Although it appears as if I have not written a blog post for two weeks, If you were to look at my blog interface you would see that I actually have been writing. I just haven't posted any of them. hahahaha! I start a post and then never finish it or sometimes I like to sleep on what I've written in case I was just writing nonsense at 3 am and want to change my mind. But I will post them.
I am going proceed to post said entries as I finish them. And it will be fun to see what craziness was going on in my head two weeks ago. :)

But today.... I am a mess. I admit it! I am on am emotional roller coaster today, due to lack of sleep, girl stuff, confusion, and this relentless feeling, like being stuck in quick sand, is bearing down on me. I have this amazing coworker, who sometimes feels like my little silent cheerleader. She has this way of looking at a situation and finding the perfection and beauty and hope in it and making things seem possible and okay. She pointed out to me that sometimes it takes feeling this way to get oneself  to move. I am feeling like this because I am not where I am supposed to be, and it's a good thing to feel this way because otherwise I wouldn't do anything about it. I would just be complacent and not do anything to put myself where I am meant to be. She asked me if I could do anything and time and money was not an object what would it be....
I'd go back to school. so I'm going back to school.
I've been obsessing about it  for a few weeks (because that's what I do). Should I do it? Should I not? should I stick with the photography thing? Should I take the raise at my job and work more hours, and stay there? But if money and time were not an issue I would go to school and get a "real" job. No more waiting around for something to happen and for everything to fit perfectly before I take a step.  I just have to take a step or I may drown in sand.

So... I was just thinking about kissing and... dating.... hahah! This is going to be a good one.

Anyways, kissing can be really nice. :)  But also kind of scary.  I'm not talking about the scary, where you might miss and accidentally collide faces or something ultra awkward like that...  (although that is a real fear of mine)

Let me illustrate: ugh! okay basically...  I've gone on some dates with a few guys. They have all been good guys and dates and fun and what not. But I fear I am not ready to date any one of them exclusively (for reasons I am not completely clear on because there may be a few....).  I was wondering, how long can I not kiss someone, for fear that if they catch me at a weak moment and do kiss me, sealing my fate. If I kiss a guy does that automatically mean that I can't date anyone else or does that mean that I just can't kiss anyone else? Or does it just mean that I wanted to let that guy kiss me and so I did?  I don't want to be a lip slut but these lips are just too good to let go to waste. hahaha! kidding!  I am definitely not a lip slut, probably to the extreme...

I know I could just do the "turn your head" move so he kisses my cheek or something like that to avoid said kiss..... It can be tricky to know what to do when you are put in a situation where you're thinking, "I think this person might try to kiss me, and I like him and I might just kiss him back if he tries." That feeling can be completely separate from that other feeling where you think, "I really like this person. I only want to date him and no one else". Anyways I was reminded of a video someone showed me when I was first dating after my divorce. I was all sorts of confused about how to handle the craziness of dating and my friend showed me this video. It sort of fits, minus the part where they are talking about the contract being something else, completely different from the commitment I speak of here. hehehe

Am I right? Or am I right!

Or am I wrong.....?

So this blog started out as my own dirty, secret blog that I would write from the darkest parts of my demented, messed up head and the depths of my hardened, black heart.

But I'm not very good at keeping secrets about myself for too long and I guess I honestly never intended it to never be read. I just didn't think it would happen so soon. Anyways, I digress.... And I know a few people read it. It is on the "interwebs" after all!  So I am just going to proceed writing as I normally do; freely, without any thought of the fact that there may be and probably is a different and healthier way of viewing things, knowing that I am a multifaceted person, that more often than not has several conflicting feelings and thoughts all in the same given moment, and that tomorrow I may feel completely different. I am a girl after all! And I reserve the right to change my mind whenever I want.:) These are just the ramblings from my heart as they are.I am taking this new voice that I have worked so hard to uncover and I am running with it. :) Enjoy. Or don't...

Someone told me today that I should not worry about dating guys who are younger than me. Apparently Joe Schmoe, who is 22, is dating some girl that is 30. So go out with that 23 year old guy this weekend. And go out with him, I will, thank you very much!  I am not completely closed off to the whole idea but I admit I am a teensy bit skeptical...

It's hard to believe that I (who has fallen in love, been married, gone to and finished college, put my husband through college, was the poor newly wedded couple struggling to "make ends meet", experienced the heart break that comes with betrayal of a husband, become an instant mom to a three year old, is raising someone elses child with all their baggage, been divorced, experienced the disappointment of losing the future you spent the last 5 years creating and is failing miserably in the world of dating) will be able to have as much connection with a 22 or 23 year old (who, since high school, has been on a mission and two years of college).

I'm not saying that age is that big of a deal. It's just, honestly, easier to relate with someone who has experienced some of the things life throws at you.

Oh and the previously mentioned 23 year old sent me a text tonight to inform me that he did look me up on facebook and realized I am older than him and wanted to let me know that he is only 23. I left it up to him if he still wanted to go out. And I haven't heard back from him yet.....

Sydney asked if she could take her book to school today.... Imagine my surprise and the secret victory dance that was going on in my head.

Reading has been a constant struggle with Sydney. She has always hated reading. It was a huge feat when reading time went from pure torture with bribery, fighting and crying to something she tolerates. But when she asked if she could keep one of the books from the library longer, and then started reading on her own in the car and now wanting to take it to school... I could hardly contain myself! I tried to conceal my excitement this morning so as not to cause her to change her mind.

So I did the happy dance in my head and reveled in the moment on my own.

I'm not sure of the original source of this image but someone posted it on facebook and I love it! And it's true!
I know I'm not any more super awesome than anyone else, but I do feel like I keep getting more awesome than I was when I was 21 or even 25. Or maybe it's just that I have more confidence in who I am and I have learned so much.

Maybe it's just taking me twice as long to catch up to everyone else who is getting married or pregnant. I'm a slow learner....

This one is short and sweet and simple, really. And it's really not that hard, for hell's sake!

Pick up the phone and call a girl to ask her out. Don't just send a text. I'm not quite sure why guys ask girls out over text.... Also nothing says "you are not worth the effort" like texting that same day asking to hang out that night.  It's like I have nothing better to do than to sit by my phone hoping they will text and ask if I wanna do something in an hour?! And then they act all bent out of shape because I'm not going to drop everything to hang out that night.

It's not like I have some super exciting or extensive social life. But I find ways to fill my time so if a guy really wants to spend time with me then be a man, plan the date and call in advance. Or call and then plan the date. whatever. just call and plan.


Like I said my life isn't super exciting. I guess I am a little annoyed by guys acting like I'm the jerk because I can't drop everything at the last minute or I already have plans on the night they want to go out. And a little advanced notice via a phone call would make me feel like they even put any thought into asking me out.

Ah Halloween, my favorite holiday. Really. It really is. This year was kind of different. My ex husband offered to take sydney trick or treating. At first I was really bummed and didn't want to miss out on trick or treating with her. But I asked her and she said she wanted to go with him and her brothers.... So I was on my own. Being the super cool rocking chic that I am, I got all dressed up and headed to my old bishop's house. hahahahah! Didn't I just say I'm cool?! I am! I hung out with three guys from my old ward, two of which harass me like I'm the little sister they never had. On with my super amazing night.... I decided to continue the Partay at.... wait for it.... a stake dance. hahahah!

I just thought I'd share my response to the question "how was the dance?" asked by a friend on chat today. Pretty much sums up my night.

"the dance was okay.... really packed. i dunno what part are you asking about? the music was okay... when I was there there were too many songs that weren't good for dancing, like they were playing them for a dance competition, which was way too long. As far as who was there.... saw kelly and amber. i miss them. it was weird that our group of friends weren't all there to dance together. they were all over in smaller groups.... if that makes sense. so i mostly floated and danced with different people. and as far as new people I didn't know.... i got hit on by a new RM who was actually cute until I found out how old he was (21). and two guys who looked like they were too old to be there and were acting like players with all their smooth lines, but flirting with every girl there. And then I danced with a short 25 year old with an afro and a nasty mustache and a guy in a wheelchair."

Needless to say the dance wasn't super great but I loved being able to get out on the floor and just dance.

*RM meaning a "returned Missionary" usually referring to the newly returned. And in this case he had just gotten home a month ago.