"Why God spared me I don't know." Sigh... Gag!

Hey! another gem from the online dating world! this is a goodie! almost as if a gift from above for all the world admire.

I can't decide what's worse... that it sounds like this guy got his crap out of a self-help book or that he thinks he's God's gift to the world....

"I have very diverse and wide range of interests and passions. The words “can’t” or “impossible” don’t exist for me.

I love laughing, loving and spending time with those I care about. I enjoy my time alone.

I live my life according to the dictates of my own conscience, values and beliefs and am fiercely independent and resist dogma in all its forms; at the same time I have the ability to get along well with just about anyone and I understand when you deal with individuals the ability to compromise is often crucial.. Life for me is simple. Happiness is a choice. I wake up everyday and make that choice.

While I am a driven person, I do a good job of finding balance between work, family and personal time.

Like most people I have many sides and am a study in contrasts. Some of the traits I have that I give the most weight to are: unselfish, forgiving, kind, funny and thoughtful. I am open-minded and adventurous always willing to try new things.

As a child and young teenager I was able to not only miraculously survive, but become a very compassionate human being as a result of heartbreaking loss, and tremendous individual trials, pain and suffering that no child or adult should ever have to endure. Why God spared me I don't know, but as a result I have always felt a deep responsibility to give back and help people where possible, especially children. I have spent a good portion of my life in that pursuit.

Ultimately I am committed to finding someone who shares my base core values and interests and isn't afraid to open their heart and have a deeply meaningful and passionate relationship. In the mean time I would simply like to get to know some new people and make some valuable lasting friendships--and for the right person we can take it from there."


Worst of all, this is what I imagine my ex-husband's profile would sound like. Both incredibly enlightened godly beings, gifts to this earth from God above. Both sent to this cruel world forced to overcome insurmountable odds with Herculean strength. And still destined to roam this earth among these mere mortals, all the while blessing the lives of all who come into contact with them.

what if he's the one...?

What does it mean if you are just starting to date someone and you think, "what if he's the one?" but not in an excited, "I think he's the one" kinda way, but  more of a "crap! what if he's the one? What if we start dating seriously and I can't find any red flags....?  what if we get along and he wants to marry me...? what if I end up marrying him? maybe I should end it now before it's too late" kinda way.

Let's take a little stroll in my brain and analyze for a moment, shall we!? because it is my most favorite past time, of all time! hehehe

Does this mean I don't really want to be in a relationship? Does this mean I'm not ready for a relationship?
Am I afraid of commitment? Am I messed up?
Am I still hurt and haven't fully let go of the past?
Do I just not like him enough? Am I too picky? Will I ever like someone enough to want to marry them?
What if it means that I won't ever be happy with who I'm dating?
Will I always wonder if there is someone else out there for me?
Does it mean that I am subconsciously being too picky and not allowing myself to like anyone?
 Will I ever date someone I feel right about marrying?
And if I do ever feel right about marrying someone again, will he want to marry me back?
(that is the one question that keeps me up at night, so to speak...)

it's hard to wait around...

Sometimes this is how I feel about getting married.....

Booty Pop

I have no words..... I don't even know what to say, except that I can't believe there is a product for a bigger rounder butt when I've been trying to wish my big ole booty away all these years!!!!!!!! It's almost annoying especially when I think about all the insecurities that I have that revolve around my butt....
It just goes to show the grass is always greener on the other side.

I can't get the video to load from you tube. So watch the commercial here!

oh! and they're having a sale! now if only they could make underwear that makes your butt smaller for me....

Being presumptuous

I just love to share all the stupid crap I do because I do stupid crap all the time. and it's funny.....

This guy added me on facebook a long time ago.  I've never actually met him but we have a lot of common friends. He started chatting with me over facebook one day. He asked me if I would like to go the park and play or go to dinner and a movie, or so I thought......

 I kindly decline with, "That is very nice of you. I am very flattered. I am just not interested, thank you though. :)"
I was proud of myself for having the strength to say no when I knew I wasn't interested. (normally I don't handle things such straight forward grace)

Several days later I realized that he did not ask me out. He merely said, "do you go to the park and play or go to dinner and a movie?"
I completely read his message wrong!

I must think I'm pretty hot shit to presume that every guy that talks to me wants to date me..... hahahahah! I must have seemed like a conceited jerk! hahah!

Relationship status: Engaged

When facebook so graciously reminds that another person just got engaged I constantly walk this fine line between being super excited and happy for the engaged person and hating their guts....

The good news it that it's facebook's fault and not the person who changed their relationship status to "engaged" and posted photos of the ring, because you better believe when I get engaged I'm going to post shamelessly about my engagement every day for the ensuing months to come!

with that I shall leave you with an ecard that... well, illustrates my sentiments all too well:

Oh and since I am well past 30 and coming up on 31 I decided to finally change the title heading of this blog from 29 to 30. and maybe next year I will change it to 31. or not..... hahaha!

dating update

I have people ask me a lot who I'm dating, if I'm dating, and how is dating. I don't really care. most singles get annoyed but I am an open book.

So here is a little tidbit of my dating life for ya'll to enjoy if you care to know. It's super exciting and eventful and you won't want to miss it! ;)
 (this is an excerpt from a facebook convo I was having with a friend. forgive the improper use of tense and for the disorganization)

Earlier this summer I met this guy at a party. (let's call him "Ben") We met talked a few times at parties and church and then he left at the beginning of the summer to work and plans on coming back at the end of the summer and when he's finished working.  

Cute guy moves in to Ben's room while he's gone. (let's call him "cute guy". Ben is cute too but this guy is called Cute Guy) Ben and Cute Guy will be roommates when Ben comes back. they have mutual friends/roommates) I've talked to Cute Guy a couple of times. He is super shy according to his friend. And he said he hasn't been on a date for a year. 

I think, "If I could talk to him enough, maybe we could get to know each other and hopefully make it happen."

So I organize movie nights at his house with his other roommate. And I ask if he's going. He goes, we talk here and there over the summer. Nothing happens. 

Ben's birthday shows up on my facebook. i wish him happy birthday on his fb wall and ask when he's coming home. He comments he's home for a week. Then i get an invite to his bday party that is that night. 

I check it out and think. "oh cool. Cute Guy will be there. maybe i'll go get my flirt on and try again to talk to cute guy for the 10th time. it could be good. I think i'll clean my room in the mean time and look for a paper i've been needing from back in my college days at the U." 

I start digging through old stuff. 7pm rolls around. I think i'll go at 8. 8 rolls around. Organizing my gift wrap.... 

"Oh it's almost 8:30. Well what if not many people are there... Cute guy goes to bed early anyways. It did say they were doing a movie in the back yard. Maybe he will still be around. But it seems kinda pointless to try to keep talking to Cute Guy. He's either not interested, too shy or has no desire to try to date me. Either way I sure am throwing away a lot of junk and it feels good."

end of my dating shenanigans

Relapse

Hi, my name is Meili and I'm an addict.

I am addicted to staying up late. Not just midnight, but 4 am kinda late. I've struggled with it my whole life and this year I decided enough was enough. I had hit rock bottom. I've always known that it was a problem but I think I was in denial about how bad it was. I realized how badly it was affecting my health and my relationships. So I made getting sleep my one and only New Year's resolution. I can't say I have completely changed my sleep hygiene but I've been doing better. I was doing better.... hahaha! I am being totally melodramatic but it is true. I really do think I am addicted and I relapsed...

I hung out with some new girls in my ward. We went dancing until 1:30 one night, and then played poker until 1:00 the next night.... and well it's been a downward spiral every night from there, until Saturday night.  I stayed up until 4:00 am watching the bachelorette. The bachelorette, people! Of all things to stay up so late for. Yes. I've relapsed.... And I need help. An intervention....

Why I am a minimalist

I think I'm kinda cool, calling myself a minimalist.... But funny because I'm not really a real minimalist. I still have a lot of junk. hahaha! but I also get that it is a process and well.... I'm still working on it. I'm still decluttering. Sespite my goal to remove one item a day from my space, I still miss a lot of days. Last night I decided to declutter one drawer which turned into decluttering 5 drawers and some old school work from my undergrad. it's hard throwing away papers that I spent hours and hours on!
But I read this article today and it pretty my describes why i've decided to be a minimalist.

you should read it :) just sayin... :) hehe

http://www.becomingminimalist.com/2012/07/09/own-less-stuff-pursue-your-passions-finally/

I love decluttering! it makes my heart sing! :)

Oh! and good news! I cancelled my match.com account. again..... hahahah! how many times have I said that?! hahah! But because I am being more picky about who I spend my precious time dating, I realized that I wasn't going on nearly enough dates to justify it. It feels good. And it feels good to have so many weekends and nights available to do what I really want. I realize I was so worried about not finding someone that I was willing to date anyone in the hopes that I could convince myself that they were that someone. anyays. there is the update on my pathetic dating life. hehe

I got a date!

I got a date! I got a date! I got a date, hey hey hey hey!

I sound like the biggest lame-o. hahaha! But, honestly, since I decided not to date guys I don't like....  I haven't been on very many dates lately! Sad right? you should feel sorry for me... ;)

But I am a tiny bit excited. It's been a long time since I've had a date. pretty sure it's been 2 months! But again I'm not counting! hahahaha!

Oh, in case you're wondering... this is a blind date with someone my friend is setting me up with. I'm not sure there is such thing as a "blind date" anymore, since you can pretty much google and facebook stalk anyone you want. (which I take full liberty with)  But he seems decent. He's a photographer...... Not sure how I feel about that yet.... hahhahaha!

another crappy online dating profile

It's been a while since I've shared a profile from an online dating site....
here's a good one. ya' all might think it sounds good and sweet enough. but let me pick it apart for you and tell you why it is a HUGE no. :) and you will see why I am too damn picky. :)

The first paragraph was fine but here is where he shoots himself in the foot:
(My interjections are in italics)

I find a girl extremely sexy when a she tries to make me smile or just hugs me (physical touch is one of my 3 love languages). This makes me go to the ends of the earth for her. As a old fashion romantic, I am very loyal and I love to show it right back. I still pratice the old arts of opening doors, walking a woman to her door, and flowers. I am truely amazed when i open a door for my date and she makes a comment about never having this done before. 
ugh! hahahah! when a guy starts talking about some fictional fantasy girl who is always doing sexy things I can just tell that he has some fantasy of what a girl should be and what he is going to get, rather than what he has to offer. I'm not saying a relationship should be all about what a guy does for a girl but what each person can do for each other.  I acknowledge that he mentions how romantic  he is, but he should not be making promises like going to the ends of the earth for her...  Most of the time guys think they are way more romantic than the really are. and in my experience the guys who actually go on about how romantic they are, are not actually romantic at all. (or they are super cheesy and clingy)

I strongly believe in "love languages" and believe that it's not only important to understand them, but come to know your partners VERY well. I am a sucker for a good passionate kiss! I am looking for my princess to rescue from the tower of life. If you find me as a possible prince charming, please drop me a line.
barf! Any girl that is smarter than a box of rocks and has a grasp of reality would see right through his gushing about finding his "princess to rescue from the tower of life." I can't stand it when a guys talk about being a knight in shining armor or how romantic he is. We all know it's not true. 

Must find me a gay husband.... And stat!
Apparently it is super hot right now and tres chic.

There are some articles floating around that are getting tons of attention on the interwebs (such as this one found on theweed) and in the LDS community (such as this article in LDSLiving magazine) about mixed orientation marriages. (homosexual man married to a heterosexual woman) And not the kind where he announces after several years of marriage that he is gay, but both husband and wife chose to marry with the full knowledge that he is homosexual. I'm not going to interject my own beliefs or  about homosexuality as it is already a main topic of discussion and have nothing new to add to the discussion. Nor am I going to get all political, philosophical etc. All I'm sayin' is, Where do I find me a homosexual husband!?

The two articles mentioned above (and the most popular for the time being) almost paint mixed orientation marriages as ideal. They describe their marriages as more loving and connected than most traditional marriages, for lack of better words. (straight man married to straight woman) They paint this beautiful picture of how there is a deeper emotional connection because the physical lusting and attraction to the other is not there.... because apparently that is bad and gets in the way.... I am assuming the LDS magazine is saying it is advisable or a good idea for homosexual men and women... I'm not sure if this what LDS leaders expect... but these articles and ones similar to them sure paint a perfect picture, much like the one I like to call, the mormon fairy tale, that leads many youth (as I so naively did) to believe that if you get married in the temple you will live happily ever after. I find it very misleading. Marriage is hard enough, why not throw in same sex attraction/ mixed sexual orientation!? It's super cool and noble and popular right now!

Must find me a gay man to marry, as long as he is hot... of course. ;)

a real live "happy" marriage

Because I have been to that hell that is a miserable marriage and divorce and back, it is hard not to observe, dissect and scrutinize other marriages  and wonder if they are really happy.

I often catch myself doing this messed up thing where I notice people who are seemingly happy and then I try to figure out what it's really like under their "perfect" life...  I try to imagine what it's like when they are home. I try to speculate what they could possibly be unhappy about. I try to imagine what their marriage is like. I look for signs that they are unhappy....

hahahah It's sick and wrong really.... but it is true

I know this! the worst was when I was in the family ward right after I found out about my ex's affair. I would sit in church and try to imagine who in that room was cheating on their spouse, and then who had cheated on their spouse in the past and then I would think about how many years it must have taken the spouse to forgive. I would think about who would stay married and who would get divorced and in how many years.

In all my searching for miserable couples and marriages there are some that I stand out to me as "happy". I'm not talking about the kind where they obviously just got married two years ago and are still madly in love with each other and are still excited about their future family and lives. Nor am I talking about the token older couple who has stayed together for over 30 years. I'm talking about a marriage that is alive and active right now, and despite the hard times they have faced, are facing now and have yet to face, I truly do believe they will stay married and happy. I'm not saying they will never be unhappy. Everyone has feelings of unhappiness at some point. But they will still love each other and choose to stay and be happy.

One relationship I admire is that of my little sister and her husband who have been married 9 years.
I just got back from a tip to visit them and their three little kids. They have no idea how much I watch them hahah! it's really creepy. hehe!

I watched him come home from work and roll around on the floor with the kids. I watched them actually talk to each other and joke with each other and take care of each other. She was caring and sweet and he sat and watched a movie with us. They go camping together.... He would say how hot and gorgeous she is when I teased her about her plumber's crack... After all these years, and three kids he is still in love with her and she is still in love with him. The night before we left, while she got her hair dyed by my mom,  I went with my brother in law to the grocery store to buy dr. peppers for us on our drive home. he mentioned in our conversation about my divorce how he could never leave her. He explained how he married up and how much he lucked out. He said she could leave him but if he left her everyone would tell him what an idiot he is for leaving such an amazing woman. (not verbatim but you get the point) And whenever I talk to my sister I can tell she is genuinely happy. She would pick up and move with her husband anywhere he wanted to go, and she does. She assures me that the still disagree, and get frustrated with each other but I know enough to know that's expected.

I'm a Minimalist

I just decided to become a minimalist this last weekend. Yep! Just like that!  If only everything were as easy as just proclaiming it. :)

Will I really start using baking soda to wash my hair and will I throw away all of my shoes until I only have two pairs.... probably not. But I am excited to simplify my life by removing the excess I have surrounded myself with. Excess stuff, excess spending, and excess things to do.

In my search for a good book to read on my trip to California last weekend I found this book, Miss Minimalist, and I am almost finished. And it's not an audiobook! It's that good, that I am actually going to finish it! Not only is it inspiring, it also has tons of easy ways get you started.

A week or two before my trip, my brother had a yard sale and I decided to take some of sydney's old stuff that was in the DI (Deseret Industries) box. With all of her tiny little trinkets and a few of my never used appliances we made like $50. And a few days later feeling completely claustrophobic in my room, I removed all the piles in various corners out into the hall and found a place for them somewhere else. After reading this book, however, I realized I was just moving my junk around and that I have so much more to get rid of.

Before my trip I removed clothes from my closet that I don't wear because they no longer fit, need repair. I have a lovely pile of things from my bedroom. And I have decided to apply one of the tips from the book and choose one item a day to add to that pile.
Day one 5 bottles of nail polish and last night I couldn't fall asleep until I went through the books on the bottom of my book shelf. By the end of the year I will have removed 365+ items of clutter from my space!

I may be addicted or just obsessive compulsive. Diagnosis is still unknown. It feels so exhilarating every time I add something to my donation pile, kind of like that high you get right as you're walking out of a store with three bags of new purchases. You know..... right before the buyer's remorse sets in. However, this way I don't feel the remorse I thought I would after saying adios to some old junk.

Today is my first attempt to recruit Sydney. She loves collecting things from stuffed animals to rocks and bottle lids. (not the cool bottle caps but the plain old plastic lids on any container) She pulls things out of the garbage that I have thrown away and chastises me for rejecting the item as if it has feelings. And then she claims them as her own.  Today I offered her $5 for filling a box with items from her room to donate.


With that said, here is a list of things I am still unsure I can apply my minimalism to. I am saving them for last:
My beloved earrings and rings
Dishes (my beautiful dish collection!)
Shoes (I don't have many, but now that I do have a red pair I am almost certain I DO NEED a red pair of shoes)
Photos (there is just something about holding a photographic print that melts my heart, and not to mention hours spent in the darkroom)

If you don't want to spend the .99 cents for the ebook mentioned above here is a handy little blog I found that I'll be reading soon enough. BecomingMinimalist.com and this one too, http://unclutterer.com/

30 things by 30

I have been terrible at updating my blog!!!! But what's even worse is how terrible I have been at updating my other blog (the photo one) April 8th! April 8th is the last time I updated it! Gahhh!
oh well. hahahah! I have been busy. I think I'm always saying that.... I've been trying to find ways to simplify my life and reduce stress. I got done with the school semester and thought I would be able to breathe... But I got called to the Relief Society Presidency in my ward and haven't been as good at adjusting as probably the other girls in the presidency.   I've been busy with that, among other things.

Anyways, somehow I came across this post on a blog. I don't know how i find these things sometimes.... And here is the original list from Glamour "30 things every woman should have and should know by the time she's 30."  Hmmm that would be fun to see how I measure up now that I'm 30.... 

So here we go! I'll mark the ones that I feel like I have or know in blue :)

By 30, you should have …

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come 
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. (I don't think my 700 dollar couches from craig'slist count even though they weren't previously owned, I wouldn't consider them "decent")
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying. (mine aren't anything spectacular but I'm not picky. they do the job.)
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age. :(
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it. (Man this one has been weighing on me heavily since my Human Development Class and since watching my parents deal with their aging bodies. I am glad to say I did put some money away for retirement, no matter how small it is)
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account — all of which nobody has access to but you. (Yes! I LOVE LOVE that I have my own bank account. oh the freedom! And I love it!)
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded. (Mine could use some updating)
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. (I have the best friends and sisters in the whole world!)
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it. (I'm counting my camera, camera equipment and car for this one)
13. The belief that you deserve it. (still working on the belief that I deserve other things in my life)
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30. (I'm working on this one too. it's been a challenge)
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know …
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself. (I hope I know this.... correct me if I'm wrong!)
2. How you feel about having kids. (this one changes periodically as I get older)
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. Where to go — be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat — when your soul needs soothing.
9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love. 
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault. (Boo! this is a work in progress as well hahaha!)
15. Why they say life begins at 30

Whelp! there you have it! Looks like I have my work cut out for me! Let's revisit this list when I'm 40, shall we!? should be good times :)

Creepy facebook posts

Why does it creep me out so bad that this guy always posts things like this on his facebook wall?
Girls post things like this all the time on pinterest. but they're girls!



A lot of posts about facebook lately. Maybe because that is my only means to the "outside world" right now. I just use facebook to judge people. hahahaha!

Lowest of the low in dating

There are rules to dating. I don't care what anyone says there are rules. And within those rules for dating there are rules or steps to follow  when asking someone out. It's not like they are super hard to follow.

Steps to asking someone out on a date:

1. Select the girl you'd like to ask out
2. Call in advance and ask ( if you ask out any later than three days you can hope to get a date but don't expect a girl to be free)
3. Set a date and time
4. Make a plan for what you will do on said date (this one can happen at any point in the asking out process as long as it is decided before you pick her up, and it can even be tentative idea of what you want to do as long as you don't pick her up and then ask her, "So. What do you want to do?")

That's it! easy peasy!

Ask any girl and most of the time she will say she appreciates it when a guy calls to ask you out, rather than sends a text, email, facebook chat etc. And there is another handful of girls who will say the despise when a guy asks them out over text or facebook. And will even turn down a date if it is approached that way.

I agree it is annoying. but I don't get all huffy about it. I understand it can be intimidating to ask someone out but at some point you just have to man up and just do it. I have found in such cases it is best, when someone asks you out over text, to say something like, "I'd love to go out. Give me a call and we can decide when" or something like that. you get the point.

But I have witnessed over the past week, two displays of the lowest of the low in asking for a date. Asking for a date via facebook status. This is different from asking a specific girl over chat. It is posting on your facebook wall or you singles ward's facebook group page that you are looking for a date if anyone is interested.

See examples posted on my singles ward facebook page: 

"So I was invited to a red carpet movie premiere of Richard Dutcher's "Fallen" tonight and was told I should try to find a date. Short notice I know but any girls out there have a nice dress/outfit that they don't get a chance to wear, maybe even an old prom dress, and wouldn't mind going with me, just get a hold of me. Just so you know though this is an opportunity mainly for networking within the film industry more than anything else. There is somewhat of a "wrap party" after the premiere as well, which is the better opportunity for meeting people."

Comment from another guy in the ward: "Ladies, you're idiots if you don't take him up on this offer."

"I'm looking for a date this Friday night. If you like to dance, or are ok with learning, and would like to go on a casual date, message me with your contact info and I'll be in touch. Thanks!"

This was my comment, but then decided to just post it here, rather than start any confrontation or fights on our ward's facebook group page:
"So.... I love you boys... and I admire all the courage it takes to ask girls out. But if it is a DATE you are looking for and it is at all important that you actually find someone to take, what if you think of a girl you'd like to get to know better or someone that you think would enjoy that particular activity and give her a call....? Just saying that way she will feel like you really want her there and you will for sure have a date for that night."

If this happens again.... a guy asking for a date by posting it on his facebook wall, I swear it to you I will post this! And by that point I may not even be so nice about it!

Dating has reached an all time low and I am sad to have just witnessed it. Twice!

More eggs

I've spent the day online trying to find a college that offers two psychology classes online at a price that I can possibly afford. The local community college doesn't offer them online. (a must because I can't possibly spend four nights a week in class) and everywhere else I've looked one online class is like $1000+.  To be honest I am feeling a little bit discouraged. anyways...

Brilliant idea! maybe I should donate my eggs!
I have perfectly good ones. I'm not using them. And I could really use the money...
That would probably pay for a whole year of college! This is the best idea I've ever had!

Well I'm sad to report that I only have one more month until I no longer meet the minimum requirements.
Because it is such a lengthy process, that probably won't do...

Doh! *hand to head* Why didn't I think of this before I got so old!? hahah!

I was reading about the differences between women donating eggs and men donating sperm.... If I was a man I would be donating sperm like it was my job! That is some easy money! :)

Courage is not the absence of fear

Speaking of courage...

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."

Ambrose Redmoon

Yesterday I came across this quote on a blog, "Untangled: A psychologists reflections on therapy and life"
I admit my inner nerd came out when I saw the word psychologist. hehe It's a great post on fear and living passionately.
I just felt like it was such a perfect definition of courage because so many of us believe that courage is the absence of fear. But courage is moving forward in the face of fear. I feel like fear is what keeps us from being our true authentic selves. It keeps us from being vulnerable.

Real Courage

A few weeks ago I bore my testimony in sacrament meeting. woo! i did it..... jk that's not the point. 

In my testimony I mentioned that I am raising my niece. (keep in mind I attend a singles ward) And a week prior to that I was asked to share an experience where Relief Society has touched my life for a video that would be shown at a stake relief society meeting, in which I shared that I was divorced. boo hoo. what's the big deal right? Well it was a big deal, for me.... for a long time I have tried to keep my two lives separate. 

My life 1) I'm a single 29 year old girl who has a bachelors in fine art and attends a singles ward, and tries to date and be social like a "normal" single person.

My life 2) I'm a single mom who works part time at an art publisher, has been divorced for 4 years and who struggles to be social and tries to make room for dating.

By announcing to the whole ward and stake that I'm divorced and have a child, well, it's really scary and I know it comes with a lot of stigma and judgement, and most of all I know that maybe it even decreases my chances of getting a date. And sometimes people are a little uncomfortable with this info, like they wish they hadn't asked because they don't know what to say.  "oh" *insert awkward silence here* It's okay I'm used to it.

I'm not ready to start bringing sydney along when I hang out with friends but I am ready for people to know the real me and to understand why I seem antisocial and non-committal when it comes to social events and parties. 

Often times we think that by showing certain parts of ourselves, the parts that we don't want others to see, the parts that we are embarrassed about, that we are exposing our weaknesses.  But I don't think it is shows weakness at all. I think it is shows our courage. It takes courage to show all of who we are, to wear our heart on our sleeves. It takes courage to own the parts of ourselves that we don't like. It takes courage and and huge amount of strength the admit "what I'm going through is hard and I need someone to listen and maybe even a hug," or "I feel overwhelmed and I could use help." That takes real courage, real power, real strength. And it's inspiring. I get inspired when someone says "this is who I really am and this is how I really feel" even when it's not a good day, even when it's not the "best" part of who they are. That takes real courage.

They are showing the best part of who they are. STRENGTH and COURAGE.

Photo from: Fierce Inc.

Vulnerability and wholehearted living

This woman is my hero. I read her book, "The Gifts of Imperfection" and then ran into this amazing video. I just love this video. I have so many things that I could say about it. there are so many profound insights. But what i love is the scientific evidence as a result of research of things i've heard and read in other places.
difference between wholehearted livers:
belief of worthiness of love and belonging
fully embraced vulnerability - (i call this finding our perfection)

vulnerability and wholehearted living
-courage to be vulnerable to be imperfect
-compassion with selves and others
-connection as a result of authenticity

I received the facebook invite from a super cute girl in my ward, announcing her wedding, to get addresses: "I'm getting married!"

My first thought: "good, now there is one less cute girl to compete with. Maybe if all the cute girls would hurry and get married, maybe I would stand a chance." hahah!

I guess that's a step up from what usually goes through my mind...

"How did she find someone decent?" "Why can't I find someone like that?"  and "They have no idea what they are doing. Bless their hearts and I hope it works out for them."

The worst audiobook in the history of audiobooks

I just tried to listen the to worst audiobook ever, for the second time. Sometimes I listen to audiobooks at work but both times I've tried to listen to it I have almost fallen asleep at work, so bad that I can't finish the book. I've heard so many amazing things about "The Power of Now" and really wanted read it. I was so excited to be enlightened by the message. This book was narrated by the author, worst decision ever. His voice is so boring or soothing. I can't figure it out and maybe it's bot. I either fall asleep or my mind starts wandering and 30 minutes later I have no idea what I just listened to.

I'm sure this is a good book to read but I would never recommend the audiobook to anyone. 

I can't even give any insight on the contents of the book because honestly, I listened to one hour and I have no idea!

Maybe some day I will actually read it but for now it's time to move on.

So after my last attempt at dating I decided that I get to take a break. I wanted to take time to focus on me for three months and try not to worry about how many weekends it's been since my last date, (4 to be exact, but I'm not counting or anything....) if I would ever get married, or if there were any dateable guys out there. And, absolutely no online dating subscriptions! even if I'm bored...

Well, I got asked out on a date.... by someone I know I would never want to date.... who this guy is, the fact that he's been turned down by almost every girl in the ward, and why I said yes is unimportant.

The real issue at hand is do I cancel or just go on a quickie date and get it over with? I don't want to go, just on principle. I'm not saying that if the right guy came along I would refuse a date with him but I am definitely not looking for dates.  But I swore off dating for three months, and do I ruin it for a date with someone I don't even want to go out with? It's the principle of the matter!

To freeze eggs or not to freeze eggs

I never really considered what it must be like to be the single, mid 30s girl. The old adage your biological clock is ticking was just a joke my friends and I threw around like it would never happen to us. When I turned 29 several men (brothers and coworker/friends) in my life reminded me that my biological clock was ticking, and that my eggs were "getting old" or "drying up". Honestly, I never considered it much. My biggest concern was if I  waited too long, would I be able to keep up with my kids when we do overnight back packing trips as a family. I always wanted to be young enough to still "play with my kids."

However, in talking to a few of my single guy friends about their dating prospects, it turns out they take this age thing and a woman's fertility to heart.... and many are bypassing the "older" girl for someone younger. Surprisingly, this is not because she possess young soft delicate skin, nor is it because her boobs and butt are still perky, or can sport the au natural hair color, (although I'm sure all that stuff helps) but because she is young and they don't have to worry about infertility.

Like I said, I never really worried about not being able to have children, but now that I think of it, the reality is that it's only 5 small years away. I'm not so much worried about not being able to get pregnant or bear children, (because the women in my family are notoriously known as "fertile Myrtles") as much as I am worried about being counted in the group of women that are "too old" to date. I can't just announce or go around wearing a sign assuring every single guy that my eggs are in fact still good and plentiful.

Well, I came across this article, "Freezing Eggs Extends Fertility Options." I honestly considered it for a a minute and read the article... hmmm.... Maybe I should freeze my eggs. just in case... But again, would I really want to be chasing a two year old around when I'm 45 or wishing I could have participated in backpacking trips with my kids at 55?

Anyways, I decided not to freeze my eggs.

lessons from "The Bachelor"

This has got to be the most awkward kiss of all time. So many lessons, of what not to do, from this clip I don't even know where to start. just watch.

my worst swimming nightmare come true

This week is my spring break and next week is Sydney's so I'm trying to cram some fun things in between everything else I have to do. I picked her up from school yesterday and took her to the pool. To my horror I realized I forgot my swimming shorts. Yes I still wear swimming shorts like an insecure 14 year old girl, because I am insecure. I can't remember the last time I didn't wear shorts swimming. 5 grade, before that boy called me "thunder thighs," probably?

I had a moment of panic in the locker room and then put my jeans back on over my swimsuit and headed out to the pool area. I found a lawn chair, farthest away from everyone else, yet closest to the pool so the walk from my stuff to the pool wouldn't be so long, and then I sat there.... at least 10 minutes.... I finally talked myself into taking off my jeans and proceeded to walk to the pool as fast and nonchalantly as I could. But definitely not too fast so as not to cause everything to jiggle as I walked. So... smooth and fast and trying to look like I felt totally cool with the situation. "I'm cool, I am totally comfortable with my legs exposed and with my body, so cool that there is nothing to stare at. I'm cool. so just go back to reading your book or watching your kid in the pool. K? K."

This is how bad I wanted to swim. I did make it to the pool and thanked the heavens that there were not super hot skinny girls in bikinis and no cute guys. I don't know why that would make me feel so self conscious. If everyone was equally out of shape and lacked perfect bodies like me then I would be fine but when there are gorgeous people around I feel about the size of a pea but a super huge one.

Divorce Anniversary - 4 years

Yesterday was my Divorce anniversary.  Yep, Folks! It's been four years!

When I was thinking about getting divorced, and vacillating between staying and being a "good wife" and supporting my husband and "working it out," and ending it, calling it quits because I deserved better, and could be happier, I read an article. I must find it. It was from a former bishop who counseled with a woman who was unhappy with her marriage and eventually got divorced. The bishop ran into the woman a few years later and asked how she was doing and if she was happy. She expressed regret, loneliness, and sadness. I'm sure it was intended to make people think about if divorce really was the best idea. Honestly, it put some fear into me. "Is that going to be me?" "Will I regret this and will I be unhappy and lonely forever?"

Whelp, I can assure it is not me and I am not unhappy and lonely! Four years later and I can confidently say I am happy with my decision. I can't even imagine my life if I had stayed married. Actually I can. I tried many times while I was still married and struggling with what my future would be. I pictured myself with five teenage kids and either finding out about my husband's most recent affair or forever suspecting and questioning if he was having one. I imagined finally being fed up with it and getting a divorce after 20 years and trying to re-enter the job force.

I am so grateful for the decision I made, for the inner knowing and divine guidance I received. Most importantly, I am grateful for the feeling of peace that I felt with that decision, because that was my biggest fear. I feared that I wouldn't know what I should do or that I wouldn't recognize the answer to my prayers. I worried that I wouldn't know what my heart wanted.

I know divorce is not for everyone and is not the cure all, or by all means the easy, quitters way out (as I always believed). But for me, in my situation, it was the threshold that I had to cross to experience true peace, connection, and love in my life.

Times I wish I was married

Times when I wish I was married:

Valentines day this year. I usually prefer being single on valentines day but this year I really wanted to do something special for someone special. I really wanted to buy this card

When Sydney is being especially sassy and naughty it would be nice to have someone back me up and tell her to be nice to her mom. Like a dad... to tackle the parenting world with. (I admit I get envious when I see a husband step in and tell their child to stop arguing with their mother. silly I know.)

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to take vacations with. I am envious of other family's vacations. hahah! I really want to go camping... but for some reason I think Sydney and I would get so bored with each other.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to in the morning. I do miss that ever so much....

puppies and kitties and joy

Remember when as a kid all you wanted was a new puppy or kitty. And you swore you would never want anything else ever again. you don't even care if you get anything else for christmas....

It's easy to think after this big hurdle, after this trial, after this big mountain everything will be better. we will finally be able to do all those things we've dreamed of doing. It will solve all of my problems.

Believe me, I lived this for 4+ years. When I was married it was always after I graduate, after my husband graduates, after this big raise next year, and then after pharmacy school.... then... then we can finally be happy and enjoy our lives but tomorrow is promised to no one. Since then, I admit I have at times thought if I got married I would be happy. that is all I want. That is all I'll ask for this Christmas, I swear! Well... no matter where you are there will be something more to achieve, something more that you will want, something else that could cause unhappiness, that could make you wish for the grass that is greener on the other side of the fence.

I can only imagine after I finally met the man of my dreams I would want a cute little house that I can make a home, and to finally be able to cook dinners in my bright little kitchen. And don't forget the baby. After I meet the man of my dreams I will want a baby. And family vacations to the beach... The real trick is choosing peace and joy now and finding the beauty in the journey.

reminder - embrace the experience

Listening to this podcast today I am reminded to "embrace the experience," let it "teach and refine" me.
Going through my divorce I unintentionally learned the value in learning from every experience you have and finding joy regardless of the trials you are experiences.  But the lessons I learned from that one experience often gets forgotten amid 29 years of doing things a different way. Breaking that habit of negative thinking takes constant attention and practice, practice, practice. A lot of times I forget what I've learned and allow fear to overshadow what I know.

I'm kind of slow..... so I need these constant reminders.

Foreign women/single mothers/desperate psychos

In this post about what not to do when online dating, for men, I mentioned don't be bitter or have a "chip on your shoulder" as my mom would put it.
Case in point. Here is what one bitter guy wrote on his profile after canceling his subscription.

(Good to know I fit in with the "Foreign women and desperate psychos"........ see the list of types of women who join dating sites below.)

My membership is up in a couple of days and I've decided not to renew. It was a good experiment but for me the whole online dating thing is a scam. I think it's a great idea for women but not so good for men. The reason why it works so well for females is that men typically outnumber the women in online dating sites. With an oversupply of men, they can have their pick of the litter. Indeed, any female posting a profile to an online dating site usually gets deluged with e-mails from interested men. With so many e-mails and only a finite amount of time to answer them, naturally they will screen in only the best-looking and richest men. I recently found a blog that read: "One man posting a profile said he found that for every four hundred e-mails he sends to women, he will get maybe one or two positive responses back. Not dates, just responses. One response for every four hundred e-mails? Yikes! With results like that, it’s not hard to see that his chances of actually getting a date are pretty slim.

A number of years ago, German researchers found that people have to date a minimum of thirteen people before they find a suitable long-term partner. Let’s assume the prospective suitor I mentioned earlier does get one date for every four hundred e-mails he sends. That’s four hundred times thirteen, or 5,200 e-mails to find a partner! I can’t imagine any man having the kind of time or energy on his hands to carry out such a Herculean task."

In my experience there are a few different types of women who join a dating sites:

A) Stuck-up, snooty women who think they are God’s gift to men. With the tons of e-mail they get from hopeful suitors, they acquire both swelled heads and a wildly unrealistic opinion of their market value in the dating world. Women like this are clearly suffering from what I call ‘Princess Syndrome’. A characteristic symptom of the malady is having a stringent laundry list of ‘requirements’ and ‘standards’ few men could ever hope to meet.

B) Attention junkies/professional daters - sucked in by the endless choice online dating appears to offer, keep looking for the Bigger, Better Deal. Ad nauseam. Scratch a professional dater, and you’ll likely find someone with a serious fear of commitment lurking underneath.

C) Gold Diggers - No explanation required

D) Teases who get off on rejecting men for sport

E) Foreign women/single mothers/desperate psychos.

Bottom line is that it's a bad deal for men but a good deal for women. It was so confusing as to why beautiful women (and yes match.com has some very beautiful women) would feel the need to join a dating site...but not so confusing after examining a, b, & c from above. If any guys are reading this...I would recommend spending your time and cheddar elsewhere.

losing strength in my resolve

I unsubscribed to my Match.com account a while ago, but I still get emails informing me when someone sends me a flirt.

I know. I know. I know. I've sworn off online dating for at least three months. ( I even have a friend to call and talk me down off the ledge, when I'm feeling weak, bored, curious, or desperate because I haven't had a date for 4 weeks) But I can't help but be curious who just sent me a flirt. So I check.... and look at their profile...

Rant starting in 3... 2....1....

It is so hard to resist or stay strong with my resolve to only date "good" lds guys. (goes to church, doesn't drink, obeys the law of chastity, etc) It seems like most of the "good" lds guys that ever show interest in me are for lack of better word, goobers.... (basically i'm not attracted to them or they are super awkward or shy, there's something that is "off" as my mom say. hahahah!)
But I get winks/emails (online) or guys asking me out that are not "good" lds guys but are actually cute and seem normal. It's frustrating! Hedge315... is 34 and cute and foxy and likes to cook, and loves camping, and seems really great and did I mention cute!? he has a scruffy beard is the perfect height....

When lds goobers are interested I can blame it on me. (I'm a goober. I'm not good enough for anything better. I'm too picky. etc) But when there are other guys who are actually cute, and seem normal and not like goobers that would actually want to get to know me and take me out and date me.... I can't help but feel frustrated and think "see I'm not that bad after all and maybe I could be with someone normal..."

There are two explanations that come to mind:

1) The normal and attractive lds guys are all married or have gone inactive, started drinking etc which puts them in the category that I'm talking about that is cute and normal and would actually want to date me. (I really need to come up with a name for this guy besides cute, normal guy who drinks... hahaha)

2) And the few normal attractive lds guys who actually do go to church and live the gospel have 200 girls to choose from and have thus become picky. It's no fault of their own. It is just a byproduct of the lds single culture. But I don't make the cut.

I swear I've ranted about this before.... But it takes all I have to not throw in the towel and just date someone I want to date, that's actually cute and normal. And if I hit 45 and am not married yet that's exactly what I'm going to do. 

A mother of one battles with 7 years of infertility
Injury and surgery after surgery
A husband and father works overtime to pay medical bills and for his son's mission
A wife's battle with breast cancer
A Father and husband loses his job
Wife coping with her husband's progressing mental illness
A friend facing loneliness
Divorce and infidelity
A wife hurting because her husband tells her he doesn't love her anymore

My heart aches today. It aches for everyone around me. How can there be so much pain? And I think of my own trials and how trivial and insignificant they are, but how they seem so hard. Yet all the things I normally worry about are so silly, like dating, and reorganizing Sydney's room, and what to paint for my next watercolor project, and if I should give into the temptation to buy new black church shoes or save the money. None of that even matters. I can't believe I worried about such stupid things. Lately I've been excited about my own future. But today... I feel scared.

YES! you finished your paper!

This is me every wednesday night. 

The mean girls club

Something has been weighing heavily on my mind lately that I feel I need to write about.

Yesterday sydney came home saying she wants to move to another school....
The source of this desire is not new, but it has escalated so bad that she wants to move. And I want to jump in and move her, to fix it, to make things better. But I know in moving we would just be leaving one bad situation to another.

When most people think of bullying they think of the big, mean boy in fifth grade picking on the little third graders and pushing them over on the bus..... But the type of bullying that so often goes under the radar, the type that President Obama's anti-bullying campaign does not address, the type that is overlooked so often by school teachers principals and counselors,  is the kind of bullying that Sydney has become so entangled in.  I'm not discounting Pres Obama's efforts to help minorities and underprivileged students, or the countless people who are fighting to stop bullying. But there is so much being done about bullying but no one recognizes the "relational aggression" and "social cruelty" that most girls in school experience. Relational aggression is different from bullying, where children often "use social power to have influence over their peers." ("How to bully proof young girls") And I am one of those guilty of discounting it... Until now.

When Sydney first came to me complaining about the girls in her class being mean I told her ignore them. I later found out that they were her friends, so I told her to just play with other kids, make new friends. I started suspecting that she was being bullied and couldn't understand why she would want to be their friend. But it goes deeper than that...

This is a case of Queen Bees and Wannabes, the mean girls club as seen on the movie, Mean Girls (yeah that hilarious movie back in 2004 about the mean girls club). But sydney is in third grade.... and those are about girls in high school. And the kind of social cruelty that Sydney is involved in is way worse than that shown in the movie.... The movie shows the cruelty that goes on but doesn't bring to light the kind of emotional damage relational aggression does. You can't just solve this problem by gathering all the girls together and having them say you're sorry and sharing little pieces of the homecoming crown, although it did make you feel all warm and fuzzy when watching the movie.  It is more complicated than that, more complicated and requires more than even the weekly sessions these girls are attending with the school counselor.

Now that I am learning more about relational aggression I realized this started much earlier than third grade. I clearly remember a conversation I had with Sydney's kindergarten teacher when I addressed some concerns. Her response, all girls go through this where they are just learning the new dynamics of being school with other kids, and finding where they fit in... Yeah! They're learning to navigate the earliest years of the mean girls club and what it takes to fit in!

I wish I could say that Sydney is the innocent one in all of this... But I am only getting her side of the story (hence, why I thought it was a case of  basic "bullying"). But after talking to her teacher, I've learned no one is innocent. She is playing her own role as everyday there is a different girl getting her feelings hurt. There is so much "bullying" and social cruelty going on in this group of "friends". And as a parent I feel helpless. I am not there to be like "you girls be nice now!" And like that would ever work! ha!

Well I started reading a book, "Little Girls can be Mean," by Michelle Anthony M.A PhD and Reyna Lindert PhD.  I'm hoping to learn what I can do, but I feel hopeless when there is so much going on at school. I know I have to let Sydney learn how to handle each situation as it comes and how to be a good friend and how to influence others for good.

Here is another interesting article on "How Girls Bully" and mentions some of the ways Sydney's group of friends interact from day to day.

I had a baby

I love when I have dreams and actually remember them. I rarely remember my dreams so when I do I get really excited.

In my dream last night I had a baby. I had a baby.... Its a weird thought but it felt very natural in my dream. I was struggling to get her out of a car seat because it had like a thousand latches, literally it had like 8 or something but then I turned on the light and it was easy all of a sudden. I held her for a minute, kissed her head and told her she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I remember wondering where I was going to fit a bassinet for her to sleep in. I asked my mom "how do I know if she is too hot or too cold?" And then I wished I would have read that book "What to expect when you are expecting" and thought, maybe my sister, Carly still has hers that I can borrow...

And that was it.

Pretty normal... right?  My dreams aren't ever too crazy, just pieces of my life with a little twist. According to a few websites babies signify:
innocence, warmth and new life
something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, and uncorrupted
the need for self-nurturing and taking care of my own inner child
new beginning or phase in your life.


I like to think this is true... Maybe I am approaching a new idea of nurturing myself and my inner child. I have never in my life put a conscious effort in taking care of myself spiritually and emotionally like I have been recently. And considering the main story line of my dream maybe I am still just feeling my way around and learning how to take care of myself. It is so typical of me to think I should read a book to figure out how to do that... hehe. I am new at this self love and self nurturing thing, but I feel hopeful about the peace and inner harmony that I want to have.

Photo by Alisa Groves Photography

Jobs I secretly want:

esthetician - so I can pick people's zits. I know you're cringing right now. "ewe!" whatevs. Everyone likes picking their zits.... I'm just willing to admit it. And I'm kinda bitter that my esthetician can pick at my face but she chastises me for picking at my own face.

homemaker - so I can sit at home on my butt, watch soap operas, talk on the phone with my sister and go to lunch with the girls. hahah! no... but really there are times, I admit, that I think it would be so nice to be able to spend more time at home and then I think maybe I could focus on other things that fall to the bottom of my to do list like clean my bathroom... But I know that's not how it really is... hahaha! we all know it's impossible to keep things clean with kids around.

my hormones hahahahah!

It all started with bad ugly skin. I've had bad acne for 4 years now. I looked like a 14 year old boy in that awkward, going through puberty stage. I've always had decent skin even when I was going through that awkward puberty stage, until  I stopped taking birth control.... My skin went out of control. In denial I tried several cleansers, skin treatments, and  supplements. Nothing seemed to work.  I admit it has taken quite the tole on my self esteem. I had no idea...

Oh this post is going to personal in a girly kinda way... right now....

It wasn't until I started having crazy periods (read: being on my period almost everyday of the month since oct 2011)

I finally saved enough pennies to go see  a hormone specialist. (literally any change I had at the end of the day as well as extra cash at the end of a pay check went into a piggy bank)  But first I went to a gyno to see if it could be caused by something other than hormones. (I dunno cancer or something crazy scary like that.) She wanted to put me on antidepressants and birth control. No way! I wanted to avoid the birth control at all costs since it feels like that is what got me in this mess in the first place and because I'm a freaky new age hippie that way... And I know I don't have depression.

Anyways back to the hormone specialist. I had never been so excited to go the the dr.....
After spitting into a tube, cracking an egg into a pan, a dash of salt and some chanting to the dark side (jk on the egg, salt and chanting) here are my results.  It feels so good to finally know what is wrong with me and what I can do about it.

The culprit: 
Chronic stress/Adrenal exhaustion (causing my crazy periods)
Too much testosterone (causing my horrible acne) yeah I was basically turning into a man...

Basically my adrenals are fatigued because I am constantly running on adrenalin. You know that stuff that makes it so zebra's can run from a predator. That's how it's supposed to work... But my adrenals are always working overtime because of "chronic unresolved stress".  I'm not running from predators.  I'm facing ongoing stress every moment of every day.

Symptoms, What I was experiencing (most of it I didn't know was even related):
anxiety
acne (crazy bad acne!)
irregular periods (long ongoing never ending periods)
hair loss (it was the worst when I was going through my divorce)
depression (i'm always in denial about this one hehe)
mood swings
fatigue
memory lapse
allergies, especially around my dear cat
cold body temperature
sugar cravings
weight gain

Remedy:
sleep (again all signs point to sleep... you'd think I'd start to get more sleep)
reduce stress and stress management
meditation
supplements
natural balancing hormones
healthful diet (less carbs)
exercise
protein before bed


One week later..............

What I've tried:

Meditation - It's hard to make time for this, and trying to fit it in causes a little stress.

Listening to instrumental music, like an old lady

Going to bed earlier - This still feels impossible for me especially when I'm dating but I went to bed at 11:30 the other night!

Supplements, and prescribed hormones - I'm taking a total of 8 pills every morning with my new stuff and my old multivitamins. It's killing me!

Allowing myself to rest if I feel tired 

Being realistic about how much I can accomplish (my to do lists are so small now! i feel a little lazy)

What I've experienced:
Tired as hell, even after having had 8 hours of sleep the night before. For three or four days I was so incredibly exhausted. By 6pm I felt like I might fall over. I HAD to sleep, and not just a little nap, deep sleep.
I admit at first I started stressing about how to get rid of stress. hahhahaha!
Falling asleep one page into reading my human development book (before and after I started the new hormone therapy)
Having to let go of some things that I would normally do, like photography
Fighting the urge to start new projects

Dr Scoville warned me that I would feel "tired"  in the beginning and to remind myself that, "my adrenals are resting. I'm just resting."

Things I still need/want to do:
Eliminate some stressors that I've been procrastinating. (like filing taxes, wisdom teeth extraction, to name the easiest ones)
Replace stressors with things that make me feel happiest (like the beach, creating art, laughing more, camping, going for walks or jogging)
Yoga
Eating less carbs
Prayer
Get more faith. (Something I have always struggled with. I say "get more" because it's easy to say "have more" but it's another thing to actually do it. how do I have more? where do I get more? how can I find it? where do I get it from? how can I create it? It has to come from somewhere.... how?)

Book: "The Gifts of Imperfection"

I realized why I love this blog so much.

I just finished "reading a book" (listening to an audiobook) called, "The Gifts of Imperfection Let Go of Who you Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brene Brown. I loved this book. I will probably listen to it again. I started out by taking notes. One saturday morning, as I knelt beside my bed trying to take down the latest nugget of wisdom, I realized that I was never going to get my room cleaned. ever.... if I kept trying to take notes. So I conceded to just listening and hoping the most important parts would sink in, way down deep.

Although this book is about embracing who you are and living a wholehearted life, Dr Brene Brown's research focuses on shame. Her book draws the connection between shame and feelings of imperfection and not being enough. (something I have always struggled with)

here are just a few of my notes:

Practice courage, compassion, connection = worthiness
Steps for shame resilience:
1) name it
2) talk about it
3) own your story
4) share your story
Authenticity = Embracing who we are. Letting go of who we think we should be.

My reasons for this blog are purely selfish and self serving. There is something so therapeutic and healing about sharing your story. It's owning who I really am and embracing myself in all of my imperfections. It's being honest about who I am and my story. It's letting go of the shame that comes with telling others my feelings, fears, what makes me sad, what I want most of all. (that and I think there is a lot of funny stuff that happens in my dating life. hahahah!)

I also think that in embracing and owning who I am, it gives permission to others to cut the crap, stop putting on the front that they are perfect and have perfect lives, and be honest and own who they are. It gives permission to say, "I'm sad today," when someone asks how we are. It's being able to say, "things aren't turning out the way I wanted, but I hope it turns out for the best in the end." It gives permission to say "I'm unhappy in my marriage. I'm scared and I need someone to listen." "I'm frustrated with my kids, and I don't know what to do." It's being able to say, "I have this great opportunity and I'm trying not to get too excited but I really hope it works out." We can have more compassion for ourselves and others and know that we are all doing the best that we know how. It opens up the doorway for deeper connection and compassion and love.

Do only beautiful people fall in love? right now it seems that way....
Damn, pinterest! Damn, blogs containing beautiful people in their fake dreamy lives!

some bitter person in my singles ward posted this on facebook...... I would be curious to see how true it is. There do seem to be a small handful of girls and guys in the singles ward that everyone wants to date...

or is it just that only one percent of the ward is actually dating....

There is a problem with trusting statistics like this... and granted this one is probably made up, it would be interesting to know the real percentages of dating in the singles ward....