Divorce Anniversary - 4 years

Yesterday was my Divorce anniversary.  Yep, Folks! It's been four years!

When I was thinking about getting divorced, and vacillating between staying and being a "good wife" and supporting my husband and "working it out," and ending it, calling it quits because I deserved better, and could be happier, I read an article. I must find it. It was from a former bishop who counseled with a woman who was unhappy with her marriage and eventually got divorced. The bishop ran into the woman a few years later and asked how she was doing and if she was happy. She expressed regret, loneliness, and sadness. I'm sure it was intended to make people think about if divorce really was the best idea. Honestly, it put some fear into me. "Is that going to be me?" "Will I regret this and will I be unhappy and lonely forever?"

Whelp, I can assure it is not me and I am not unhappy and lonely! Four years later and I can confidently say I am happy with my decision. I can't even imagine my life if I had stayed married. Actually I can. I tried many times while I was still married and struggling with what my future would be. I pictured myself with five teenage kids and either finding out about my husband's most recent affair or forever suspecting and questioning if he was having one. I imagined finally being fed up with it and getting a divorce after 20 years and trying to re-enter the job force.

I am so grateful for the decision I made, for the inner knowing and divine guidance I received. Most importantly, I am grateful for the feeling of peace that I felt with that decision, because that was my biggest fear. I feared that I wouldn't know what I should do or that I wouldn't recognize the answer to my prayers. I worried that I wouldn't know what my heart wanted.

I know divorce is not for everyone and is not the cure all, or by all means the easy, quitters way out (as I always believed). But for me, in my situation, it was the threshold that I had to cross to experience true peace, connection, and love in my life.

Times I wish I was married

Times when I wish I was married:

Valentines day this year. I usually prefer being single on valentines day but this year I really wanted to do something special for someone special. I really wanted to buy this card

When Sydney is being especially sassy and naughty it would be nice to have someone back me up and tell her to be nice to her mom. Like a dad... to tackle the parenting world with. (I admit I get envious when I see a husband step in and tell their child to stop arguing with their mother. silly I know.)

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to take vacations with. I am envious of other family's vacations. hahah! I really want to go camping... but for some reason I think Sydney and I would get so bored with each other.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to in the morning. I do miss that ever so much....

puppies and kitties and joy

Remember when as a kid all you wanted was a new puppy or kitty. And you swore you would never want anything else ever again. you don't even care if you get anything else for christmas....

It's easy to think after this big hurdle, after this trial, after this big mountain everything will be better. we will finally be able to do all those things we've dreamed of doing. It will solve all of my problems.

Believe me, I lived this for 4+ years. When I was married it was always after I graduate, after my husband graduates, after this big raise next year, and then after pharmacy school.... then... then we can finally be happy and enjoy our lives but tomorrow is promised to no one. Since then, I admit I have at times thought if I got married I would be happy. that is all I want. That is all I'll ask for this Christmas, I swear! Well... no matter where you are there will be something more to achieve, something more that you will want, something else that could cause unhappiness, that could make you wish for the grass that is greener on the other side of the fence.

I can only imagine after I finally met the man of my dreams I would want a cute little house that I can make a home, and to finally be able to cook dinners in my bright little kitchen. And don't forget the baby. After I meet the man of my dreams I will want a baby. And family vacations to the beach... The real trick is choosing peace and joy now and finding the beauty in the journey.

reminder - embrace the experience

Listening to this podcast today I am reminded to "embrace the experience," let it "teach and refine" me.
Going through my divorce I unintentionally learned the value in learning from every experience you have and finding joy regardless of the trials you are experiences.  But the lessons I learned from that one experience often gets forgotten amid 29 years of doing things a different way. Breaking that habit of negative thinking takes constant attention and practice, practice, practice. A lot of times I forget what I've learned and allow fear to overshadow what I know.

I'm kind of slow..... so I need these constant reminders.

Foreign women/single mothers/desperate psychos

In this post about what not to do when online dating, for men, I mentioned don't be bitter or have a "chip on your shoulder" as my mom would put it.
Case in point. Here is what one bitter guy wrote on his profile after canceling his subscription.

(Good to know I fit in with the "Foreign women and desperate psychos"........ see the list of types of women who join dating sites below.)

My membership is up in a couple of days and I've decided not to renew. It was a good experiment but for me the whole online dating thing is a scam. I think it's a great idea for women but not so good for men. The reason why it works so well for females is that men typically outnumber the women in online dating sites. With an oversupply of men, they can have their pick of the litter. Indeed, any female posting a profile to an online dating site usually gets deluged with e-mails from interested men. With so many e-mails and only a finite amount of time to answer them, naturally they will screen in only the best-looking and richest men. I recently found a blog that read: "One man posting a profile said he found that for every four hundred e-mails he sends to women, he will get maybe one or two positive responses back. Not dates, just responses. One response for every four hundred e-mails? Yikes! With results like that, it’s not hard to see that his chances of actually getting a date are pretty slim.

A number of years ago, German researchers found that people have to date a minimum of thirteen people before they find a suitable long-term partner. Let’s assume the prospective suitor I mentioned earlier does get one date for every four hundred e-mails he sends. That’s four hundred times thirteen, or 5,200 e-mails to find a partner! I can’t imagine any man having the kind of time or energy on his hands to carry out such a Herculean task."

In my experience there are a few different types of women who join a dating sites:

A) Stuck-up, snooty women who think they are God’s gift to men. With the tons of e-mail they get from hopeful suitors, they acquire both swelled heads and a wildly unrealistic opinion of their market value in the dating world. Women like this are clearly suffering from what I call ‘Princess Syndrome’. A characteristic symptom of the malady is having a stringent laundry list of ‘requirements’ and ‘standards’ few men could ever hope to meet.

B) Attention junkies/professional daters - sucked in by the endless choice online dating appears to offer, keep looking for the Bigger, Better Deal. Ad nauseam. Scratch a professional dater, and you’ll likely find someone with a serious fear of commitment lurking underneath.

C) Gold Diggers - No explanation required

D) Teases who get off on rejecting men for sport

E) Foreign women/single mothers/desperate psychos.

Bottom line is that it's a bad deal for men but a good deal for women. It was so confusing as to why beautiful women (and yes match.com has some very beautiful women) would feel the need to join a dating site...but not so confusing after examining a, b, & c from above. If any guys are reading this...I would recommend spending your time and cheddar elsewhere.

losing strength in my resolve

I unsubscribed to my Match.com account a while ago, but I still get emails informing me when someone sends me a flirt.

I know. I know. I know. I've sworn off online dating for at least three months. ( I even have a friend to call and talk me down off the ledge, when I'm feeling weak, bored, curious, or desperate because I haven't had a date for 4 weeks) But I can't help but be curious who just sent me a flirt. So I check.... and look at their profile...

Rant starting in 3... 2....1....

It is so hard to resist or stay strong with my resolve to only date "good" lds guys. (goes to church, doesn't drink, obeys the law of chastity, etc) It seems like most of the "good" lds guys that ever show interest in me are for lack of better word, goobers.... (basically i'm not attracted to them or they are super awkward or shy, there's something that is "off" as my mom say. hahahah!)
But I get winks/emails (online) or guys asking me out that are not "good" lds guys but are actually cute and seem normal. It's frustrating! Hedge315... is 34 and cute and foxy and likes to cook, and loves camping, and seems really great and did I mention cute!? he has a scruffy beard is the perfect height....

When lds goobers are interested I can blame it on me. (I'm a goober. I'm not good enough for anything better. I'm too picky. etc) But when there are other guys who are actually cute, and seem normal and not like goobers that would actually want to get to know me and take me out and date me.... I can't help but feel frustrated and think "see I'm not that bad after all and maybe I could be with someone normal..."

There are two explanations that come to mind:

1) The normal and attractive lds guys are all married or have gone inactive, started drinking etc which puts them in the category that I'm talking about that is cute and normal and would actually want to date me. (I really need to come up with a name for this guy besides cute, normal guy who drinks... hahaha)

2) And the few normal attractive lds guys who actually do go to church and live the gospel have 200 girls to choose from and have thus become picky. It's no fault of their own. It is just a byproduct of the lds single culture. But I don't make the cut.

I swear I've ranted about this before.... But it takes all I have to not throw in the towel and just date someone I want to date, that's actually cute and normal. And if I hit 45 and am not married yet that's exactly what I'm going to do. 

A mother of one battles with 7 years of infertility
Injury and surgery after surgery
A husband and father works overtime to pay medical bills and for his son's mission
A wife's battle with breast cancer
A Father and husband loses his job
Wife coping with her husband's progressing mental illness
A friend facing loneliness
Divorce and infidelity
A wife hurting because her husband tells her he doesn't love her anymore

My heart aches today. It aches for everyone around me. How can there be so much pain? And I think of my own trials and how trivial and insignificant they are, but how they seem so hard. Yet all the things I normally worry about are so silly, like dating, and reorganizing Sydney's room, and what to paint for my next watercolor project, and if I should give into the temptation to buy new black church shoes or save the money. None of that even matters. I can't believe I worried about such stupid things. Lately I've been excited about my own future. But today... I feel scared.