I have been listening to "The Lost Memoirs of Jane Austen" on audio book as of late. Oh how I wish, no long to speak so eloquently. I utterly adore Jane Austen! (spoken in my head with an english accent... hehe)

My one and only New Year's resolution

I don't like new years resolutions. I despise them....

Ever since a long time ago when I did make resolutions and failed misserably over and over, I've resolved not to make them. hahaha!
And my conviction grows even stronger when I scroll through all the new years resolutions on blogs, facebook and pinterest.

I know myself well enough to know that if I really had these as resolutions that I would fail on week one and then feel bad about it. I know that I can't possibly expect myself to do that many things. And how does one know they've fallen in love more enough.....? how do you measure that so you can say "yes I did fall in love more in 2012" and what steps do you take to fall in love more? And how do you "make new mistakes"? "Quit my bad habits".... could you be any less specific...? You can't honestly think you are going to be able to quit your bad habits with a vague like "quit my bad habits." you need a plan and measurable way to even know if you've achieved it. you need to specify which bad habits and what you are going to replace then with. It just seems like a recipe for failure and more to beat myself up over.


With that said, I have decided to make one goal (or new years resolution, if you must call it that). So without further ado here is my new years resolution:

easy right? You're thinking, "way to aim low, so you don't even have to try!" hahaha! But little did you know this is actually REALLY hard for me! It's something I've struggled with for years, most of my life... I'm not an insomniac. I can fall asleep, and fast, once I do go to bed. I'm just a night owl....

I'd like to go to bed at 11:00 pm at least 3 three nights a week. Going to bed at 11 would be a huge thing to take on, as I actually go to bed between 12 and 2 every night.  By just doing that one thing I would be able to accomplish a lot of the other things I want to improve in my life that I could add to my "new years resolution list." It would give me more energy and time to accomplish everything that would go on my list, from playing with Sydney and doing yoga, to clearing up my skin and losing weight. I would feel more at peace and have the mental capacity to tackle everything there is to do.

so far I've had one good week of being in bed at 11:30 and one really bad week of staying up until 1:00 and 2:00 most nights (or should I say mornings). I'm working on managing my time more wisely and being more realistic about what I can actually accomplish after Sydney goes to bed. GO ME!

Hope

There have been times in my life where I was sure I had no hope. I felt completely hopeless not just exhausted or like giving up but felt like what my heart desires most would never come to be....

I feel like I've been reliving my own pride cycle like in the Book of Mormon. You know the old pride cycle where the people have to keep getting humbled because they get so prideful and wicked...?

Here is my pride cycle:
I think i'm in control of my life and know exactly what I want and then everything I have been trying so hard for slips through my fingers, gone. And I am humbled and reminded that I am not in charge here and it is not up to me. Never before have I felt so much like my life, this life I'm living, is not my own. It is not up to me and I don't get to call all the shots like I think. No matter how hard I try or how much I think I know how it should go it's out of my control. It's up to God and what he wants me to do. when I'm running into dead ends over and over and nothing seems to work or everything gets taken away, I remember that I don't have a say how this story goes or how it ends. Sometimes it makes me sad to think that what I want won't happen and sometimes it feels scary. But at the same time maybe it's good because God is keeping me from effing up my own life. He knows how bad I can mess things up. God is constantly reminding me that I am not in control here.

"Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you.  It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance.  It is believing and expecting that something will occur.  When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for your good.  Hope helps you conquer discouragement."  - Preach My Gospel p. 117.


I'm working on the hope thing because most of the time it just feels hopeless....

guide to my heart

You win my heart:

If you can make me laugh or laugh with me enough to make my abs hurt
When you are honest
When you call me sweet things like darling or sweetheart
If you can cook, enjoy cooking or even just enjoy cooking with me
If you can pick me up and play wrestle with me
When you help me change my tire
If you touch my hair or neck when we kiss
When you take me camping or hiking

I am but a simple girl with simple dreams...

Lessons from "The Bachelor"

confession:
I just watched the bachelor. hahaha! Despite my decision to not watch it this season, I couldn't resist when my sister in law told me how good it was, not because of all the great girls or anything noble and good (because who watches the bachelor for that...? hahaha) but because there are so many crazy chicks and there is so much drama! and i agree completely. I'm hooked. there are so many psychos I have to watch it!

There are a lot of crazy weird girls and it is really juicy but I just watched the second episode tonight. One girl, I think her name is Jenna (It doesn't matter because she is gone, and here is why) told Ben, "I feel like I'm a guy in how I act, and so like being around girls all the time is very uncomfortable at times... I'm not like a girl. If that makes any sense.." REALLY?!
Did you just say you are like a guy and not like a girl!? (hand to forehead) I'm not quite sure why she would say something like that! Guys don't want to date guys! They want to date girls!
Needless to say she no longer on the show.... I wonder why!?

Don't try to be a guy or like a guy or try to convince a guy that you are like a guy! I know there is this idea that it's super cool to be "one of the guys" and hope that one of them will like you... but that only happens in the movies! In the end a guy wants to date a girl that is like a girl, unless he is gay....

Sometimes I can't figure out how to get videos to work on here so here is a link. just skip towards the end.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/316936/the-bachelor-week-2

I don't have the link or source for this as it was on facebook but I love it and had to share

Some random and deeply profound thoughts on being alone. hahaha! as if anything I say is deeply profound...

Being lonely and being alone are not the same. One does not have to be alone to be lonely. The worst kind of lonely is being in a relationship and feeling lonely and longing for connection with that person. I'd take being alone over being lonely in a relationship. 

I am often reminded of how lucky I am to have sydney. I can't even imagine what it would be like not having her. She makes me feel not so lonely. I'm sure it's that I am so busy being a mom that I forget what it feels like to be alone, and for that I am grea. I might end up being that mom that won't let their 18 year old child leave for college for fear that I will be lonely. hahha! I'll just make her feel guilty about leaving and make her stay and take care of me. hehe

Being in the singles ward sometimes makes you not feel so lonely because you are reminded there are other single people out there. At the same time it makes you realize how lonely and pathetic you really are.