Vulnerability and wholehearted living

This woman is my hero. I read her book, "The Gifts of Imperfection" and then ran into this amazing video. I just love this video. I have so many things that I could say about it. there are so many profound insights. But what i love is the scientific evidence as a result of research of things i've heard and read in other places.
difference between wholehearted livers:
belief of worthiness of love and belonging
fully embraced vulnerability - (i call this finding our perfection)

vulnerability and wholehearted living
-courage to be vulnerable to be imperfect
-compassion with selves and others
-connection as a result of authenticity

I received the facebook invite from a super cute girl in my ward, announcing her wedding, to get addresses: "I'm getting married!"

My first thought: "good, now there is one less cute girl to compete with. Maybe if all the cute girls would hurry and get married, maybe I would stand a chance." hahah!

I guess that's a step up from what usually goes through my mind...

"How did she find someone decent?" "Why can't I find someone like that?"  and "They have no idea what they are doing. Bless their hearts and I hope it works out for them."

The worst audiobook in the history of audiobooks

I just tried to listen the to worst audiobook ever, for the second time. Sometimes I listen to audiobooks at work but both times I've tried to listen to it I have almost fallen asleep at work, so bad that I can't finish the book. I've heard so many amazing things about "The Power of Now" and really wanted read it. I was so excited to be enlightened by the message. This book was narrated by the author, worst decision ever. His voice is so boring or soothing. I can't figure it out and maybe it's bot. I either fall asleep or my mind starts wandering and 30 minutes later I have no idea what I just listened to.

I'm sure this is a good book to read but I would never recommend the audiobook to anyone. 

I can't even give any insight on the contents of the book because honestly, I listened to one hour and I have no idea!

Maybe some day I will actually read it but for now it's time to move on.

So after my last attempt at dating I decided that I get to take a break. I wanted to take time to focus on me for three months and try not to worry about how many weekends it's been since my last date, (4 to be exact, but I'm not counting or anything....) if I would ever get married, or if there were any dateable guys out there. And, absolutely no online dating subscriptions! even if I'm bored...

Well, I got asked out on a date.... by someone I know I would never want to date.... who this guy is, the fact that he's been turned down by almost every girl in the ward, and why I said yes is unimportant.

The real issue at hand is do I cancel or just go on a quickie date and get it over with? I don't want to go, just on principle. I'm not saying that if the right guy came along I would refuse a date with him but I am definitely not looking for dates.  But I swore off dating for three months, and do I ruin it for a date with someone I don't even want to go out with? It's the principle of the matter!

To freeze eggs or not to freeze eggs

I never really considered what it must be like to be the single, mid 30s girl. The old adage your biological clock is ticking was just a joke my friends and I threw around like it would never happen to us. When I turned 29 several men (brothers and coworker/friends) in my life reminded me that my biological clock was ticking, and that my eggs were "getting old" or "drying up". Honestly, I never considered it much. My biggest concern was if I  waited too long, would I be able to keep up with my kids when we do overnight back packing trips as a family. I always wanted to be young enough to still "play with my kids."

However, in talking to a few of my single guy friends about their dating prospects, it turns out they take this age thing and a woman's fertility to heart.... and many are bypassing the "older" girl for someone younger. Surprisingly, this is not because she possess young soft delicate skin, nor is it because her boobs and butt are still perky, or can sport the au natural hair color, (although I'm sure all that stuff helps) but because she is young and they don't have to worry about infertility.

Like I said, I never really worried about not being able to have children, but now that I think of it, the reality is that it's only 5 small years away. I'm not so much worried about not being able to get pregnant or bear children, (because the women in my family are notoriously known as "fertile Myrtles") as much as I am worried about being counted in the group of women that are "too old" to date. I can't just announce or go around wearing a sign assuring every single guy that my eggs are in fact still good and plentiful.

Well, I came across this article, "Freezing Eggs Extends Fertility Options." I honestly considered it for a a minute and read the article... hmmm.... Maybe I should freeze my eggs. just in case... But again, would I really want to be chasing a two year old around when I'm 45 or wishing I could have participated in backpacking trips with my kids at 55?

Anyways, I decided not to freeze my eggs.

lessons from "The Bachelor"

This has got to be the most awkward kiss of all time. So many lessons, of what not to do, from this clip I don't even know where to start. just watch.

my worst swimming nightmare come true

This week is my spring break and next week is Sydney's so I'm trying to cram some fun things in between everything else I have to do. I picked her up from school yesterday and took her to the pool. To my horror I realized I forgot my swimming shorts. Yes I still wear swimming shorts like an insecure 14 year old girl, because I am insecure. I can't remember the last time I didn't wear shorts swimming. 5 grade, before that boy called me "thunder thighs," probably?

I had a moment of panic in the locker room and then put my jeans back on over my swimsuit and headed out to the pool area. I found a lawn chair, farthest away from everyone else, yet closest to the pool so the walk from my stuff to the pool wouldn't be so long, and then I sat there.... at least 10 minutes.... I finally talked myself into taking off my jeans and proceeded to walk to the pool as fast and nonchalantly as I could. But definitely not too fast so as not to cause everything to jiggle as I walked. So... smooth and fast and trying to look like I felt totally cool with the situation. "I'm cool, I am totally comfortable with my legs exposed and with my body, so cool that there is nothing to stare at. I'm cool. so just go back to reading your book or watching your kid in the pool. K? K."

This is how bad I wanted to swim. I did make it to the pool and thanked the heavens that there were not super hot skinny girls in bikinis and no cute guys. I don't know why that would make me feel so self conscious. If everyone was equally out of shape and lacked perfect bodies like me then I would be fine but when there are gorgeous people around I feel about the size of a pea but a super huge one.

Divorce Anniversary - 4 years

Yesterday was my Divorce anniversary.  Yep, Folks! It's been four years!

When I was thinking about getting divorced, and vacillating between staying and being a "good wife" and supporting my husband and "working it out," and ending it, calling it quits because I deserved better, and could be happier, I read an article. I must find it. It was from a former bishop who counseled with a woman who was unhappy with her marriage and eventually got divorced. The bishop ran into the woman a few years later and asked how she was doing and if she was happy. She expressed regret, loneliness, and sadness. I'm sure it was intended to make people think about if divorce really was the best idea. Honestly, it put some fear into me. "Is that going to be me?" "Will I regret this and will I be unhappy and lonely forever?"

Whelp, I can assure it is not me and I am not unhappy and lonely! Four years later and I can confidently say I am happy with my decision. I can't even imagine my life if I had stayed married. Actually I can. I tried many times while I was still married and struggling with what my future would be. I pictured myself with five teenage kids and either finding out about my husband's most recent affair or forever suspecting and questioning if he was having one. I imagined finally being fed up with it and getting a divorce after 20 years and trying to re-enter the job force.

I am so grateful for the decision I made, for the inner knowing and divine guidance I received. Most importantly, I am grateful for the feeling of peace that I felt with that decision, because that was my biggest fear. I feared that I wouldn't know what I should do or that I wouldn't recognize the answer to my prayers. I worried that I wouldn't know what my heart wanted.

I know divorce is not for everyone and is not the cure all, or by all means the easy, quitters way out (as I always believed). But for me, in my situation, it was the threshold that I had to cross to experience true peace, connection, and love in my life.

Times I wish I was married

Times when I wish I was married:

Valentines day this year. I usually prefer being single on valentines day but this year I really wanted to do something special for someone special. I really wanted to buy this card

When Sydney is being especially sassy and naughty it would be nice to have someone back me up and tell her to be nice to her mom. Like a dad... to tackle the parenting world with. (I admit I get envious when I see a husband step in and tell their child to stop arguing with their mother. silly I know.)

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to take vacations with. I am envious of other family's vacations. hahah! I really want to go camping... but for some reason I think Sydney and I would get so bored with each other.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to in the morning. I do miss that ever so much....

puppies and kitties and joy

Remember when as a kid all you wanted was a new puppy or kitty. And you swore you would never want anything else ever again. you don't even care if you get anything else for christmas....

It's easy to think after this big hurdle, after this trial, after this big mountain everything will be better. we will finally be able to do all those things we've dreamed of doing. It will solve all of my problems.

Believe me, I lived this for 4+ years. When I was married it was always after I graduate, after my husband graduates, after this big raise next year, and then after pharmacy school.... then... then we can finally be happy and enjoy our lives but tomorrow is promised to no one. Since then, I admit I have at times thought if I got married I would be happy. that is all I want. That is all I'll ask for this Christmas, I swear! Well... no matter where you are there will be something more to achieve, something more that you will want, something else that could cause unhappiness, that could make you wish for the grass that is greener on the other side of the fence.

I can only imagine after I finally met the man of my dreams I would want a cute little house that I can make a home, and to finally be able to cook dinners in my bright little kitchen. And don't forget the baby. After I meet the man of my dreams I will want a baby. And family vacations to the beach... The real trick is choosing peace and joy now and finding the beauty in the journey.

reminder - embrace the experience

Listening to this podcast today I am reminded to "embrace the experience," let it "teach and refine" me.
Going through my divorce I unintentionally learned the value in learning from every experience you have and finding joy regardless of the trials you are experiences.  But the lessons I learned from that one experience often gets forgotten amid 29 years of doing things a different way. Breaking that habit of negative thinking takes constant attention and practice, practice, practice. A lot of times I forget what I've learned and allow fear to overshadow what I know.

I'm kind of slow..... so I need these constant reminders.

Foreign women/single mothers/desperate psychos

In this post about what not to do when online dating, for men, I mentioned don't be bitter or have a "chip on your shoulder" as my mom would put it.
Case in point. Here is what one bitter guy wrote on his profile after canceling his subscription.

(Good to know I fit in with the "Foreign women and desperate psychos"........ see the list of types of women who join dating sites below.)

My membership is up in a couple of days and I've decided not to renew. It was a good experiment but for me the whole online dating thing is a scam. I think it's a great idea for women but not so good for men. The reason why it works so well for females is that men typically outnumber the women in online dating sites. With an oversupply of men, they can have their pick of the litter. Indeed, any female posting a profile to an online dating site usually gets deluged with e-mails from interested men. With so many e-mails and only a finite amount of time to answer them, naturally they will screen in only the best-looking and richest men. I recently found a blog that read: "One man posting a profile said he found that for every four hundred e-mails he sends to women, he will get maybe one or two positive responses back. Not dates, just responses. One response for every four hundred e-mails? Yikes! With results like that, it’s not hard to see that his chances of actually getting a date are pretty slim.

A number of years ago, German researchers found that people have to date a minimum of thirteen people before they find a suitable long-term partner. Let’s assume the prospective suitor I mentioned earlier does get one date for every four hundred e-mails he sends. That’s four hundred times thirteen, or 5,200 e-mails to find a partner! I can’t imagine any man having the kind of time or energy on his hands to carry out such a Herculean task."

In my experience there are a few different types of women who join a dating sites:

A) Stuck-up, snooty women who think they are God’s gift to men. With the tons of e-mail they get from hopeful suitors, they acquire both swelled heads and a wildly unrealistic opinion of their market value in the dating world. Women like this are clearly suffering from what I call ‘Princess Syndrome’. A characteristic symptom of the malady is having a stringent laundry list of ‘requirements’ and ‘standards’ few men could ever hope to meet.

B) Attention junkies/professional daters - sucked in by the endless choice online dating appears to offer, keep looking for the Bigger, Better Deal. Ad nauseam. Scratch a professional dater, and you’ll likely find someone with a serious fear of commitment lurking underneath.

C) Gold Diggers - No explanation required

D) Teases who get off on rejecting men for sport

E) Foreign women/single mothers/desperate psychos.

Bottom line is that it's a bad deal for men but a good deal for women. It was so confusing as to why beautiful women (and yes match.com has some very beautiful women) would feel the need to join a dating site...but not so confusing after examining a, b, & c from above. If any guys are reading this...I would recommend spending your time and cheddar elsewhere.

losing strength in my resolve

I unsubscribed to my Match.com account a while ago, but I still get emails informing me when someone sends me a flirt.

I know. I know. I know. I've sworn off online dating for at least three months. ( I even have a friend to call and talk me down off the ledge, when I'm feeling weak, bored, curious, or desperate because I haven't had a date for 4 weeks) But I can't help but be curious who just sent me a flirt. So I check.... and look at their profile...

Rant starting in 3... 2....1....

It is so hard to resist or stay strong with my resolve to only date "good" lds guys. (goes to church, doesn't drink, obeys the law of chastity, etc) It seems like most of the "good" lds guys that ever show interest in me are for lack of better word, goobers.... (basically i'm not attracted to them or they are super awkward or shy, there's something that is "off" as my mom say. hahahah!)
But I get winks/emails (online) or guys asking me out that are not "good" lds guys but are actually cute and seem normal. It's frustrating! Hedge315... is 34 and cute and foxy and likes to cook, and loves camping, and seems really great and did I mention cute!? he has a scruffy beard is the perfect height....

When lds goobers are interested I can blame it on me. (I'm a goober. I'm not good enough for anything better. I'm too picky. etc) But when there are other guys who are actually cute, and seem normal and not like goobers that would actually want to get to know me and take me out and date me.... I can't help but feel frustrated and think "see I'm not that bad after all and maybe I could be with someone normal..."

There are two explanations that come to mind:

1) The normal and attractive lds guys are all married or have gone inactive, started drinking etc which puts them in the category that I'm talking about that is cute and normal and would actually want to date me. (I really need to come up with a name for this guy besides cute, normal guy who drinks... hahaha)

2) And the few normal attractive lds guys who actually do go to church and live the gospel have 200 girls to choose from and have thus become picky. It's no fault of their own. It is just a byproduct of the lds single culture. But I don't make the cut.

I swear I've ranted about this before.... But it takes all I have to not throw in the towel and just date someone I want to date, that's actually cute and normal. And if I hit 45 and am not married yet that's exactly what I'm going to do. 

A mother of one battles with 7 years of infertility
Injury and surgery after surgery
A husband and father works overtime to pay medical bills and for his son's mission
A wife's battle with breast cancer
A Father and husband loses his job
Wife coping with her husband's progressing mental illness
A friend facing loneliness
Divorce and infidelity
A wife hurting because her husband tells her he doesn't love her anymore

My heart aches today. It aches for everyone around me. How can there be so much pain? And I think of my own trials and how trivial and insignificant they are, but how they seem so hard. Yet all the things I normally worry about are so silly, like dating, and reorganizing Sydney's room, and what to paint for my next watercolor project, and if I should give into the temptation to buy new black church shoes or save the money. None of that even matters. I can't believe I worried about such stupid things. Lately I've been excited about my own future. But today... I feel scared.