Sydney has, quite honestly, been getting on my nerves. lately she has had the worst attitude. as my mom would say, she needs an "attitude adjustment." But mostly she has just been acting very spoiled and ungrateful. which made me think I have been pretty ungrateful lately...

this is my list of gratitude for divorce. this is not to say divorce is so amazing and everyone should go out and get one but I have been so blessed since my divorce and when I think about the trials that come with being single and dating they seem miniscule to the trials I experienced in my marriage.

I am grateful I get  to go to the International Conference on food styling and photography
that I can use my money how i want
doing what I want with my evenings
being in relationship with honest people
I have a second chance to create the relationship I want
I know what I want
kissing
doing spontaneous things
I have learned a lot about myself and what I want
I have learned to love and accept myself
I learned a lot about marriage, divorce and relationships
Spending more time with my family
I get this amazing opportunity to pursue my photography dreams
Sydney still gets to be in my life
I have learned a lot about being a good mom
I get to spend more time with sydney
I get to be in relationship with people who love and accept me for who I am

It's hard not to get your hopes up.... When something great comes up or an amazing opportunity is placed before me, I can't help but get excited.  I know better than to get my hopes up. Then I won't be so disappointed if it doesn't work out.... but shouldn't I be optimistic? And I do love that excited feeling.
I met someone... that seems pretty great.

I have been enlightened on the subject of clingy guys that I referred to in a previous post.
Someone explained to me that when a guy has a purpose and direction and a lot he is working toward in life then girls are clingy but when a guy doesn't and has a lot of free time on his hands he's the clingy one.
I would say that is pretty accurate, however there is one more factor that I have recently considered, the level of "like like" (as Sydney calls it).  Someone can come across as clingy when the other (the receiver of said clingy behavior) is not as interested as the clinger. But there is a line that has to be drawn. There are some things that are not okay, no matter how much you like the other person.

You know you are a clinger if after the first date or two:

- you text right after the date, then first thing next morning, and all day until your eyes shut ("blowing up their phone" with text messages) one text will suffice to let them know you had a good time.

- you ask for a play by play of the receiver's day and what they are doing every night after that

- when the receiver is vague about his or her plans friday night and you ask "what are you doing, who are you going with, where are you going, etc?" (they were vague for a reason)

- you give the receiver a  play by play of your day in full detail without even being asked.

- you try to occupy every night of the receivers week.

- you call, IM, and text message them constantly.

- you start talking cutesy too soon, calling them pet names like babe and hun, and saying things like "I wish you were here cuddling with me right now"

- you constantly write on their facebook wall and comment on all of their photos and posts

i did not take this photo

There is an art to managing expectations in dating. Yesterday at church someone was asking me about a recent date I went on and why I am not going out with the guy that night. My response, "I can't go out with him tonight! I went out with him last night! That is way too soon!" not that I am trying to play some kind of dating game, but I am merely managing expectations. Regardless if I like the guy and really do want to see him the next day, if I go out with him too soon he will start to expect me to hang out with him more and more often. I would be setting a precedent that I cannot keep up with. Likewise, if we talk on the phone after work for three days in a row just because I like talking to him, then when I can't do it every day we have a problem on our hands. I hate having to force myself to pull back but I can't keep up forever....

Gone are the days when a date was just that, a date, when a guy would pick you up around 6 and take you to dinner and a movie and you were were home by 11:30 or 12.

I feel like I'm back in high school where when you went to a dance with someone they made it into an all day event: starting with breakfast, a day activity, then you had that 2 hour break to go home change get ready for the actual dance, next dinner, 3 hours at the dance and then the after activity at someone's house. I like to call this marathon dating.

marathon dating: when a guy turns a date into an all day event by trying to start the date early when setting up the plans of the date or by dragging it out into the late hours of the night.

Okay that was my clean, mormon definition but here is Urban Dictionaries definition of marathon dating:
a date that lasts longer than normal, maybe 2 or 3 days... Usually involving a lot of long lasting tantra sex.

eg: when you are discussing the plans for dinner and a hike he mentions he wants to take you fishing before too... I think that date was like 10 hours and that's without the fishing. How many things can we cram into one date?

eg: when going out for ice cream on his motorcycle turns into a 6 hour drive. In an attempt to keep it short by starting at 8:30, he just drags it out all night.

How do you say "I want to go home now" without sounding rude? I haven't mastered the art of ending a date yet. But I thought "I'm freezing to death" or "I'm am so stinkin tired and should get to bed" on the both occasions would be enough for a guy to think "maybe I should get this girl home". apparently not....

image from http://www.10dailythings.com/tag/marathon/

They say, "just be yourself and the right guy will come along and like you for who you are." or  "Just be yourself and if that's not what they're looking for then you probably wouldn't want to be with them anyway."

Well sometimes being myself seems like a recipe for disaster... (that is if I can ever actually be myself around I guy that I like. I usually get all shy and can't even think of anything to do or say.) Anyways, if I "just be myself" in hopes of someone actually liking who me being myself is, and that it would essentially weed out the rest who aren't interested, then there won't be anyone left. As in there won't be anyone left to like me.... (granted maybe there will be one or two but people tend to forget that a very selfish part of me wants to actually like them back....)
I love this clip from the movie, "He's just not that into you." If I was a movie character this is who I would be. not by choice but just because when it comes to dating this is exactly how I am.

Grrr. I can't get the video to post. so here is a link

K. I get that this blog has kind of turned into more of a dating blog with other random stuff peppered throughout. A blog where I piss and moan about my pathetic dating life... But wahtevs. It's my blog and I can write about what I want. Besides, no one reads it anyways! But it is funny how I write like there is an actual audience. hahahah! It just feels good to get all of my messed up thoughts out of my head and then I can forget about it. Apparently I have a lot of thoughts on dating and relationships.

So I recently changed wards. If you are at all familiar with the goings on of the LDS church you may have heard of the reorganization of the young single adult wards and student wards. Basically they did away with the student wards and stakes, of which I was a member, and combined them with the young single adult wards.

From what it sounds like they anticipate some major missionary work within the newly organized young single adult wards. I actually like my new ward and change is always good when it affects your dating pool. Although, it doesn't seem to be doing much for my dating life as of yet.

Is it bad to think that maybe with the missionary work that they anticipate, there might be some guy who is less active or inactive that might start coming back to church and then might be a tad more open minded about my situation (being a divorced, old lady with a kid)?

I know I shouldn't hope for such things with my new resolve to only date guys who are active and lds and stuff, but I just wonder if they might be more open minded than the typical guys I find at church who have a pretty clear idea of what they want which does not include a divorced woman with an 8 year old.

Not that I want to date someone who is inactive, but I haven't seen any other prospects in my new ward yet. (it's only been like two months in the new ward.. probably less. hahah) I was just thinking if some guy started going to church before I met him and he was already making the effort for himself, maybe I won't worry so much about if he is doing it for me or if his efforts are sincere like I do with guys I meet outside of church who are less active and start going after they meet me. Oh and the whole part about them being open minded to dating someone with a kid and who is divorced.... would be really nice. :)

blehhh! that's a lot of rambling and I don't even know if any of it makes any sense!

just a thought...

Oh! Red Lobster guy sent me a text the other day... He wanted to go to a movie. a movie I have been wanting to see oh so badly. I didn't go. I was sure he had a girlfriend.... He confirmed. she lives in moab and he just wanted someone to go to a movie with. hmmmm....

I like my boobs for the most part, granted they aren't as perky as they once were. i think they are decent size and stuff. Of course in my opinion I think they could stand to be a little bigger, others don't seem to agree but it would be nice just to balance out my curves and make my body a little more proportionate. well I had this dream.... you know how dreams are...pretty random so this is all i remember.

I was hanging out with a bunch of friends and there was this girl who was probably at least younger than 18 and she had really nice boobs... well they were bigger and perkier than mine, from what I could tell at least. anyways! We decided to trade. She wanted smaller boobs and I wanted bigger perkier boobs. Yeah we traded boobs... hahah! it's a dream! okay!? it can be whatever my messed up brain chooses! It must have been super easy to trade breasts because all I remember was having new boobs and thinking yeah these are perfect. Well needless to say at that exact moment I realized they were fake not that she gave me fake boobs. well I guess she did... she had had a breast implants and I was really disappointed to find out that they weren't real and felt a little jipped. Apparently I would rather have my regular 30 year old (there I go again saying I'm older than I am) correction, my 29 year old boobs that are slightly imperfect but perfect for me.

Once in a while I get the opportunity to date guys who have been married before and are now divorced. There are a few things that can be huge turn offs in dating these guys. (not all but some do these things and it just makes them seem so unattractive)

- Guys that bash on their ex's. I get that you don't like each other all the time but there comes a point when you have to grow up, forgive and move on.

- When they don't take accountability for their part in a relationship/marriage or an ongoing argument with the ex.

- Guys who say they have no idea what happened, just one day she said she wanted a divorce. Really?! You were that oblivious in your relationship? And I should want to date you why?

- Still can't seem to manage a "working" relationship with the ex (ie: calling the cops when the ex is late to drop off the kids, name calling, etc. Drama!)

today is a good day.

I did it! I cancelled my LDSsingles.com online dating profile. And it feels great! I feel so liberated! I am so done with trying to make time and get a babysitter to go out with someone I don't even want to go out with, all in the name of trying to be "open minded." I am making room for other things and other guys. Guys I do want to go out with.

I found two rolls of film that I have been looking for for the past two days. Last night just as I was drifting off to sleep the thought occurred to me "maybe I left it in that camera bag that I rented." So I drove to Pictureline this morning and alas both rolls of film were still there!

This morning I got an email from the International Conference on Food Styling and Photography. They decided to let  10 more people into the friday class that was full. when I registered and found out it was full I was so bummed I had to go out to my car and cry to myself a little. I've been beating myself up for days that I didn't register sooner. I am so stinkin' excited I get to go!

I did not take this photo. photo from http://quick-healthy-recipes.com/Healthy_Woman.aspx

I'm contemplating  deleting my ldssingles.com account. I've had it for so long.... well two years. It hasn't always been "active" but it's a safety net when I'm not getting asked out and I actually do feel like dating. I will periodically activate it for a month or two. But when I say delete I mean for realsies not just not renew it but delete my entire profile, never to return.

I was talking to my bishop the other day and he asked why I am going out with a nonmember guy... yeah red lobster guy. We went out... Once....that is all.  anyways! I had a moment of weakness despite my renewed goal to turn down guys who even remotely give a vibe of not being lds, inactive, social drinkers etc.  I expressed my frustration about not getting asked out by other mormon guys and then I got to thinking that more often than not the guys I meet on ldssingles are usually not as LDS as I'm looking for. Oh and not to mention the occasional 45 or 20 year old or the majority of guys which live out of state.

Then again if I delete my online dating profile, then my only means of meeting any guys is through the singles ward, which has proven to be unsuccessful in terms of dates lately.   Then again so has the online dating...  how else does a 29 year old, single, working, mom meet people?

I love when sydney sleeps. I love waiting until she is asleep and going into her room and kissing her sweet face. the best part is she can't deflect my kisses like she does when she is awake. I can't ever sneak in kisses. even when I go in to kiss her forehead she turns her head downs so I end up kissing her hair. :( But sometimes at bedtime she asks me to come in before I go to bed and hug and kiss her. How can I pass that up? And when she's asleep I always get carried away and kiss all over her face and nuzzle her neck.

I thought girls were the clingy ones.... but apparently guys are. Or at least it feels that way to me. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I have been married and am enjoying my freedom, have a child and so I don't have as much free time, and am keeping myself pretty busy with pursuing photography. I just find it interesting that I go on one date with a guy and he wants to text all day the next day and the following week, try to chat with me every time I'm online and talk on the phone every night. it feels overwhelming when they want to spend every night after together , let alone going out again that same week. I'm not saying this is the case with all guys because if it was maybe I would have met and married the one I want to marry by now if all guys were that way. But when one says he wants to date me after one date i wonder how can he even know?! I find dating to be exhausting at times. Sometimes I don't want to go out on Tuesday and then again on Friday and again on Saturday. Not only that but it's hard to justify finding a babysitter twice when I probably already had to get a babysitter other days that week. I don't mind all those things guys do... They just always move so fast. As if I wasn't a commitment-phobe before, I am even worse now since I've been divorced!  I move extremely slow in dating and relationships and even figuring out how I feel about a guy. The pressure just makes me want to pull on the breaks. Can't we just take it slow and keep it light? I wonder if I will ever want to spend every waking moment with someone... and does the fact that I don't want to mean that I don't like them that much? or does it mean I have commitment issues or that I am not ready for a relationship?