  But I feel healthy. I have come to accept that I will never be a size 6. It's just not in me and that is not who I am. Even when I was in the best shape of my life and working out a ton, getting down to a size 8 was impossible. I also have embraced my curves. I have a ghetto booty and it's not going away. I am curvatious, and I'm pretty sure there are at least a handful of guys out there who will not equate that with being "fat." And if there aren't.... well then.... that's just too bad because I will always have this butt! And that is okay, and fine and good.

In life, as in art, the beautiful moves in curves."

Edward G Bulwer-Lytton

"Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.
Mae West

Take all the time you need

In response to my last post I wanted to share this. I'm not sure where it came from as someone emailed it to me. But I like it.

Also in my search for how to mourn so I can get on with it and move on I found this site with some pretty awesome meditations. I've never really meditated before but I tried a few and I really like it. There is a list of a bunch of different ones and apparently meditation doesn't have to be as hard as I thought. Ya just sit there and listen....easy peasy!

 http://www.meditationoasis.com/podcast/listen-to-podcast/

I am so impatient with myself.

I have been feeling so down about the loss of a relationship and person that I thought would be there forever. It's been three and half weeks. And although I feel a lot better  I still have moments of sadness, emptiness, anger, feelings of rejection, betrayal and hopelessness. I know I seem a little melodramatic. It's not like someone died.... But it was pointed out to me that we have to mourn any loss  and I just have to allow myself  feel it, to go through it, and work through it. My response, "how do I work through it?" hahaha! And then I googled how to grieve. hahah! Okay fine! I'll mourn and feel bad and all that, but how do I do it so I can get it over with it, get back to feeling happy again and move on?

I went on a date today... seems nice enough... decent...

Can I just say there is something that is so attractive about a man who is decisive? Just sayin!
If you ask me out on a date then at least have something you'd like to do in mind, for hell sake! Don't ask me where I want to eat and then what we should do after. It's not like it has to be anything spectacular or expensive or even especially creative, although if it seems like you did put some thought into it then you get bonus points... Just do something! Take some initiative.... Be a man!

Why:
1)It's just so hard to make those kind of decisions, as a girl, when he is paying for the date. (I know in today's day and age I shouldn't assume a guy is paying... well that's for a later post.)

2)Also, if you ask a girl out and you have something in mind it shows you actually thought about the date before you showed up and that helps make you feel important.

3)And lastly, It's just so much more attractive to be assertive than to be indecisive and expect the girl to step up and make all the decisions. It makes a girl (okay I'm not going to speak for all girls) It makes me wonder if that's how you are with other things in your life.  A real man is assertive, knows what he wants and makes it happen.

How:
1)If you are unsure of what to do, options are good. Give some options for her to choose from.
2)Still can't think of anything?  choose something that she likes to do
3)when in doubt Keep It Simple Stupid. Dinner is still a great date!

Maybe I should start a running list of how to be a man. yep! It's decided. See the categories to the right for my ongoing list.
.

Since this is kind of more my pessimistic blog where I piss and moan about dating and talk about all the weird idiosyncrasies of my messed up life and the darkest parts of my black heart, I decided to share this article here.

Luckily I have super understanding friends, even when I am a little neglectful. And they are very good about being patient with me and calling me when they want to talk. 


But I have run into this with dating. Not that the guys I dated, where this was a problem, did not try to understand but I really had a hard time verbalizing why there were days where I just wanted time to be alone or didn't call right when I got a free moment.

I'm reading the "Tao of Dating" yeah when I go through something such as a breakup I tend to try my hardest to learn as much as I can from it so I don't have to experience it again. I am all about learning, growing and moving forward. Also maybe a part of me doesn't like how it feels (depression, emptiness, rejection, missing someone, disappointment, etc) so I try to find other ways to occupy my mind, through reading self help books.
Oh how I love me some self improvement books!

From today's reading: it may sound hokey but whatever!
To be a goddess is to embody beauty, love, radiance, grace.
and I am reminded of a training I attended a few years ago as I was going through the hardest time of my marriage, I was able to connect with my inner goddess of truth and beauty.

And a quote by Marianne Williamson, that I used to not like so much, but I get it. Now I get it and I love it!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

There is this saying in the LDS  church that many people say to "bring comfort" to those sisters in the church that are single.

I've heard it a few times from church leaders, bishops, stake presidents as a promise that "you will be a wife and/or mother, if not in this life then in the next life", as in after we die, in heaven.....

I get the good intentions behind this phrase but honestly it doesn't bring comfort at all!

It just confirms your fears that you will not fall in love with someone, get married and have that family together on this earth... what it does do is make me think that that dream and my heart's desire is not in the cards for me and is just plain depressing.

I received a priesthood blessing a week ago, because I was having a hard time with a breakup with someone that I had prayed about and thought I was really going to marry. Anyways, I asked for a priesthood blessing to hopefully calm my sad heart. And in the blessing he said, "you will be a mother, if not in this life then in the next life" Needless to say this did not calm my weary heart.

I have been feeling so down lately. so here is my list of gratitude. I know my life is pretty awesome and the trials I am going through right now don't matter when you think about it. It won't even matter in a year from now.

I have my health (I am not suffering from cancer, or chronic pain)

I have a sweet wonderful little girl in my life that I get to call my daughter. She tries to cheer me up when I'm sad and brings me breakfast in bed, and she keeps me busy so I am not left alone with my thoughts.

I have awesome sisters who call to make sure i'm okay, to talk and listen and they hang out with me.

I have a wonderful mom who takes me to lunch when I'm down and helps me sew a skirt.

I have a cute niece who goes to the movies with me and brightens my day with her outgoing, crazy personality.

I have learned some amazing lessons: Only date guys who have been divorced at least a year. I learned how so very important communication is to me. I learned there are normal decent guys out there that I will like and are a perfect fit for me. I am just not as picky as I feared. I have learned that I am worthy of the kind of guy and relationship I want. (I have doubted that at times)

I am grateful for the fact that I can be and am so open and honest in my relationships. I create a space for open communication.

I have tools to assist me in clearing negative energy and fear, and in creating what I want.

I am single and have the opportunity to create the relationship I want.

I am so blessed to have other amazing things going on in my life: photography business, a job that is stable, working out and doing P90x, amazing family and friends, my church calling and ways to meet other people.